Thomas Mathew reports from Glasgow: Who says there’s no such thing as a free lunch! Every kid in infant school in Britain will soon get one free, no strings attached, if you believe Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrat leader and, even more importantly, Deputy Prime Minister. The problem with Nick is, of course, that he likes to make promises and then break them, the weasel. Like it happened with tuition fees and other stuff. But this time he says it will happen.
So I say: rejoice all you parents on benefit! You can now have an extra couple of pints at your local or an added joint or two, if your dealer is feeling generous.
But there are more good things in line for the kiddies. Stirring Trouble has learned that the coalition government is discussing plans to issuing every kid with a credit card, with £1600 on it, with the first £100 on the house, to spend as they wish. Lots of happy faces guaranteed, with those PlayStations and computer games and fancy trainers flying off the shelves. Good for the economy, while parents will get a chance to repay the outstanding balance of £1500 in 100 easy repayments, at a very competitive interest rate of 55 per cent. What’s not to like?
And that’s not all, because as they say at 10 Downing Street, the best things in life are free, like the perks of office, and kids should be the first to benefit from getting all the freebies they can get. Like free lessons in gambling for all children between 5 and 7 that would be introduced soon in every school? They need to know that there are plenty of opportunities out there to make some serious money on a flutter, without the hassle of a 9 to 5 job. And if they play their cards right, if you pardon the pun, they might make so much money that they can retire at 18 and devote their lives to having a seriously good time.
And then there’s the brilliant idea to lower the age of consent to 9, not at once, but gradually. There was already talk about it among the policy advisers at Number 10, but at the time the same sex marriage bill was still encountering opposition, so they decided to sleep on it for a while and come back with a vengeance later. Because no one want kids to be deprived of the joys of early sex. Especially as they would by then have their free lunch, a credit card and know a thing or two about gambling.
But what is sex without booze? Yep, plans are in the pipeline to lowers the age of drinking to 10 and give kids free booze vouchers, to get used to drinking. And why not? If you can have a shag at 9 why be denied a chance to lubricate it with some alcohol. Ugly looking kids should welcome the chance to appear nicer looking to their drunken mates.
So what you do is kill two birds with one stone, but in a good way. You turn kids into sex crazed consumers at the earliest age possible and give a boost to the economy, while continuing the good work of propping up the ever so vital banks that would need more money once they start to go down again, victims of having too much trust in human nature.