The James Bond Franchise Sucks. Always Has Done Actually

Ben Delicious writes from London: I am sorry to dampen the spirits of the James Bond franchise fans but I could never understand what the whole big deal was all about. Yeah, yeah, it has gone on for 50 years now and supposedly millions of people loved it to death but I still think it’s all been hyped up and is really just a waste of time, money, film roll and paper on which the badly written books are printed. (I bet you haven’t read a single James Bond book. They’re even worse than the appalling films, of which I consider the worst to be Diamonds Are Forever and Live And Let Die.)

Anyway, a new Bond film is upon us, Skyfall, and it’s Daniel Craig’s third attempt to portray a cool and suave British secret agent. The only problem is, of course, that Daniel looks more like a Polish plumber than an agent. And sucking on that cheap Scotch doesn’t make him look tough. (Incidentally, this bit comes from the books where Agent-007 likes to down a large cheap whiskey or two before going on a mission and landing himself in serious trouble, probably because he couldn’t handle his drink properly.)

Craig was a terrible choice for Bond. Just as it was crazy to cast that politically correct woman, Dame Judy Dench, to play M, Bond’s boss. These two alone manage to make the Bond films look pathetic. Not to mention that none of the Bond women look glamorous or even remotely attractive. That is a long tradition of the Bond franchise. Not a single film had a really hot looking chick in it. Not to mention that none of them could act.

And then there’s the small matter of pathetic story lines in Bond films. To say that they are weak would be an overstatement. There are no plots in most Bond films. It’s just a crudely linked narrative of action scenes in all sorts of exotic locations, meaningless dialogues and laughable bedroom scenes. This habit that Bond has of looking suggestively at every woman he bumps into who then fall for his charms in a moment’s notice is really irritating. And the jokes just simply don’t work, I’m sorry. It’s really quite hard to understand why women actually fall for Bond, who comes across as a vain idiot who seems to be  able only to waste taxpayers’ money on his expensive tastes in five-star hotels, fancy cars, designer clothes, gourmet food and rare wines. (By the way, how is it that he knows so much about expensive wines and yet, drinks cheap whiskey with such apparent enjoyment?)

The reason why the Bond franchise never worked for me and, I suspect, for quite a lot of other people is that the makers of these films have not managed to create a parody on a life of a secret agent, with lots of wit and humour in it. Yeah, sure, Ian Fleming considered himself to be a serious writer but the whole point of films based very loosely on his books should have been to create a spoof hero. That did not work, one reason being that Sean Connery, the first Bond, was no actor and couldn’t do comedy. Up to this day I still can’t understand how he got away with it and even went on to have a successful career in films.

Roger Moore, who took over from Connery, was an even bigger disaster. All Bond films with him are unbearable to watch. He managed to screw all his lines, every bloody one, and his so called jokes sounded cringeingly bad.

George Lazenby made only one film, so there’s nothing much to say about him, and Timothy Dalton was just too serious to play Bond. Pierce Brosnan with his pre-pubescent teenager’s voice was so bad that I would rather just not discuss him at all.

After the disastrous Quantum of Solace the Bond franchise should have been laid to rest. Time to invent another secret agent with a hint of wit and intelligence about him and place some hot looking chicks beside him. Unfortunately the plebs still seem to love the Bond films and flock to see them. So there’s no escaping from this horror for some time to come.

–End–

2 Comments

1. Jane says:

   October 8, 2012 at 7:58 pm

   Yeah! as you say there are many incomprehensible moments.

   For instance,in just about every James Bond film,I have seen…the sadistic villain finally has his nemesis,Agent 007,in his clutches.

   Instead of just shooting Bond,because a gunshot would be too quick and relatively painless,he sets up an elaborate mechanism so that he can enjoy watching the British spy die a slow and agonizing death.
   But then,instead of sticking around and watching the execution through to its blood-curdling conclusion,the bad guy suddenly glances at his watch and says something along the lines of ”Goodbye,Mr.Bond,I would love to stay another minute or so and watch your excruciating demise,but there’s a tuna fish sandwich waiting with my name on it.”

   Anyway this you already know.Just felt like saying something…as i enjoyed your article. Thanks!
2. Vicky says:

   October 8, 2012 at 11:13 pm

   Eat a bag of dicks. James Bond rules.