Dan Majestic reports from Hollywood: As big budget superhero blockbusters are no longer pulling in the audiences they used to, with all the graphics and special effects resembling computer games that people can watch at home, over and over again, the question I have is this: how come all superheroes are so alike?
You know, not very bright and mostly odd looking, they usually obtain their superpowers as a result of some stupid occurrence, such as getting bitten by an insect or hit by lightning, and from that moment onwards it becomes one long cliché: we get to see them slowly realising that they possess unique abilities, even though it’s abundantly clear that they’ve become total freaks, and then they come up with some idiotic-sounding name for themselves, to reflect their newly acquired powers. Strange-looking outfits follow, making our superheroes look like total nutters.
Now tell me this: why is it that no superheroes choose to remain ordinary-looking, so as not to attract too much attention and carry out their heroic deeds without half of the bloody population of the metropolis, or even the whole planet, becoming aware of their every move? Why do they start talking in silly voices and tend to sit on top of tall buildings, looking at the city below, pretending to be lost in thought? And why are they always struggling to accept their superpowers: if you can fly, for example, why torture yourself and not just fly around and enjoy it while it lasts?
Strange, this established set of clichés that seems to haunt all superheroes. There’s no attempt on their part to do or say anything original and blend into the scenery to keep a low profile. Why does it always have to be very noisy, very flashy, very obvious and very high profile?
And the weirdest thing of all is that all superheroes, for some reason, tend to concentrate on small things, at the start of their careers at least. They either go after thieves who snatch handbags from old women on the street, or make a big deal out of saving a puppy from the path of a passing car, or perform some other heroic deed that would have been better left to members of the general public. Who the hell needs superpowers if you don’t use them to do something really special?
And then there is the love interest. Why is it that superheroes always fall for the most average-looking and annoying broads imaginable? Are they blind or what? And why would a superhero need to get mixed up with a broad at all? If they are called Captain Orgasmo or Erection Man, then fair enough, as they will need to have their Bill Clinton moment as often as possible – to ease the pressure building up south of their belly buttons. But as for the rest, like Bee Man or Bumble Bee Man or Marble Man or Social Intercourse Man – why do they need to get into bed with anyone? Especially as they know perfectly well that the bad guys will snatch their babes, forcing them to do silly things.
But superhero costumes have to be the utmost in stupidity. Honestly, tights and Y-fronts worn on top look very odd. Not to mentions that most of these suits freak people out, as they often can’t figure out who the hell it is and what he’s up to. Just think about it: you’re walking down the street and then, bang, a strange-looking dude appears out of nowhere dressed as a total nutter. How would you react if you didn’t know the background to the whole thing?
The very concept of superheroes has lost its sparkle over the years. They look stupid, to be perfectly frank about it. Not to mention that they always seem to encounter bad guys who usually have agendas that don’t really make much sense, if you consider that they always want to blow the whole world to smithereens, whilst existing in that very same world. And demands for huge pay-outs also look bizarre, considering that money won’t really be all that handy if the world is blown to bits.
It’s time for superheroes either to pack it in or come up with some really crazy stunts, like battling clichés, for example. Imagine, no silly names, no weird outfits, no screaming broads. Just men with superpowers, looking like ordinary people, but performing extraordinary things. Now that would be unusual.
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