Adam Lovejoy reports from outside Kensington Palace: The news is that Prince William, the future Defender of the Faith, and his wife, the Duchess of Cambridge, aka Katie Middleton, have not been to church, like, for ages. They were way too busy, you see, the Cambridges, with all the stuff going on in their lives. Katie’s pregnancy, its successful completion, little Prince George coming into this world greeted by Grandma Carole, William’s helicopter flying and changing nappies and trying to live a normal life, as you do when you’re a loaded royal. And doing other things that couples in love do, like making prank phone calls and sending other royals greeting cards with witty texts in them. Like: ‘You old fart, you’re gonna die soon.’ Or: ‘Bet you’re loaded and stoned now.’
But seriously, why should a modern ‘normal’ royal couple be expected to attend church? It just wouldn’t play along with the masses who want their future king and queen to be progressive, innit. You know, behave like two ordinaries and show two fingers to the royal protocol and all the other royals as well at every given opportunity.
That’s the sort of lifestyle that most of the Cambridges’ future subjects like and understand, so why shouldn’t they, Wills and Kate, be in tune with their people? The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh can go to church as much as they want, every bloody Sunday in fact, but they are old and they don’t really have much to do, do they? And Prince Charles and Camilla can pop down for a prayer once in a while, to be ready to take over in case Grandma, you know, kicks the bucket. But why should the second in line to the throne and his missus get all religious? It just ain’t cool, is it, not modern?
The way things are going with the modernisation of the British monarchy, soon Prince William and Kate might just as well walk away from religion and become agnostics. And why not? Prince William can be Defender of the Faith but have his own take on things. Just like those women priests who join the Anglican Church and feel comfortable in it, even though the dogma says that chicks can’t be priests, especially bishops. But does the new Archbishop Justin Welby object to that? Nope, he does not. He was actually very distressed when the Synod said ‘no’ to women bishops. But he says he hopes that things will change. So not long to wait till women bishops start strutting their stuff at the altar.
And, if you think about it, what’s there for William and Kate to pray for? They’ve got their life sorted; they are loaded and will become even richer; they are loved, not just nationally but universally; and they have a son, Prince George, growing up as an ordinary kid, under the watchful eye of Grandma Carole, who is as ordinary as they come.
What else do the Cambridges need, apart from maybe a potion that will help Wills get some of his hair back. Pretty much nothing else.
No point in Wills and Kate attending church, no point at all. So much to do, so many shows on the box to watch, so many silent moments to spend together, it just doesn’t make sense. A modern monarchy should be above such trifles as religion. It’s what the people want. It’s what Stephen Fry wants. And he is very important these days.