Dan Majestic writes from New York: Yes, superheroes, those weird-looking creatures in silly-looking costumes, with small penises that don’t even show through their tights. What is the point of them, exactly?
I know, I know, they were created primarily for kids and for the simpletons who like to dip their tiny IQs into stories of the supernatural and collect all sorts of stupid memorabilia, including comics, toy figures, posters and promo stuff from the superhero movies. I mean, how stupid do you need to be to obsess about a guy who was bitten by a spider and acquired the ability to weave webs and swing between buildings, wearing an odd-looking costume and calling himself Spiderman. He actually spent most of his time drooling over an unremarkable chick who lived in his neighbourhood and looked like a waitress from a cheap eatery, and battled freaks keen on destroying the world – even though they lived in it themselves.
And then there’s Batman, the weird-looking guy dressed in a bizarre costume and wearing a mask that supposedly makes him look like a bat, talking in silly voices and pulling chicks by driving around in a fancy car. In Batman’s case the idiotic narrative got all sophisticated and philosophical with time, with our superhero supposedly questioning the world around him and always wanting to retire from his superhero activities, to live in peace in his mansion. And pull chicks by driving in fancy cars but without the mask and the silly costume.
And the list of idiotic irrelevant superheroes is endless, with Superman towering over them as the ultimate example of stupidity and total uselessness, especially as he does not even bother to hide his mug behind a mask, and yet no one recognises him as the humble reporter of an imaginary newspaper who just happens to be at every scene where Superman shows up. And the likes of the X-Men, the Fantastic Four and dozens of others are probably not that far behind, most of them resembling the Chinese Communist Party, which likes to create problems all by itself and then attempt to solve them, at great cost to everyone around.
The concept of superheroes is perverse, to be perfectly frank. Sure, it makes money for some people from all those blockbuster movies and the merchandise. But why is it that all superheroes, every single one of them, have no real purpose. Apart from tormenting themselves and sitting a lot on top of high-rise buildings, supposedly lost in thought? Or saving screaming chicks and kids, who like to cross the road in front of speeding traffic or play innocently in the middle of a highway or on the rail tracks? How can it happen that people, who acquire amazing superpowers through some silly occurrence, usually fail to find something worthwhile to occupy themselves with? Or are they so thick that their superpowers don’t spread to their brains?
Anyway, it’s time to start having some proper superheroes for a change? How about Politically Incorrect Man, or Woman, for example? He or she would say it like it is and save the world from the scourge of political correctness. Affirmative action? No way, PI Man, or Woman, would say. It’s discrimination anyway so why should it be considered a good thing? Racism? It’s become a great excuse for loads of mediocrities to claim that their supposed talents are not appreciated. Feminism? That’s about hating, not liking, women. Gay marriage? Not a good idea to piss off three major religions in one go.
Now that would be a real superhero because it takes guts these days to go against the liberal trash and its sick and twisted politically correct morality. And if PI Man, or Woman, appeared on the scene it might actually make a real difference.
And there can be other superheroes who complement PI Man, or Woman: like Bank Hating Man, or Woman, who would force the banks to stop ripping off millions; Alternative Medicine Man, or Woman, who would battle the pharmaceutical giants that kill more people than all the military in the world. The list of proper superheroes is endless really.
Time for a revamp of the superhero stable.