Adam Lovejoy reports from Central London: Hey, guys and girls, how about basking in some toilet luxury for a change, what with the prices in fancy eateries having gone through the roof and that recession, dubbed ‘boisterous recovery’ by the politicians and dodgy looking experts with fancy comb-overs, hitting your pockets hard? Not to mention that going out generally has become way too costly for millions.
Here’s the deal: you get your girlfriend or wife to put on some decent clothes while you make an effort to look smart for a change – you know, wear a suit and tie and proper shoes instead of trainers – and off you both venture on an exciting tour of fancy hotels where the toilets are called cloakrooms and are always clean and bright and have a feel of excess about them. You know, everything is sparkling clean, toilet paper is in abundance, liquid soap is gentle on your hands and face, and the paper towels don’t tear easily while the cotton ones are soft to the touch. And no sign of pubic hairs on the urinals and in the basins.
So you walk with your chick into some fancy hotel, looking cool and relaxed, making it appear that you’ve come to meet friends for a drink or a meal, but sort of indicating that you need to use the gents or the ladies first. And the excitement starts to build up, as, though you have no money to afford a drink or a meal, you can still allow yourself the luxury of visiting the shitter. Sorry, the cloakroom.
You slip into the Gents while your better half gets down to it in the Ladies. Mind you, so that you don’t miss out on the finer points of toilet luxury you should have a few cups of tea, coffee or tap water in advance. Or, if you are the adventurous type, why not pop a laxative a couple of hours before and go ‘all the way’, as they say in toilet speak, spending some quality time on the bog, feeling that you’re part of the jet set who use the best toilets available. And your girlfriend or wife or casual acquaintance will get a feel for the high life as well, mixing with chicks in Chanel or Prada and wearing some serious bling. It’s during such moments that women feel especially loved by their husbands and partners who made an effort to take them out and make them feel special.
But why limit yourself to one place only? A few cups of tea or coffee later you could both go to another five-star hotel and visit the cloakrooms there. More luxury surroundings and new faces to meet, thinking to yourself: thank God ordinary people don’t come here, to this place of luxury, forgetting or not bothering to flush and leaving nasty whiffs behind them. For cheap food is transformed into smelly s..t and that is just not suitable for luxury cloakrooms.
As your evening progresses and you have more tea or tap water you can go to another swanky place with a cloakroom to die for. Don’t rush when you get there, though. Stand in front of the mirror, lost in thought, scratching your head but not your crotch or your arse. That will make you look refined and in no rush. Only simple people treat the shitter as a place you pop into for a few seconds and then run off – in search of food or work.
Anyway, luxury toilets should be used as places to socialise and generally have a good time. Not to mention that you can always have a good long wank in a nice clean cubicle, with no one trying to tear the door off as it happens in cheap public imitations in McDonald’s or someplace else. And your missus or current squeeze can have a bit of fun in their section as well, photographing their images in the vast mirrors with their mobile phone cameras, to show off to their friends afterwards, or using those mini dildos that bring so many moments of fun to adventurous types.
During an evening you can visit four or five toilets in expensive hotels easily, getting to know first-hand what it means to be rich and successful. Then both of you can tell your friends how you’ve been to this five-star hotel and that, without obviously mentioning you spent all the time in the cloakrooms there. And your friends will think you are two cool cats who know how to party.
Life can be entertaining and rewarding, even when you can’t really afford it.