And They’re Off: Conspiracy Buffs Offer Their Reasons For That Shock Resignation Of Pope Benedict XVI

Ted Obvious  reports from the Vatican: The rumour mill has been working non-stop since Pope Benedict XVI dropped a bombshell by announcing his resignation yesterday. No wonder conspiracy buffs have been coming up with all sorts of explanations of what has really happened.

Among the wackiest theories of all is the suggestion that the Pope is actually a creature from another planet and was told to step down by his superiors, who figured that he should allow a younger, more energetic alien to take his place and run things differently, accepting that the world has changed and that the Catholic Church must modernise itself in order to survive.

Fans of conspiracies, who are staying closer to Earth, are saying that the Pope became the victim of the Italian Mafia which has been using the Vatican Bank to launder hundreds of billions of dirty cash and when he dared to object he was told to either leave or end up pushing up the daisies.

Another theory says that the liberal faction in the Vatican has been pressing the Pope to stand down for some time now, angered by his tough conservative views on homosexuality and birth control and by his demands that his Cardinals and other Catholic clergy actually read the Scriptures for change and live according to them. The last straw that broke the liberals’ backs, this version says, was the strong opposition of the Holy See to gay marriage, something that some of the Cardinals accept as a God given fact.

According to another version of events, the Pope’s private butler had stolen his letters that revealed that he was a happily married man and had fathered several children, all of whom were made Cardinals and kept under his watchful eye in the Vatican. As soon as it became apparent that this information was going to be made public, the Pontiff decided to go quietly. Well, sort of quietly, if you consider the impact it has made on everyone..

Some conspiracy buffs insist that the Pope has taken the difficult decision to resign because he couldn’t forgive himself for agreeing to meet former British PM Tony Blair, when he, Blair that is, had converted to Catholicism on leaving office. Up to now no one can explain how it could have happened that Blair managed to persuade the head of the Holy See to give him an audience, considering that everything he did as PM went against Christian teachings.

None of the theories that are circulating accept that the Pope was actually too ill to carry on his duties. Conspiracy buffs see through these things as no one else does and don’t buy such simplified versions of events. Especially as they remember how the previous Pope, John Paul II, stayed on till he could barely walk and talk, dying at his post.

The feeling among conspiracy fans is that something is amiss in the Vatican’s official version and that the secret world government probably knows what has really happened, if it didn’t actually play a role in that. No wonder that one theory in particular states that the Vatican Bank has supposedly lost a fortune on gambling on the markets, upsetting the secret world government that kept a large chunk of its funds there. As a result the Pope was forced to retire. Another theory says that the so-called Black Pope, the head of the Order of the Jesuits, fell out with the Pope and told him that the Vatican was too small for the two of them.

One conspiracy theory that has originated in the Vatican itself says that Pope Benedict has had enough of the aggressive atheism that has penetrated every corner of Europe and thought that it was time to retire and walk away from it all. Especially as he had received a call recently from that brilliant mind of our time, Richard Dawkins, who explained to him that God did not exist and that there was no point in believing in Him.

Whatever the real reason is for the Pope’s decision to resign it’s pretty clear already that more bizarre theories would be emerging soon and we will hear lots of weird versions of events that came as such a shock to everyone.

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2 Comments

1. Jack Durish says:

   February 12, 2013 at 2:05 am

   I’ll let you in on a little known secret. The Pope has accepted a better position with the Southern Baptists. Better pay and legitimate sex.
2. mahatmacoatmabag says:

   February 12, 2013 at 12:10 pm

   Jack, thats after he rejected the offer from the muslims of a package of benefits that included 72 virgins