Mata Hurry writes from New Delhi: A sensational story has surfaced recently about several army units of the Indian army moving towards India’s capital last January, supposedly having all sorts of robust intentions. The government has already vehemently denied these reports and most experts rubbished them as a work of fantasy, spread by people who wanted to distract the nation from its pressing problems, like corruption and the economy not really performing all that well.
Nevertheless, since this story surfaced, all suspicious movements across the capital are being carefully monitored and brought to the notice of the authorities by vigilant individuals. And Mata’s Mildewed Media (MMM) can now proudly report several other instances of suspicious movements across the city, which the mainstream media or MSM have entirely ignored.
Some hours ago the government issued a red alert after air conditioned commuter buses with sealed windows were spotted moving towards the Parliament building in the centre of the capital. A jittery administration, seemingly spooked by events of the past week, quickly dispatched a contingent of Black Cats to tackle the suspect buses. Members of the Black Cat team, the nation’s crack anti-terror combat forces, swiftly requisitioned the aforementioned vehicles and arrested 300 passengers. Howls of protest followed the arrests. The Home Affairs Minister, at whose behest the bus travellers were jailed, declared they were a dangerous threat to the country’s national security and that they had been arrested under BOTS or the Busting of Terrorised Subjects Act.
When he was reminded that such a law did not even exist, he brusquely declared that the law would be passed by Parliament within days and implemented with retrospective effect. Like the proposed tax legislation, BOTS would also be retroactive for the past 16 years, he resolutely added.
According to dodgy sources available only to MMM, a group of monkeys which normally dwell in the trees and woods surrounding the presidential palace and beyond could be seen roaming the corridors and offices of North Block that houses the Ministry of Home Affairs. Several monkeys that stormed the office of the Home Affairs Minister could be seen tearing up the draft copies of dossiers and files. Some sources maintain that the papers relate to the aforementioned BOTS legislation.
When a senior civil servant in the ministry was alerted to the mayhem prevailing in the corridors of power itself, he brushed aside the warnings on his phone: ‘Stop harassing me! My wife and I are quarrelling over who gets to watch television. I want to watch a programme featuring the smarty pants who writes fiction about army movements. She’s keen on IPL cricket matches. But if you insist I’ll issue an alert.’
‘Besides who’s interested in this damn BOTS bill? It’s so opaque and confusing that even I don’t understand it,’ he added before abruptly ending the call.
When the amber alert for the marauding monkeys was finally issued the following morning, the monkeys had already vanished into the woods. The minister who visited North Block later confirmed that the monkeys had indeed shredded the BOTS papers leaving behind piles of red tape.
Meanwhile, a herd of cattle were spotted at a central reservation in Raisina Hills, the elite area that houses Rashtrapati Bhavan or the President’s Palace as well as the Prime Minister’s residence. Five cows, which had drifted away from a dairy farm, had decided to rest in the middle of the road to chew the withering decorative shrubs planted by the municipal authorities.
The Ministry of Preparedness, alerted to cow movements, immediately dispatched a team of Black Commandos to tackle the bovine uprising with prods and tear gas.
However, an animal rights group called Animal Safety Society or ASS protested at the inhumane treatment of the cattle and filed a PIL or a Public Interest Litigation in a local court. The latter ruled in favour of the animal rights group so the cows remain firmly ensconced in the middle of the road. The impasse continues, while the President’s palace remains cordoned off from the rest of the city.
The heightened state of alert continues in the capital.
(This story is pure fiction. If you believe it, you should get out more.)