Adam Lovejoy writes from London: As PM David Cameron announces another one of his policy initiatives – this time it’s to do with cutting housing benefits for under-25s, if the Tories win the next general election (in your dreams, Dave!) – let’s imagine how the coalition cabinet could be inventing policies for the great leader to announce with fanfare.
David Cameron (DC): Right, you lot, we need to come up with some cracking policy initiatives, to keep the hard working people of Britain happy. Fire away!
Voice: How about launching the Small Society where everyone is small and cuddly and likes to hug others?
DC: What would be the point of that?
Voice: Well, no point at all really, but I thought the Big Society didn’t have a point as well. But if we change the wording a bit, it might work for a while. And the slogan might be catchy, something like: ‘Smaller, leaner, tighter Britain where everyone knows each other and likes the idea of cuts in public spending.’
DC: Sounds dodgy to me. And besides, Steve won’t like it. Big Society is his baby. What else?
Voice: How about making cutting the budget deficit illegal?
DC: How’s that?
Voice: Well, you know, we’ve been borrowing more than Labour did in the past year. So why not say that cutting borrowing should be made illegal?
DC: Sounds daft. Have you been drinking again?
Voice: Only a couple of doubles, Dave, not more. Well, and a pint of bitter to polish them.
DC: Yes, it feels like it. Who else has any suggestions?
Voice: Let’s privatise the BBC?
Screams of anger from Liberal Democrats: ‘F..king fascists!’ ‘The Beeb is a great British institution!’ ‘This coalition sucks!’
DC: Calm down, dears,, calm down. Nobody is going to privatise the BBC. Besides, I’ve promised Tony not to touch it. And as he’s my advisor now, I wouldn’t want to upset him.
Voice: What’s he advising you on?
DC: Lots of things. Europe, immunity from prosecution, gay rights, how to start wars and get away with it. But that’s not important. the important thing is that we need to roll our sleeves up and devise some bouncy policies.
Voice: Let’s start another war somewhere. How about asking the Argentinians to attack the Falklands?
DC: We don’t have the military muscle for it. Our planes were dropping dummy bombs and firing blank missiles in Libya, that’s how bad it is. Plus, Afghanistan has drained us of troops completely. We had to scrap here and there to find men for the Diamond Jubilee and Trooping the Colour. Great idea in principle, but undeliverable.
Voice: Let’s join the euro then. That’ll keep our coalition going till 2015.
DC: That’s a bit extreme. Plus, the timing is not that great.
Screams from Liberal Democrats: ‘Fucking fascists!’ ‘United Europe is our goal!’ ‘Let’s surrender to Brussels!’
DC: people, people, get a hold of yourself. The euro is going down the toilet…
Voice: Who cares! We will all be fabulously rich if we join the euro. And that’s what really matters.
DC: It’s not a good time to do that, OK? Maybe next year or the year after, but not now.
Voice: How about a crackdown against paedophiles? Tough on crime and all that?
DC: Too dangerous. We might find ourselves in trouble with the equality people. Paedophilia, you know, is now seen as an illness rather than a vice, as Nick is telling me all the time.
Voice: How about banning heterosexual marriages?
DC: A bit extreme, don’t you think? The nation is not ready for it.
Voice: What about putting pressure on the bankers to force them to start lending again, how does that sound?
DC: Can’t be too tough with them. They are our biggest donors.
Voice: How about a grand proposal: send a man to Mars in 2025?
DC: Now you’re talking. Yes, let’s do that. At least it’s a classy idea. And we won’t really have to keep our promise.
Voice: As we always do, Dave, as we always do.