Mark Donahue writes from Cincinnati: Before taking the stage Monday at the Cincinnati Music Hall ballroom, President Obama met backstage with supporters, including TV talk show host Jerry Springer. Afterwards, Springer called the president ‘truly exceptional’ and gushed about his competence and intelligence. He questioned why anyone wouldn’t want four more years of an Obama administration and said he was a ‘die-hard supporter’ of the president.
Springer’s comments didn’t go unheeded. On Tuesday, President Obama made an unscheduled surprise appearance on the Jerry Springer Show. The president walked onstage unannounced, just as Springer was in the middle of breaking up a fist fight between two four-hundred pound albino lesbians. When the host saw President Obama, his jaw dropped and the audience became euphoric. The large lesbians embraced Obama along with the three other guests on stage – a 77 year-old woman and her 22 year-old lover/grandson and Lynn, a neo-Nazi hermaphrodite.
Springer composed himself and shook the president’s hand.
JERRY SPRINGER: This is without exception the most exciting day of my life, Mr President.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Well, it’s not every day you get to wrestle with a couple of bountiful lesbians, Jerry.
JERRY SPRINGER: (smiling) You make a valid point, sir.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I just wanted to personally thank you for your kind remarks after we met in Cincinnati, Jerry. I know your words carry a lot of weight with your fans and I wanted to stop by and ask for their vote in this year’s election.
JERRY SPRINGER: (looks at audience) Can President Obama count on you?
(The audience began stomping their feet and chanting Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: It sounds like you will be getting their vote, Jerry!
JERRY SPRINGER: (Looks at audience) Who are we voting for in November?
(The audience began chanting Obama! Obama! Obama!)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I like the sound of that!
Obama! Obama! Obama!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Jerry, you’ve made a damn good living all these years exploiting the fringe of society. You’ve taken advantage of their stupidity and callously mocked their inability to live life with any semblance of class, respectability or dignity. I’m here today to tap into some of that. I’m hoping to motivate the types of people who watch your show into supporting my re-election efforts. (Looks at audience) What do you say? Can I count on your support?
The audience resumed stomping their feet and chanting Obama! Obama! Obama!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: In my second term I plan to deal with the plight of our inbred citizens. We’ve been talking a lot about equal rights for everybody else, but we’ve been negligent in addressing the rights of the intellectually challenged. For too long those of you who’ve reproduced with your brothers and sisters, who’ve fallen in love with your dads, (Obama gestures to guests on stage) or grandchildren, have been the forgotten members of our American family. Morbidly obese, monosyllabic Americans who punch each other in the face are just as important to me as undocumented workers and sex-starved law students. And I promise that if I’m re-elected I’m going work hard to make jobs available in case some of you get tired of living like animals.
The audience stomped and chanted Obama! Obama! Obama!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’m reaching out to our citizens who have tapestries of dogs playing pool on the walls of their trailers. Who wear Crocs to weddings and funerals, who eagerly await the next episode of Hoarders and Storage Wars. I’m talking to the women who get into fist fights with each other like our large sisters here today and to the mothers and fathers who get loaded with their teenaged children and try to have sex with their friends. I’m talking to people with the carcasses of several automobiles in the front yard who regard flatulence as high- level entertainment. If you buy your teeth through the mail, use the toilet brush as a back scratcher, clean fish on the ironing board or have a religious shrine on the dashboard of the car, I want you to know that you matter!
The audience became frenzied and chanted Obama! Obama! Obama!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Join me on an exciting adventure as I work to bring you some hope and change. This week I want you to find a way to register to vote. Get somebody to give you a ride or lend you enough money to take a bus so you can get to the polling station. And then learn how to read a calendar so you can mark the date November, 6th and cast your vote for me! Thank you and God Bless America!
Obama! Obama! Obama!