Ted Obvious writes from Baku: Did you watch the Eurovision song contest? You did? Were you that bored or what? Because it was really, really bad this year. I would even call it outstandingly bad. Not that there’s no room for ‘improvement’ for getting it even worse next year, but it was pretty abysmal even by Eurovision standards. Not to mention that it was hosted by Azerbaijan, a country run by a dictatorial regime, that is as far away from Europe as it gets. (Next year they say Afghanistan and Iraq will be entering Eurovision, as they have both been liberated by NATO, a military alliance that had been created to defend Europe, thus putting both proud nations smack at the heart of the continent.)

What can I say about the winner and the runners up? Well, they were all not very good really. Bad would even be closer to the truth. That bird from Sweden, Loreen, who screamed throughout her song, Euphoria, and still won by a mile, was nothing special. I’m sorry but she would not have made it into the charts on a good day, if not for getting picked for Eurovision. That sort of provides you with all the publicity without you trying hard. Or trying at all.

The singing babushkas from some s..thole in the depths of Russia were alright – if you project them to some holiday camp for old people – but including them in a supposed song competition funded by the taxpayers – everyone always forgets that this bloody competition is funded by the taxpayers – was not really a great idea. Just as it was a bad idea to send some bloke from Serbia to perform a song obviously written in the style of the days when Tito was in power. And still he managed to score respectable points. Not to mention the hosts getting away with an abysmal track and still riding high.

Which brings me to Ireland for no particular reason. Who on earth decided that these two freaks, Jedward, could perform at Eurovision for the second time in a row? Have the Irish gone completely bonkers? And even if they were taking the piss, which I doubt because Ireland prides itself on winning Eurovision and treats it very seriously, then it just didn’t work. In fact, after watching Jedward I’m starting to believe all those wild stories about the Irish f..king up their economy all by them little old selves. Pathetic, just pathetic.

And then there was Engelbert Humperdinck, who didn’t get many points but enjoyed himself immensely, as he was too old to understand what was going on around him and thought that he actually finished second from the top and not from the bottom. Hump was not that bad actually, considering his age. And his song was not bad at all. But for some reason the pricks, who rig the voting system, took offence that a has-been had entered their beloved competition. Even though most of its competitors were never-have-beens and never-would-bes.

As for the silly articles that have appeared on Sunday newspapers, saying that even though Eurovision sucks we still love it, all I can say is this: it is a total waste of time and money and even the so-called tactical voting looks idiotic. Ban this absurdity for good and use the money for something more important: like launching a campaign to get Simon Cowell and his abysmal amateurish competitions off the box. For good.

Meanwhile, some uplifting news came from South Africa where that self-styled comedian, Eddie Izzard, has failed in his attempt to run 27 consecutive marathons, in honour of the 27 years that Nelson Mandela spent in jail. Izzard had to stop after completing the fourth marathon in this gruelling self-promoting spectacular, citing ‘medical complications’. And although he promised his several dozen fans to complete the full PR exercise everyone figures that he won’t. Which is bad for world political correctness but good for everything else.

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