R.F. Wilson writes from London: Ladies, there are 12 basic things to watch out for in men, that make them unsuitable for friendship and ‘possibly more’, as they say in those personal ads. Here they are.
Rule N1: If a man is in love with himself, stay away from him. When I say ‘in love with himself’, I mean that he thinks of himself as handsome, suave and funny, and grooms himself as if he were a prized racehorse: hair neatly cut, face smothered in moisturising creams, nails polished. Men like that never miss a mirror or a shop window to check themselves out in. They suck – in more ways than one. You will be wasting your time on these people.
Rule N2: If a man is stubbornly insisting on a shag in the first 15 minutes of the first date, he’s either married or is in a relationship and has no time to waste. Such men usually avoid looking you in the eyes and are shifty and slippery. Ask him for his landline number as a test. If he’s single and suggesting intercourse why would he be worried?
Rule N3: NEVER go out with men whom you have met on the Internet. They usually lie about themselves, tend to carry exotic STDs and might be bonkers. Or bankers, which is even worse.
Rule N4: Stay away from men who agree with you on everything. This is a sure sign that they’re so desperate for a shag they might turn nasty. Stay away from these agreeables who have only one thing on their mind.
Rule N5: Beware of men who drink too much. They can get aggressive and violent – all of a sudden, sometimes. A real man holds his drink well and even if he downs a bottle of strong stuff he can still be great company. Although there are very few of these guys left, to be honest.
Rule N6: Never date men who don’t have a sense of humour. You’ll die of boredom.
Rule N7: Don’t go out with men who boast about how great they are in bed. They are usually impotent.
Rule N8: Avoid men who have sudden red flushes. It means they’ve taken Viagra and are waiting for it to start working. And quite often it doesn’t. And it all turns out to be pretty embarrassing and things like ‘It never happened to me before’ are said and promises are made that next time things will ‘work out’. They never do, of course.
Rule N9: Avoid brokers and traders. They’re ALL bastards.
Rule N10: Keep in mind that 50 per cent of men are pigs. As in disgusting people.
Rule N11: Avoid football supporters and keen sports fans generally. They are mostly dim, rude and drink too much. Not to mention that you will be forced to listen to utter bollocks all evening and might even be forced to go to a match and pretend to like it.
Rule N12: Stay away from fitness fanatics. And I don’t mean men who work out regularly but those who live in the gym. Apart from being boring, they usually have very small manhoods that tend not to work most of the time.
– End –