Ben Delicious writes from Amsterdam: Sex is greatly overrated, with all the squishy-squashy sounds, the sweating, the false moans and groans, the lack of anything to say afterwards and the horrible wait for the possible itching to develop… That’s what the Buddhist monks say and they should know.
But seriously, what’s this obsession with talking about sex? Seemingly normal people would suddenly get that strange glare in their eyes when sex comes up in the conversation, in all its inglorious detail.
Have you ever heard men discussing intercourse? It’s embarrassing to listen to these ‘studs’, sharing their vast ‘experience’, producing the most astonishing drivel about their remarkable stamina and the countless women they’ve bedded. Tales of extreme debauchery are told with a patronising ‘been there done it’ look to a group of wide eyed idiots, who hold on to every word they hear, even though it all sounds like coming from a badly made porn film. Numbers of partners can go up in such conversations to three and four digit figures and references to ‘five-times-a-night and more’ performances are mentioned casually – like it happened in that Tony Blair interview some years ago – with ages of losing virginity often slipping to 12 and lower. Even though the studs involved all seem to posses suspiciously well developed right arms and have that desperate ‘I’ve not had a shag in years’ look in their eyes.
Yes, it’s a macho world of male sex talk that has nothing to do with reality and yet, never seems to bore all involved.
And how about sex chat phone lines that seem to be so popular among the male population? What is the possible attraction of talking to some bored housewife on the other end, knitting or doing the dishes while ‘talking dirty’ to a guy, who gets all excited about nothing really, ending up doing what sometimes makes some people go blind, if you believe the ancient wisdom. What’s the deal here, apart from the money that the respective telephone companies involved are making and the few quid for the housewife?
But let’s not kid ourselves that liberated women don’t talk about sex between themselves, although, of course, they tend to be more realistic on the quality of their performances and the numbers of their conquests. And the times-a-night tally is not that high, unlike in men’s sex talk, although in recent years some members of the sisterhood have been known to break world records in the number of penetrations by different males during a fun filled marathon – I think the latest record stands at 999 or something. Yes, some girls nowadays like to be doing a man’s thing and talk about ‘relationships’, in a graphic sort of way. It’s what feminists always strived for.
And how about pensioners sharing sex tips with each other? Yep, if you believe what famous wrinklies like Dame Helen Mirren, old people obsess about sex these days as much as teenagers. All thanks to Viagra and other stimulants no doubt that have opened new possibilities for folks, who would otherwise be spending their time in their gardens cutting the flowers or taking quiet walks with their Zimmer frames. But now a lot of them talk excitedly between themselves about orgies in nursing homes and ways of distinguishing fake orgasms from the real ones.
It’s really weird, this whole obsession with sex talk. And the most amazing thing about it is that many people actually treat it as a helpful guide to an ‘enriching sex life’. And that ends up in a lot of insecurities developing in people who think that they are just not up to the existing standards. How stupid is that?
– End –