Adam Lovejoy reports from London: Spare a thought for David Cameron, Prime Minister, gay rights campaigner, keen defender of innocent civilians across the world and an enthusiast of supporting foreign dictators with British taxpayers’ money, as he sulks in his study, at 10 Downing Street, shedding an occasional tear and getting an occasional sympathy call from one of his chums.
Yes, it was only last week that Dave was rubbing his hands in anticipation, expecting parliament to approve the use of force against Syria, rehearsing his speech to the nation before those cruise missiles were about to fly, spending hours on the phone talking with President Barack Obama, counting all those millions that would stream into his bank account after he steps down. And then everything collapsed on that fateful Thursday last month, when parliament went against Dave and his merry men in cabinet. 12 lousy votes made such a difference to his life and his bank balance. It was like a bolt from the blue. It was a so unexpected that Dave even made a pledge at the dispatch box, by accident, to respect the will of parliament. (Of course he didn’t mean it, but it still happened and that now hurts even more.)
And then came that phone call from President Barack Obama, or Hussein, as Dave calls him. And Hussein offered his condolences to his friend Dave and even said that s..t happens and that they, that is Dave and Hussein, ‘did not volunteer for their jobs’. Which was pretty silly, really, as Hussein raised about a billion dollars, to get elected the first time round, and nearly two billion to win the second time. And Dave put in a lot of effort into becoming the leader of an unelected coalition government as well, going against the constitution and arranging a fixed parliamentary term for his lot.
Anyway, Dave is now plotting his revenge against all the Tories, who either voted against him or failed to show up in parliament on that day. He’s ditching a dozen ministers and aides and advisors and is ordering to make dolls of all the Tory rebels, so that his wife Samantha’s voodoo doctor friend can stick needles into them. Here, take that, you traitors!
But some of Dave’s closest friends are standing by him. Like Education Secretary Michael Gove, who should have really been Defence Secretary, what with his total lack of any experience in education and a lot of bloodthirst in him, going round, threatening all those Labour MPs who voted against the government by promises of f..king up the education system even more and damaging their children’s prospects. And William Hague, the Foreign Secretary, who, as rumour has it, nearly offered his resignation when the motion about the war against Syria was thrown out by parliament, now pushing for another vote, talking bollocks in that deeply unpleasant voice of his, comforting the Saudis and the Qataris and promising them that British bombs will eventually fall on Syria. (And they will, don’t you have any doubts about it.)
And then there are the modernisers, the creeps from the Tory party who are no Tories obviously, screaming their heads off about the blood of the Syrian children on the hands of all those MPs who voted against the war. Nasty lot, these modernisers. Should have been kept away from politics. Or, if persistent, should have been members of the Socialist Workers Party.
But Dave’s grief runs deeper that just losing a chance to whack some people and feel proud about it. Because the conference season is upon us and, like any chancer, he is terrified that his people might be tempted to get rid of him. Like Labour did away with Blair, his idol, who actually encouraged him to push for war in Syria. That is the biggest fear of them all for Dave: the prospect of losing all that power and the perks and the ability to get the best pension plan possible.
Yep, this thought terrifies Dave most of all. And we should all mention him in our prayers. For even though he is an atheist, he is still a human being. Well, sort of.