Anton Goryunov writes from Moscow: A lot of words have been said and written about the wonders of sensible drinking. You know, you sit round the table with your friends or family, have a glass or two of wine and behave sensibly talking about social issues that reflect your keen interest in boring subjects.
Well, guess what? It doesn’t work like that in real life. Most people drink to get pissed, OK? Sensible drinking sounds a lot like sensible sex: you get laid, but avoid the orgasm.
I’m not saying here that you should get loaded and not have any fun. That would be daft. You might as well move to drugs and get stoned in a minute or so and then remember nothing of what happened to you – if, like Charlie Sheen, that is what your idea of fun is. And I’m also not suggesting that you become aggressive after a couple of large ones, swearing at total strangers, threatening others with violence, exposing yourself and throwing up and making other people feel very uncomfortable. This is not something that proper drinkers do. Or at least that is what they do when they down a couple of bottles of something really strong and ‘polish’ it with a pint or two.
And another thing: all you sissies out there seem to be terrified by the thought of having a hangover the next day. This makes me sick – honestly. What’s the point of a good piss-up if you don’t feel its impact the next day? It’s part of the whole process. It’s what makes you a real drinker and not some sensible wine taster. So stop moaning and learn how to cope with a hangover. The best way, so that you know, is to get pissed again, and feel rejuvenated.
I remember in the good old days when I was a student we drank so much that it is still a mystery how we are all still here to tell the tale. In those days some brave people even added chicken shit to their booze, to make it stronger. They all ended up in hospital, with some dying, but those who pulled through told the tales of bravery and dedication to alcohol. And did we fight with each other when we got pissed? Yes, but never in anger.
There are a lot of lowlifes around nowadays who like to ‘unwind’ when they’re drinking and behave like total pricks. They get it into their tiny heads that loud unprovoked laughter and constant swearing are the main attributes of a good time. Bloody fertiliser! They give a bad name to all us binge drinkers, these punks. Should be banned from boozing for good. Should be banned from leaving their shitholes, if you ask me.
The big secret about drinking is that you should only stick to good quality booze. Stay away from shit – and I mean shit as in drink not as in dope. Dope I don’t like. Dope is for idiots who have a perverted idea of what fun is. But as for booze, you have to settle only for the best. (Although I’ve heard it’s the same with dope.) And if you can’t afford the best, then stay away from booze. What’s the point of poisoning yourself to make some big drinks company happy? No point at all.
Anyway, drinking should be fun, it shouldn’t be a burden. Otherwise get some other hobby, like masturbating or DIY. They are the same thing really, manual labour, and help keep your mind off booze.
– End –