Ben Delicious reports from London: This is so funny that is has to qualify for the bad porn award of 2013. Although just imagining the graphic details can send shudders down your spine and pretty much everything else.
Are you ready for this? OK, then I’ll proceed.
It has been revealed that Britain’s most adored footballer and an enthusiast of underwear advertising campaigns, David Beckham, has the hots for Cherie Blair, the wife of Tony Blair, the former Prime Minister, the one who dragged Britain into a war in Iraq on false pretences.
Is that gross or what? It’s like something from a badly made porn movie about a young tattooed idiot, well sort of youngish tattooed idiot, falling in love with a mature woman well past her prime. And the twist in the tale of this porn story is that both parties are supposedly happily married, with children, and have never crossed paths.
A foursome anyone? No, it’s too horrible to imagine. It would be porn but not as we know it. Or able to stomach.
Nevertheless, Stirring Trouble tried to get through to Cherie and Tony to ask for their comments. A woman’s voice on the other end, which sounded like Cherie but could have actually been Tony himself doing his impression of his wife, said that Cherie was very pleased to hear that David wanted to have a shag with her. But, the voice said, she was not the sort of girl who strays from her Tony, who in turn is not the sort of girl to commit adultery. (Tony’s nickname in college was Miranda, in case you’re wondering.)
And then there was some whispering on the other end and weird laughter and the line went dead.
Stirring Trouble also tried to reach Victoria Beckham, who must be overjoyed by hearing that her hubby has such great taste in women and dreams of having intercourse with Cherie Blair. But unfortunately Victoria was not available for comment and her publicist, or at least a woman who said she was her publicist, said: ‘Yeah, I’d have eaten David alive if he came to me. And I suppose Vicky would have eaten him alive as well, if she still fancied him that is.’
Stirring Trouble then asked a famous sex therapist, Richard Littlejohn, no relation, to comment on the strange attraction that Mr Beckham has for Mrs Blair. Dr Littlejohn, who carries a set of two rubber dolls with him, with male and female genetalia, to demonstrate to couples some of the fancier positions during intercourse, told Stirring Trouble that it was quite common for younger men to desire to have sex with older women. ‘Happens a lot,’ he said, making those rubber dolls of his do things that are punishable by law in most civilised countries. ‘But in this case, it won’t work as Mrs Blair looks like a woman who needs someone with a bigger, you know, personality to satisfy her.’
To explain to our readers, Victoria Beckham once confessed in an interview that her husband liked to wear her thongs and, considering that she’s is a slim woman, it implied that David has a very modest personality.
So there you have it. Things happen in celeb world that all us mortals can only read about in tabloids.