R.F.Wilson writes from London: As the nation absorbs the news about David and Samantha Cameron leaving their 8-year-old daughter, Nancy, behind in a gastropub in the vicinity of their official residence Chequers, the question that still bothers some people is this: how pissed do you need to be not to notice that your kid is missing?

The official rosy version of the incident is that Mr Cameron, who had arrived at the pub with a rowdy bunch of friends and their no less rowdy children, had drunk just one pint of bitter. Although no information was provided about the quantity of booze consumed by Mrs Cameron, people, who say they know things, insist that she must have had a drink or two, or she would have noticed Nancy going AWOL.

Traditionalists, who love to use any opportunity to criticise politicians with their finger on the nuclear button, insist that it must have been a classical British family piss up, with the parents and their friends going seriously over the limit, and the children left to tend for themselves. That is why, these people claim, little Nancy decided to hide in the toilet, knowing that when Daddy and Mummy have too much to drink with their mates they start shouting and talking in silly voices, impersonating other people, mostly members of the cabinet and Labour’s front bench.

Meanwhile, nightmarish scenarios, supplied by people who weren’t even there at the time, paint a picture of debauchery and excessive drinking going on in the other room of the pub where five armed members of the elite VIP SO1 protection unit were downing pint after pint, mixing beer with vodka, Scotch, gin and even washing-up liquid, ogling women and telling dirty jokes. These were top professionals, trained to respond to any crisis, so they could afford to let their hair down in the knowledge that if the situation got tense and dramatic all of a sudden, they could sober up in a matter of seconds and summon help.

Still, Mr Cameron can be proud of his daughter, who eventually came out of the toilet where she was hiding and identified herself to a member of the staff, who got all friendly with her and then tried to get in touch with a red top newspaper to sell his story. In the time before Mrs Cameron finally realised that Nancy was missing and came back to fetch her the little girl helped the landlady wash the dishes, sweep the floor and listened to her story about frigidity hitting her at the tender age of 48.

Regulars later told reporters that Mr Cameron often popped down to the pub and would sit at the table with total strangers, telling them about the treachery of the Liberal Democrats and of his huge respect for some of his cabinet ministers who, though gay, continued to live a lie with their wives.

To Mr Cameron’s credit he accepted that his children were his responsibility, promising that none of his protection officers would be facing disciplinary action. But weather-beaten coppers told Stirring Trouble that these guys were f..ked and should volunteer to go to Afghanistan to avoid prison.

–End–

1 Comment

1. Avidreader2 says:

   June 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

   Don’t worry Dave & Sam, based on the ” McCann Precedent ” you can make at least £3.5 million in donations, pay off your mortgage, write a book , meet the Pope & Oprah & have the murdoch empire support you. So Dave & Sam , go out for dinner at your local Tapas Bar, leave the kids unsupervised by an adult & no matter what harm befalls the kids you will have a ” get out of jail card ” & £200