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The Cold War Is Back. But It Not As We Knew It

Martin McCauley writes: The Cold War is back, but not as we knew it. It’s now called Cyberwars. News that the Chinese have been extremely sophisticated in hacking into British, American and NATO computers has led to the Cabinet Office in London setting up the Office for Cyber Security. Imagine a meeting in Beijing of the Chinese Office for Internet Hacking. Director: Comrades, we’ve been rumbled. We underestimated the intelligence of our Western opponents. They’ve worked out where the hacking is coming from and what we are after. We’ll have to adopt a new, much cleverer strategy. Ideas, please. Voice: I studied in America at the best IT universities. What we have to do is to send our best brains to these universities. They will then learn how the Americans think and will be able to... 

President Ahmadinejad Reveals Iran’s Official Policy

Martin McCauley writes: Things are tough in the make belief Persian Empire of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The economy is in difficulty, the Israelis are threatening an air strike and the Americans are preparing more sanctions. Imagine a meeting of the President and his advisers. President Ahmadinejad (PA): Brothers, we’re in the most critical situation since our glorious Revolution of 1979. Our Islamic Republic is under threat from Satan. Voice: Err, Mr President, whom do you mean? PA: I mean America, of course. President Obama is in a panic and wants to start another war to divert attention from the parlous state of the economy. His troops are retreating from Iraq and they are having a tough time in Afghanistan. So he needs a new war. But there’s no way they can beat us. Voice: But... 

President Zuma: The Man With The Plan

Zuma Martin McCauley writes: Jacob Zuma, President of South Africa, has been in London this week on a state visit. He might still be in London, for all we know, chatting up women. He’s come under fire in his country for having too many wives, mistresses and children. South Africans are getting restless about his sexual antics. Imagine a meeting between the President Zuma and his advisors to tackle the crisis. PZ: Comrades, I’m taking a lot of flak from my enemies, who are obviously determined to overthrow me and bring anarchy to our great land. How should we respond? Voice: Comrade President, the attacks are almost entirely launched by females. The arson in the towns is started by feminists, but all they are doing is trying to attract your attention. PZ: Are you telling me that women object... 

Climate Change Myth Is Causing Panic. Even Among Climate Change Biggest Fans

Martin McCauley writes: The global warming myth is going through a tough time. One by one, climatologists, who’ve been making a comfortable living up to now, are revealed as a bit of con-artists. Devastating evidence is produced on a daily basis, forcing the environmentalists on the defensive. Imagine an emergency meeting of the global warming lobby. Sir Albert Gore Blimey, chairing: Guys, things are getting out of control. We’ve been hammered like school kids. We’ve got to do something fast. Voice: The situation is really bad. Our guy in charge of the Climatic Change Institute at the University of East Anglia even tried to commit suicide, when his tricks with figures were revealed. So what if he invented a few facts – what’s the big deal? SAGB: It was a disgrace, the way... 

Kim Jong Il Finds A Solution To North Korea’s Problems

Martin McCauley writes: North Korea is in trouble – although you might not know about it. Unlike Greece, with its economic problems splattered over half of the newspapers of the world, North Koreans suffer quietly. The half dead Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, actually believes that his personality cult knows no bounds and that his people are having a great time. But even this stupid fool sometimes realises that the economy might not be in such a good shape after all. Imagine, if you will, a meeting between Kim and his people. Kim: Comrades, I have a feeling we’re encountering certain problems with our great economy. It’s just a gut feeling, mind you, but I’m sensing a bit of an economic crisis. If the Americans find out about it, we will look like fools. How do we solve this problem? Whisper... 

Imagine Turkey Reviving The Ottoman Empire

Martin McCauley writes: The news that former chiefs of the Navy and Air Force and many other military figures have been arrested in Turkey has sent shock waves through the country. Are the military preparing a coup against the civilian government of Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan? Imagine a meeting of the PM, his Cabinet and advisers to decide how to proceed. PM: ‘As you know, I gave orders to arrest many top military men and others because our intelligence services told me that something fishy was going on. How do we present this news to the Turkish people and the world?’ Voice: ‘We don’t want to give the impression that we and not the military are staging a coup. We want to give the impression that these military plotters are right wing extremists who do not believe in democracy.... 

Niger Invents A New Political System: Capcom

Martin McCauley writes: The military coup in Niger, a poor African state that is rich in uranium, sets a precedent. The men with guns can now take over any weak nation that has raw materials in plenty. Imagine a meeting of the military junta and advisers after the coup. General: ‘Messieurs, we’ve pulled it off. Congrats. We’re now running the joint. How do we stay afloat long enough to get filthy rich?’ Voice: ‘Monsieur le général, how should we address you? Monsieur le Dieu [God]; Monsieur le roi soleil [Sun King]..’ General: ‘I’d prefer le roi soleil. Call me Solly.’ Voice: ‘Solly, I suggest we tell our people that we had to overthrow the government because it was so corrupt and was robbing our people blind. They all had the same middle name:... 

Baroness Ashton Struts Her Stuff

Martin McCauley writes: That stunning bird, Baroness Ashton of Upholland (no, that’s not in the Netherlands but in Lancashire), is called the High Representative of the European Union. That impressive title merely means she is the EU’s foreign minister. As someone, who doesn’t speak any foreign languages and has never studied diplomacy or history, she is embarking on a voyage of discovery. Imagine a meeting she has with her top advisor in Brussels as she prepares for another week of hard graft. Baroness Ashton: ‘Right, let’s decide how we’ll influence the world this week. I haven’t had any time to read the newspapers so I need a little update. By the way, please don’t quote from Le Monde or Die Welt in their native tongue to patronise me. Say it in... 

The Car In Front Is A… Mao?

Martin McCauley writes: Who could have though only a couple of months ago that the famous advertising slogan, ‘The car in front is a Toyota’, would become a joke all of a sudden. With millions of Toyota models recalled across the world times are hard for the former biggest car manufacturer. Imagine a scene in Tokyo where the Toyota executives are meeting to save their brand and their jobs. Chief Executive: ‘People, we now face the greatest crisis since our wonderful cars were launched. How are we to recover our markets and save our company? Voice: ‘I propose we recall all our cars and undertake whatever repairs are necessary. That way, people will trust us again.’ Chief Exec: ‘Tell me something I don’t know.’ Hysterical voice: ‘We are doomed! No one will trust... 

Dreaming Of World Domination. Chinese Style

Martin McCauley writes: Is the Communist Party of China (CPC) bent on world domination? Of course it is. The Chinese communist leaders eat and sleep world domination. Can’t think of anything else.During the lavish celebrations of the 60th anniversary of the founding of the People’s Republic of China on October 1 last year the Chinese military put on a show of strength. They sent a signal to the world that China was fast becoming a military superpower. ‘World domination’ was written all over that military parade in Beijing. Imagine a meeting of the President Hu Jintao with Chinese military top brass. The President: ‘Comrades, let’s not pussyfoot about it: we want to rule the world. We’ve been increasing your budget annually and gave you everything you asked... 

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• Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team
• Samantha Cameron Talks Candidly About Her Hubby. And Sort Of Blows The Lid On Him.
• LibDems Pick A Porn Chick As Their Candidate. We Look At Other Options
• Israeli-Palestinian Peace Process? Now What Process Would That Be?
• The Cold War Is Back. But It Not As We Knew It
• More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team.
• Is There Any Point In Dieting? Nope, None At All
• Winning Hearts And Minds In Afghanistan. Even When They’re Detached From The Bodies
• President Ahmadinejad Reveals Iran’s Official Policy
• A Cynical Look At Life In Britain. And The Stiff Upper Lip
• As The British Press Sells Its Soul To The Devil, We Go Behind The Scenes Of One Newspaper
• From Now On The Met Office Will Express Doubt About Its Own Forecasts
• Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team
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• More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team
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• Who Cares About Elvis Or Who Killed John Kennedy? Aliens Are Running Things Here
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• Band Aid: Sir Bob And Friends Do Some Soul Searching
• More Breaking News. From The StirringTrouble Team
• President Zuma: The Man With The Plan
• The New Rich Have No Style, No Class, No Taste. No Anything
• Pearls Of Wisdom: From The Sirring Trouble Team
• About One Pine Tree. And Global Warming Written All Over It
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• BBC Cuts Costs: It’s Taking The Piss, But Not As We Know It
• A Case Of One Madman Blowing All The Money
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