Mata Hurry writes from New Delhi: President Zardari’s visit to New Delhi, on Sunday, April 8, also coincided with a sudden increase in mosquitoes in the Indian capital. Citizens have been complaining about an unexpected increase in ugly rashes and a flare-up in insect bites, as thousands queued at hospitals to have their skin afflictions treated.
When people began whining to the incompetent authorities about their insect bites, their protests were swiftly dismissed by the government. A senior minister in the cabinet -a die-hard veteran of denying the presence of widespread corruption – resolutely declared in a special interview with Mata’s Mildewed Media, or MMM, that the mosquitoes had never even existed. ‘There aren’t any mosquitoes,’ he said, scratching himself a lot. ‘I haven’t seen them. Have you seen them? I haven’t suffered any mosquito bites. There are zero mosquitoes.’
However, speaking on condition of strict anonymity, some members of the ruling Congress party blamed the role of a ‘foreign hand’, its favourite bugbear for the presence of the deadly pests and threats.
As is customary, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh maintained a stony poker-faced silence. Initially, the Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) said in a statement on his behalf that it was unaware of the presence of winged insects swarming the capital.
Later, to assuage the rising chorus of complaints, the PMO declared a no-fly zone over Delhi, in the hope that the winged pests would cease flying altogether. The PMO finally conceded and appointed a committee of eight cabinet ministers to investigate the matter. The committee was mandated to submit its report in 12 months’ time.
Rumours persisted throughout Sunday 8 April that President Zardari had himself discharged millions of mosquitoes while in Delhi. MMM’s crack investigation team has revealed that there may indeed be some basis to these rumours.
The Delhi-based renowned research facility AIIMS, or the All India Institute of Mosquito Studies, that has managed to trap some of these pesky creatures after deploying a few soda water bottles, confirmed that the mosquitoes were definitely of foreign origin. An unreliable researcher speaking exclusively to MMM added that the specimens, after being microscopically examined, bore the stamp of the ISI, the Pakistani intelligence agency.
Anonymous sources have confided to MMM that President Zardari, also known as Mr Ten Percent, has the world’s largest collection of designer mosquitoes. The mosquitoes are bred at a secret location near Islamabad, under the direct supervision of the aforementioned ISI. If a secret dossier, made available via dodgy sources, is to be believed it seems that Pakistan will henceforth adopt the ‘carrot and tick’ approach to foreign policy. This deceptive statement belies the handshakes and smiles during the convivial meeting between the Indian leader and his Pakistani counterpart.
During his meeting with the Pakistani President, the Indian Prime Minister demanded that Pakistan punish Hafiz Sayed, the mastermind of the 26/11 attacks in Mumbai in 2008. It seems that President Zardari prevaricated and in a fit of pique released a million designer mosquitoes from his suspicious looking mosquito backpack which he secretly carried with him during his brief visit to Delhi. ‘I bequeathed 1 million US dollars to a religious shrine in India, so I’ve now donated a million mosquitoes to the residents of Delhi. That’s 10% of my mosquito collection,’ whispered the President in an aside.
Explaining his carrot-and-tick approach, Mr Zardari said: ‘We will pretend to make concessions to our enemies but in truth we are declaring hostilities against all of them. We will avenge all US attacks on our territory with our indigenous ICBM or Inter Continental Ballistic Mosquitoes.
‘If the US attempts to kill the alleged mastermind of the Mumbai terror attacks of 2008 in a drone attack, we will launch our MOWs or Mosquito Operated Warheads at all defence facilities in the US. Seventy per cent of my GM insects, or genetically modified mosquitoes, will be launched at the US. These effete Americans won’t know what’s hit them,’ he thundered in a secretly taped phone interview with MMM.
Senior officials at various ministries remained shell-shocked and uncommunicative, since most had been knocked senseless by the ferocity of the mosquito bites.
An angry citizen waspishly asked: ‘I’m terribly bugged. Shouldn’t we retaliate with some ICBF or Inter City Breeding Fleas?’
Disclaimer: Don’t believe a word of the above. The story is intended merely as entertainment.