R.F.Wilson writes from London: Yes, times are hard these days, with the double dip recession extending into a third quarter – why the hell do they call it double dip when it’s a triple dip? – and the prospects for the job market looking distinctly gloomy. But if you are one of the millions of people looking for a job and not finding anything, here’s a great suggestion: why not opt for an exciting career in organised crime? And no, I don’t mean politics which is all about crime as well, but has all to do with operating with taxpayers’ money.
Anyway, just think about it: there are about 6000 – yes, as many as that – gangs to choose from in Britain that dabble in all sorts of interesting activities, including fraud, robbery, drugs, illegal sales of firearms, prostitution, extortion and burglary. For those people, who are into IT and computers, the underworld offers a wide range of high-tech positions involved in identity fraud, porn, online sales of counterfeit goods and hacking into private and corporate bank accounts. There is also a lot of excitement awaiting people who like to travel to other countries, with gangs setting up links with criminal groups across the world to create networks that are involved in human trafficking, counterfeit tobacco and alcohol smuggling and running underage prostitution.
Working for the mob promises a lot of non-taxable steady income, loads of bling-bling and an eventful night life. As gangsters you get to wear designer clothes, drive flashy sports cars, hang out in the most exclusive nightclubs, carry a piece and have loads of cash on you. There are no boring nine-to-five routines and you can skip work whenever you feel like it, getting all the cool addictions like gambling and drinking and drug taking. It is also a known fact that celebrities love to hang out with hoods, as they always pick up the tab and have access to the best hookers and drugs at any time of day and night. What’s there for celebs not to like?
Crime barons, as the cops themselves accept, are beyond the law and avoid prosecution most of the time. However, in the unlikely event of getting caught, you – as a proud member of an organised crime syndicate – will have the services of the best criminal lawyers, who will get you off the hook on some technicality, and you’ll be soon doing the job you love again and earning the money you deserve. Even if you end up in jail, it would only be for a very short time and you will be looked after by your colleagues, sitting in that fancy cell of yours, with a huge flat TV, a stocked bar and asking the friendly wardens to fetch you dope and some young pussy.
While some people spend hours in front of their computers, playing PC games, pretending to be gangsters, you can actually experience the real thing and live dangerously. No longer would you be just watching films about mobsters and their yachts and penthouses and gorgeous women, but you’ll actually own all of that yourself.
So why not get to know your local hoods better and inquire about a career in the underworld? What have you got to lose apart from that unemployment benefit which you can technically continue receiving?
– End –