Ben Delicious reports from London: Lots of exciting news comes from the world of professional football, proving to anyone who’d had any doubts that footie governing bodies and sports commentators have their priorities lined up correctly.
The really big news comes following the allegation made by Yaya Toure of Manchester City that he had heard racist chants at the Himki Stadium in Moscow during the clash between his club and CSKA in the group stage of the European Championship. Fifa has sprung into action and imposed a ban on the Moscow club that would see half of its stadium empty during the forthcoming match with Bayern Munich. Fifa accepted that Toure’s allegations were not easy to prove and that was why it followed the existing rules to the letter, ordering to close only part of the Himki Stadium and not all of it, even though some people at Fifa, football commentators and fans were demanding that CSKA is punished more severely and is banned from the competition altogether this season and, ideally, forced to have at least five or six black players introduced into the team.
At the last piss-up, organised by the English FA to celebrate its 150th anniversary in london, Fifa’s boss Sepp Blatter called for tougher sanctions against any manifestations of racism in the beautiful game, including deducting of points and banning clubs from competitions, even though not long ago he was suggesting that a handshake on the pitch would be enough to sort out any misunderstandings concerning race or gender. But battling racism has now become the full-time occupation for Fifa and national federations, as corruption is kicking in across the board and it makes sense to cover their arses with political correctness.
At the same gathering in London Prince William, who for some reason acts an honorary chairman of the English FA and even claims that he supports Aston Villa of all clubs, has also spoken about the great work that the FA does in tackling racism. Which basically amounted to self-praise and cheap posturing, as William as a member of an extended family that is hideously white and has never even considered marrying a black chick, choosing instead a hideously while woman to live with in wedlock and make babies.
In another important development that has a lot to do with racism in football six fans of Charlton Athletic have been sent to prison for racist chanting on a train on their way from an away game last year, supposedly ‘gloryfying’ one of the killers of black teenager Stephen Lawrence, having consumed lots of booze before, during and after the game. The judge decided that they posed serious threat to the public and the beautiful game itself, and banned them from the stadium for 8 years. Charlton Athletic have announced that they are thinking of increasing the punishment for the six racists, with one option including losing all the matches this season, to make them suffer even more.
Word has it that some of the major clubs in the Premiership are considering paying their black players more than the others, to show that they would promote positive discrimination robustly and with a sense of conviction. One club is even considering of having only black players in its team, to avoid any possibility of being accused of racism. Another idea is having all black supporters at stadiums, to avoid any possible racial incidents that tarnish professional football.
The Premiership will be holding a White Is Hideous Day and it is expected to apologise for slavery and racism on a regular basis from now on.
The FA has rejected claims that its obsession with racism in football is used to cover up the incompetents and corruption in its midst. ‘Whatever gave you that idea?’ a man claiming to be a spokesman for the FA told journalists recently when asked about it.
And, finally, it has been announced that David Beckham will launch a new soccer team in America based in Miami and is looking for a place to build a stadium. If there’s one quick way of getting in bed with the mob in Florida that would be it.