Ben Delicious reports from Paris: As the French nation greets the Socialist Party leader, Francoise Hollande, as its new President Stirring Trouble raises hard hitting questions that other news outlets would not dare to ask.
First and foremost on the minds of millions of French men and women is the key question: will the stunning Carla Bruni walk out on her Nicolas Sarkozy, now that he’s lost his job? Let’s face it, why would a hot chick with loads of money stay married to an aging former president who can no longer entertain her in a huge palace paid for by the taxpayers? Carla is still young and can easily find happiness in the arms of some multi-billionaire broker who would be taller than she, for starters, and treat her like a goddess and a trophy wife. Tough, tough call for Mr Sarko, or Mr Bruni, as he is going to be known for the time being while Carla weighs her options.
And then there’s another hard hitting question: will Mr Hollande marry his partner, Valérie Trierweiler, once he’s sworn in as President, or will he continue to live in sin with her? Ms Trierweler, who lists her habits as writing articles about nothing in particular, will have to adjust to the new role of the First Lady and decide whether she would like to become an honest woman as soon as possible, or continue to stay dishonest and make it look as if she’s enjoying it. Considering that both Francoise and Valérie are lefties, they would probably stay unmarried for quite a while.
And then there’s the thorny issue of nicknames. Will President Hollande dump his unexciting Mr Normal and The Quiet Man names and opt for something more impressive, like Hellraiser or Mr Hard To Please In Bed And Other Places? He must realise that he needs to develop a macho image, to counter claims that he’s a wimp. So the answer to the question whether Mr Hollande will get a new nickname is: yes he will.
As regards policy, some people would love to know what President Hollande will be doing differently from former President Sarkozy. And the answer is that Mr Hollande will pretty much do nothing in the face of the economic meltdown that is engulfing the Eurozone, and France along with it, just as Mr Sarkozy did, or rather didn’t. Sure, the socialist candidate had been saying all sorts of things during the election campaign and even hinting at taking drastic measures, like taxing the rich up to their eyeballs, dumping austerity and pulling out of the euro. But who pays attention to promises given in haste by politicians during election campaigns these days? Just like former President Sarkozy, Mr Hollande comes from the school of politics that says that once in power you avoid doing things. So why expect anything to happen?
Relations with Germany is another area that is making people ask all sorts of questions. It is a known fact that German Chancellor Angela Merkel fancied Sarko like mad and insisted on all those summits simply because she wanted to hug the stunning looking Frenchman and spend hours with him, debating the fate of the single currency or simply talking bollocks. But will Ms Merkel forgive Hollande for ousting the love of her life from power? Well, the answer is that she will have no choice really and accept the new kid on the block. Only if he stops threatening to dump the euro of course. That would wipe out any chance of an affair developing.
There is of course a lot of guessing going on about the height of Mr Hollande who claims to be 5”6, and even 5”7 on a good day. But every time he stood alongside Sarakozy, who sports a proud 5”5, the two men seemed to be exactly the same height. So is Hollande telling porkies about his height, people are wondering. And the answer is: yes, he is.
Other less relevant questions being asked are whether France would find a socialist President soothing or disturbing and whether Sarkozy was actually a conservative or a sissy, who got into power to pull young impressionable chicks and marry them for money. And the answers here are: wouldn’t care really, yes, a sissy and yes, married her for money.
Watch this space, as they say. More serious cutting edge analysis to come.