Take the US, for starters. They brought the Israelis and Palestinians together in Washington, to supposedly hammer out a peace deal. Now what peace deal would that be? The two sides hate each other, OK? The Israelis will never give up East Jerusalem, no way. And they’ll keep on building settlements on occupied territories, don’t you worry about that. Meanwhile, the Palestinians will continue to insist that East Jerusalem is theirs and that they’ll never accept any new or even old Israeli settlements on their land. How on earth are you going to bring this lot together? Especially as the leaders on both sides like it the way it is: conflict makes them look good. It was a crazy idea to start the new peace talks in the first place.

And then there’s Iraq: so they’ve announced last week in Washington that they’ve won the war in Iraq and pulled out their ‘combat troops’. And left 50,000 ‘non-combat’ soldiers behind, to smooth the rough edges, supposedly. And the Iraqis are already telling anyone who’d listen that they are shitting themselves, as they have no proper army to defend the co-called democracy that the Americans have left behind. Not to mention that they don’t even have a government in place to govern. So all the talk on the streets of Baghdad is of a civil war breaking out, with Al-Qaeda marching in and taking over. Crazy situation, absolutely crazy. What was the point of the whole bloody exercise? To get a million people whacked and leave? Are the generals in the Pentagon nuts or what?

And then there’s another crazy place, Afghanistan. Who the hell in Washington still thinks that the war there is winnable? It’s been lost, like, since last year at least. Maybe even longer than that. The yanks have installed that crazy dude, President Hamid ‘fancy dresser’ Karzai, and think that he can hold on to power, even when they leave. Well let me tell you something: the moment US troops and their NATO chums leave, Karzai and his crowd will be in Switzerland, at best, starting a new life there. Or, at worst, they’ll be hanging from a lamppost or a tree. Forty billion greens of foreign aid later the country is still stuck in the 13th century, with most of the money successfully ‘invested’ into off-shore accounts and fancy properties in Dubai. Is it crazy or what?

And from Afghanistan we can cross the border to Pakistan, and find a lot of craziness there as well. Floods are everywhere and apart from the local Taliban no one really cares about the victims. Aid money is disappearing and the secret service, the ISI, is quietly funding the insurgents in Afghanistan. Using American money, by the way, and American arms. Is it crazy or what? Who the hell is running things in Pakistan? Is anyone running them at all? And how about the nukes? Are they safe or are they available to the highest bidder?

Over to India next: what’s up with these people? Why are they so obsessed with finishing off Pakistan? I thought they were supposed to be Buddhists and all peaceful like. But no, they are sitting there, meditating, thinking how best to finish off the dreaded Pakis, while producing more nukes. (Are these nukes safe, by the way? Or are they on sale? Would be nice to know.) And what’s with the so-called economic boom in India, eh? They’ve got more than a billion people living there and out of them only about 0,001 per cent is experiencing a boom. The others live in shit. And that’s called prosperity? Crazy!

And talking about prosperity for the few, let’s move northwards from India: what is this thing about China becoming an economic superpower? What flipping superpower? Has everyone gone stark raving mad? China is a bleeding communist dictatorship, OK? There’s no such thing as an economic communist superpower. It’s an economy that is based on a thing called slave labour, when everyone works for peanuts and if they don’t like it they get shot. Simple Marxist economics. The only thing that can happen is that China quietly builds a huge military machine and starts having a go at its neighbours, one by one. And then all hell will break loose and we might have a World War 3 easy peasy. Crazy, just crazy.

And what about China’s northern neighbour, Russia? Who on earth came up with a stupid idea that Russia is some emerging democracy with a booming economy? What democracy? Where have you seen democracy in Russia? They have unelected presidents running the show since 1996, getting their instructions from a bunch of crooked businessman and bankers. The country stinks, literally, and all of its money is kept in Switzerland and other off-shore safe havens. No chance of ever getting it back. Oil and gas are powering Russia’s economy. It’s like Saudi Arabia only with nukes. So forget all that talk about an emerging new economic power.

Which brings us to the European Union: who the hell thinks that this is a gathering of equals? It’s a corrupt organisation run by Germany and France that shower themselves with subsidies at the expense of others and let Britain and Spain and Italy get in on the bit of the action, so as not to piss them off too much. The whole bloody thing was created to suit France and Germany, and a bunch of unelected Eurocrats in Brussels, who are obsessed with power and suck bankers’ dicks. It’s a bit like a secret world government, only it’s very visible and very corrupt. And you know what the craziest thing of all: here they bang about how good the EU is in organising and running things, but guess what: Belgium where they headquarter is falling apart and has had no proper government for the last two years. How’s that for running things? Madness, total madness.

And then there is the whole of Africa: do you know how much money the rest of the world gives Africa in aid each year? 100 billion dollars, that’s how much. If only a quarter of it went into something worthwhile they’ll be rolling in prosperity now. But what happens in reality? Their government use that money how they see fit. They put it on off shore accounts in those very same countries that give them the money. So it’s like Africa is reinvesting all the money back in its donors. Crazy, eh?

Latin America? Don’t you talk to me about Latin America! They supposedly got that giant of nation, Brazil, that is growing into a world super power. Sure, but how come half of its population don’t know about it? And that’s on a good day. On a bad day two/thirds of Brazilians have no idea that they are prospering. Go figure, eh? Argentina is also doing nicely, they say, but it’s just another bubble that will burst like all bubbles do. Paper capitalism at its best. And Venezuela is not that far behind. Should have been a wealthy country with all that oil it has but it’s just another socialist shithole with a nutter in charge, who goes around the world, kissing dictators and screaming about American imperialism. Crazy, absolutely crazy.

One thing is certain though: little people everywhere are going to be f..ked for years to come. Prosperity or no prosperity.

– End –

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Dear God, I really need your help in making Russia great again. Things have not been going well, to be honest. I mean, most of the outside world still thinks that we’re growing stronger by the day and getting that economy moving, but to tell you the truth, outside Moscow it’s a mess. And I mean a real mess. I’d even say things are worse now than they have been in Soviet times. Yes, that’s how bad it is. So it would be great, dear God, if you could do something about it and, you know, turn Russia into another America, with great roads running in all directions and troops kicking foreign butt thousand of miles away somewhere. Oh yes, and democracy really working for the the chosen few.

But that’s not really the main point of my prayer, God. There are some things I wanted to ask you today that concern me personally. And don’t get me wrong, I will be prepared to pay for them. You know, donate money to restoring churches and monasteries that would be like paying you, right?

First of all, God, can I have my hair back? There’s practically nothing left on top and my comb-over looks pathetic now. And I really need to look good as I’m dating this hot chick at the moment, with a great figure and breasts to die for. So a good crop of hair would really help me to look younger and more desirable. Not that I don’t look young and desirable at the moment, obviously.

And then there’s my height, God. I really, really need to have a couple or more inches added to look more impressive. You may not know this, but I’m going to become President of Russia again soon and start attending all those high profile summits and gatherings, and I don’t want to look stupid standing beside others who are towering over me. It’s a bit embarrassing, to be honest. I, the President of Russia, have to look up to Barack Obama and that new kid on the block, David Cameron. It’s just ain’t right, God.

I’d also be really grateful if you could improve my face a bit. Some people talk behind my back, saying I look like a rodent. And when I look at myself in the mirror I sometimes get this feeling that I do look a bit strange. You know, eyes too narrow, nose too thin, lips barely visible. It’s just doesn’t look right, considering that I’m a hard man of Russian politics.

And talking of appearances: I’d really appreciate, God, if you could pump up my body. It’s not like I’m complaining or anything, but a bit more muscle and lots of chest hair could do wonders for my 2011 and 2012 calendars photos that I’m shooting at the moment. I’m doing them in the usual tasteful way, naked torso and all, to secure that all important female vote in 2012 presidential election. Although to be honest with you, God, I’d be very surprised if I don’t win hands down in two years’ time.

And one more thing God: I’d like to live until I’m 150, or maybe even longer. Because I’d need at least 80 to 90 years to implement my vision of what Russia should be like. And it would be great if I looked young and energetic, well into my 150s. So that my people could feel secure in the thought that their leader is on top of things.

Finally, dear God, I’d like to remain sexually active for as long as possible. I know, I know, there’s always Viagra and folk remedies, but I’d still like to be a five-times-a-night man, like Tony Blair, and be able to please as many women as possible, like Bill Clinton and Silvio Berlusconi.

Well, that’s probably all for now, dear God. I may have missed some bits and pieces, but there’s always another time and place to talk to you. Thank you in advance for your assistance.

– End –

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3. How Are Things In Haiti? Great, Just Great, We Are Told

As for money that has been donated to fund the relief effort, it now amounts to many hundreds of millions, and growing. The United Nations is involved, the World Bank, the International Red Cross, Oxfam and many other good Samaritans.

So why all the impressive stats, you may be wondering. What’s the big deal, you may ask, in the international community getting together to help the poor Haitians get over one of the worst natural disasters in recent history? Well, the point is, ladies and gents, that this massive effort has not yet really produced any dramatic results and hasn’t benefited the 1.5 victims of the earthquake who have lost their homes and are living in tent camps, like the one you see on the image that accompanies this piece. Yep, despite all the money and all that impressive foreign presence there’s nothing really to write home about, as they say.

Now why would that be? I suppose the first thing that comes to mind is that the money was either stolen before it even reached the island, or was misused once it got there. Or maybe a large chunk of it was spent on all those foreign relief workers, to help them settle in and get used to the local harsh environment. Not to mention setting aside a bundle to pay for the first anniversary of the earthquake next January when a lot of very important people would be coming to sample some great wines and food and congratulate themselves on a job well done. Bill Clinton will be there and Ban Ki Moon and some other VIPs and you know how they like a bit of rugged luxury.

The worst thing for the victims of the earthquake is that the world media that had made such a big fuss last January about the disaster is no longer interested. It’s got other things on its mind, like the floods in Pakistan that have displaced millions of people. Showing dramatic footage from Pakistan is much more exciting than checking on some pathetic relief effort in Haiti. Not to mention that celebs are now associating themselves with Pakistan a lot, to score maximum points and get that publicity train of theirs really rolling. Pakistan is hot now and Haiti is not, from the hacks’ point of view. So f..k Haiti and its victims. Shit happens, as they say.

And guess what’s the funniest thing of all in this, in a tragic sort of sense that is: exactly the same fate awaits the relief effort in Pakistan as the one in Haiti: private banks accounts of certain individuals will swell and the victims will be living in camps for years to come. Natural disasters are big business, you see. So the only way to spoil the fun for the people who prosper from them is to piss them off a bit, like we did here. Not much more can be done though.

– End –

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3. Ban Ki-Moon, of UN, Struts His Stuff In Pakistan. Should We Expect Bono, Of U2, To Come As Well?

Dodgy looking characters, calling themselves ‘UN officials’, have been telling anyone who’d listen that Mr Ban is really pissed off by the reluctance of the world media to give him credit for dealing with natural disasters and solving the world’s problems. If this man loses his patience and walks away from it all, these ‘officials’ have said, the world would become a more dangerous place to live in.

Out of nearly half a billion dollars that have been promised to the UN for its relief fund for Pakistan only a very small amount has materialised at the moment, and Mr Ban is not happy about it. Don’t forget, this is a man who last year singlehandedly promised that the UN would raise half a billion greens for the earthquake hit Haiti – and is still chasing people who simply took the piss and didn’t give a dime. This time, though, the UN Secretary-General is in no joking mood and is prepared to read out threatening statements for as long as it takes.

Meanwhile, millions of Pakistanis have been rejoicing at the thought that Mr Ban’s arrival heralds the start of an extended celebrity season, with some famous names and faces, and sometimes both, coming over to offer their word of support. Rumours are spreading throughout the country that the most famous couple in the world, Elizabeth Hurley and her husband whose name escapes everyone, are on their way. There’s even talk that several contestants from the X-Factor and American Idol might come over – and sing to cheer up the victims of the floods, who have lost their homes and possessions and loved ones and crave to hear some really good songs performed by top amateurs.

Mr Ban has made it abundantly clear in his statements, that he read with passion and feeling, that he’ll be monitoring the relief effort in Pakistan closely, from his vast holiday villa in the Bahamas, and calling on world leaders to give them a piece of his mind over the phone. ‘This is no time for pussyfooting,’ a man claiming to be Mr Ban’s spokesman said. ‘We need to raise at least 200 million as soon as possible to fund visits of leading politicians and celebrities, who will be parading their concern over the plight of millions of Pakistanis.’

The UN has been denying reports that a lot of its footage from Pakistan, shown over the past two weeks, has been actually taken from old archives and depicts a flood in a different country altogether, with images of Mr Ban digitally implanted into the scenes of devastation. According to a man who claims to speak for the UN, it’s freaking unbelievable that some people would suspect the most caring of all international institutions to produce fake news footage. ‘Besides,’ he said, ‘we don’t have that sort of equipment.’

To make things even more exciting, the Pakistani government came out fighting in response to accusations of corruption and misuse of funds that are donated to the relief effort. A spokesman in Islamabad told no one in particular: ‘The fact that most of the relief money has disappeared doesn’t necessarily mean that we are all bad people here. It’s an ancient custom in our country to let victims of natural disasters sort out their problems themselves. Like an old saying says, “‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”’

The Indian government revealed, meanwhile, that it was watching the situation in Pakistan closely, and with a certain feeling of envy. ‘Just thinking about all that money that will go astray makes our mouths water,’ one official told some people, off the record, in a seedy bar in New Delhi.

It remains to be seen whether Mr Ban, of the UN, will ask Mr Bono, of U2, to throw his weight behind the relief effort and write a single about it.

– End –

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Well, let me tell you something: they probably do all of these things and more. But most of all world leaders are busy on their holidays plotting against their allies and enemies alike, thinking of ways to cling on to their cushy jobs for as long as humanely possible. The rest is not that important to them. Screw the rest, if they can’t figure out a way to keep their opponents at bay and suppress decent in their own ranks.

And now that you have an idea of the priorities that world leaders have while they’re on holiday, let me speculate about the other things they do. I bet the big boys play war games on their hols and imagine that they are pressing that magic ‘nuclear button’ that accompanies them everywhere they go. I can just imagine Chinese President Hu Jintao, who is holidaying at a secret location in the south of France, or Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, who is chilling out in a vast official residence in the resort of Sochi on the Black Sea, or French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who is spending three weeks at Cap Negre, on the French Riviera, asking their aides to bring them the briefcases with the nuclear codes and pretend that they face a stark choice of whether to order a nuclear strike or not. They all look like people who would love to hum the tune from Mission Impossible while imagining themselves deciding the fate of mankind.

Although President Barack Obama, who off to the West Coast, and Prime Minister David Cameron, who is holidaying in Cornwall, don’t really look like people who’d play war games, it’s still possible that they might be tempted to imagine an international crisis and hum the Mission Impossible tune, at least a couple of times during their holidays. They say that all the Israeli Prime Ministers in the past 20 years liked to imagine that they were facing a nuclear crisis and pretended to ‘press the nuclear button’ while they were taking a break.

Meanwhile world leaders who have no nukes to play with, like Chancellor Angela Merkel, must be spending a lot of time on her holiday – this year she is taking a break in Sulden, South Tyrol – devising plans to conquer Europe by economic means. Being a confident woman, she’s probably having an affair with one of the waiters or janitors and writing her memoirs when she has any spare time left from all that illicit sex.

Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, who is spending his summer break in a rented castle outside Rome, can only be up to one thing: partying all the time with different young women, having his famous foursome romps and plotting against his former allies who have walked out on him, leaving him no other opportunity but to call and early election soon. Spanish PM Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, who spent a week with his family in Leon, in northern Spain, must have been mostly plotting against his enemies and friends, as his political future looks very bleak. No drinking and drug taking for Jose, that’s for sure. He’s got too much on his plate.

Irrelevant leaders , like Danish Prime Minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen, do the strangest of things during their holidays. Lars, would you believe it, has been on a cycling trip from Bremen to Paris this summer, although cynics say that it might have been a cover for popping down to Luxemburg or Lichtenstein and checking on the balance of his secret off-shore accounts. Caretaker Belgian Prime Minister Yves Leterme has been playing golf in Provence, although again it might have been a cover for doing something kinky, like visiting seedy joints or hanging out with drunken sailors.

Vain bastards like Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe, North Korean leader Kim Jong IL and Cuban hardman Fidel Castro probably spend their holidays posing for their portraits that they want to leave for posterity. And that troublemaker, Iranian President Ahmadinejad, is probably refusing to have a holiday, out of spite, and is visiting nuclear instillations and making inflammatory speeches that no one listens to anymore.

That’s what going on this August in the world of high politics, folks,.

– End –

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How about having a go at Mongolia, for example? It’s a shitty, barely populated country that has no proper economy and is landlocked between Russia and China. Does anyone care what the Mongolian government thinks or does? Nope. So PM Cameron can safely have a go at Mongolia and say it like it is: that it’s a shitty place with no proper economy that might as well go f..k itself.

And while we are staying in that part of the woods why not piss off Nepal, Burma or Sri Lanka, three irrelevant countries with no military muscle, no money and no mineral resources? Even if they get upset about some comments that Mr Cameron would make, it would be easy to ignore them completely. You know, put your fingers to your ears and say: ‘La-la-la-la, I can’t hear what you’re saying, people. Nope, not a word.’

And how about offending Sudan. Somalia, Chad, Malavi and the Democratic Republic of Congo? Everyone is doing it at the moment, for all sorts of reasons, so Mr Cameron can really pile up the diplomatic pressure and say rude things about these nations. It would sound brave and controversial, considering that all of these folks are based in Africa, so no one could accuse PM Cameron of political correctness. He tells it like it is, the hacks would conclude. He calls a spade a spade. And we like that in a world leader.

But let’s not be constrained by the Far East, Asia and Africa in search of countries that PM Cameron can have a go at. Why not criticise Suriname, Ecuador, Trinidad and Tobago and Guyana. All irrelevant states that can be bullied and offended and told to get lost without any fear of retribution. By the way, the late US President Ronald Reagan, who is so often remembered as a tough guy who had won the Cold War singlehandedly, scored a lot of points by invading the tiny island of Grenada and constantly pestering no less helpless Nicaragua and Honduras. So Mr Cameron should take note that it’s not the size of the country you piss off with your comments that matters, it’s the way you package the whole thing and make it sound tough and principled.

There are other irrelevant tiny states that PM Cameron can piss off without causing any problems for himself: Nauru and Tuvalu in the Pacific Ocean, the Marshall Islands, Saint Kitts and Nevis and several others.

Technically the smallest country in the world is the Vatican but it would be unwise for Mr Cameron to criticise that proud nation and its leader as it’s got a bit of a following in the world, about 1,2 billion people to be exact, and that just might backfire on the British government. Just as it wouldn’t be right to attack Monaco, as it’s quite possible that many of Mr Cameron’s benefactors keep their money there and, who knows, maybe when he retires he will hide his several hard earned billion there as well. For what politician comes to power if not to enrich himself to no avail?

So basically PM Cameron can kill two birds with one stone if he chooses the countries he attacks wisely: he’ll be seen as a no nonsense man and at the same time avoid any possible diplomatic problems. What’s there not to like about it?

– End –

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Word is that at the last G8 summit in Canada the world leaders performed several classic pop hits, once all the snappers and hacks were shoved out of the conference room and the musicians smuggled in. The presiding Canadian Prime Minister, whose name usually escapes everyone, suggested that the best song to open the summit would be Queen’s We Are The Champions. The idea was accepted, as the track is rich in melody and underlying messages. As it was British Prime Minister David Cameron’s first ever G8 gathering, he was allowed to do the honours and perform the lead vocals, while the rest lined up to provide the backing sounds. It was a great team effort, with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Nicolas ‘lover boy’ Sarkozy singing loudest and Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi singing out of tune, as he always does. President Barack Obama showed off some pretty fancy dancing moves and produced that smooth and silky soul sound that gets women all excited.

Then the G8 leaders sang Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple, for no specific reason, and Stevie Wonder’s I Just Called To Say I Love You, suggested by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, who is a sucker for a good melodic love song. Then someone suggested singing Pink Floyd’s The Wall and it was performed as an extended version. According to waiters, it was a joy to see the world leaders gyrating, with Ms Merkel and Mr Sarkozy doing their slow, slinky moves while touching themselves provocatively.

The summit was crowned by the Beatles’ Hey Jude, with the musicians and waiters joining in, to give the song a fuller, richer anti-Semitic theme. No wonder the summit was considered a huge success, even though no political decisions were taken.

This singing tradition spreads across the whole of the political spectrum. The G20 summits have become renowned for their singing behind closed doors, with a full orchestra playing in the background. At the last G20 summit in Canada Rod Stewart’s classic, I Am Sailing, was performed twice, first as a solo effort by the King of Saudi Arabia, who sang it in Hebrew, and then by all the 20 world leaders, who put a lot of feeling and conviction into their vocals. Bill Wither’s Lean On Me was another song that was performed at the summit twice, with some world leaders shedding a tear and leaning on each other in a show of emotion.

It is a fact that during the last UN General Assembly all 194 delegates sang such favoured classics as the Isley Brother’s Who That Lady and Teddy Tendegrass’s Love TKO. Another firm favourite among the UN diplomats last year was Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, the Elton John version, and the never aging You Sexy Motherf..ker by Prince. UN Secretary General Man Ki-Moon and his deputies stepped in to play their air guitars when the song, Suck Me Sideways, by a relatively unknown act, the Busty Bimbos, was performed in the vast hall by all the delegates.

At the EU summits European leaders are known to sing throughout most of the proceeding, stickling to R&B and Hip Hop tracks. At their last gathering, where David Cameron had his initiation ceremony and had to pick up a walnut from the floor with his bare buttocks and carry across the room, the lead song of the evening was Culture Club’s smash, Karma Chameleon, that was performed at least three times. The summit ended in a sombre performance of Tina Turner’s sulky track, Private Dancer, with Chancellor Merkel doing the lead vocals and Mr Cameron playing the drums, without being allowed to actually hit them in any way. That’s what happens when you don’t toe the EU party line.

Singing at regional summits, especially in Africa and Latin America, is renowned for its diversity and emotion, with some meetings basically amounting to regional leaders going through their favourite tracks and leaving all the talking to their aides and advisors.

As for two-nation summits, the singing is mostly limited to acoustic guitars and is not as extended and diverse as in multi-national gatherings, although President Sarkozy and Chancellor Merkel have been known for performing duets for hours on end during their meeting, without bothering to discuss any of the political issues.

– End –

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President Obama (PO): Now let’s get this straight right from the start, Dave: I don’t really like Britain and anything that has the word ‘British’ in it, like British Petroleum, for example.

PM Cameron (PMC): I hope you don’t feel as strongly about the word ‘British’ in my title of the British Prime Minister’.

PO: To be perfectly honest, I’m not really keen on it even in your title. I try to think of you as just a prime minister who’s not really representing any country. PM Dave is how I see you.

PMC: I can understand how you feel, Barack. That spill in the Gulf was a real test for you.

PO: It was a disaster. I have enough problems as it is, without worrying about some giant oil spill that threatens to send my popularity down the toilet.

PMC: BP is very sorry for what has happened and will pay compensation to anyone affected.

PO: Well, I’ve been affected, so will they pay me?

PMC: Why not. How much are we talking here Barack?

PO: Say $500 million?

PMC: Pretty steep, but I’ll see what I can do about it.

PO: And one more thing: I wasn’t exactly over the moon with the presents you gave me. No, honestly, a piece of graffiti by some street punk, a bunch of candles and two pairs of Wellington boots for my girls. What sort of presents are that? I’m the President of the United States, for God’s sake, I deserve better than that.

PMC: Sorry about that, Barack, but we’ve got rules on presents and I can’t really go over certain amounts.

PO: OK, let’s get to the serious stuff now: I want you to tell everyone that Britain is America’s junior partner and has always been its junior partner, ever since the last big war. Remind people that we, Americans, had won the war and you were only there to help us.

PMC: Will do, Barack. We’re a small country now and can’t pretend to be a superpower anymore.

PO: And I also want you to stop sending confusing signals about Afghanistan. No more silly talk about starting to withdraw your troops next year. You’re stuck with us, when we go, you go. But not earlier.

PMC: Sure thing. We’re in this together to the end. As in united we stand, divided we fall.

PO: And don’t you forget it, Dave. Which brings me to the Lockerbie bomber that your people have released. You’ll have to open a public inquiry into his release that should conclude that it was a grave mistake and that al- Megrahi should be returned to Britain.

PMC: It’ll be the first thing on my diary the moment I return.

PO: Good, good. And as a small favour to me, I’d like you to spread the word among your European chums that I’m in full control here and that I’m on top of things, as you say it in Britain, Tell them that you are very impressed by my overall performance and my policies.

PMC: Sure, Barack, no problem. Will call Angela, Nicolas and Silvio the moment I arrive back home.

PO: And one last thing before I forget, Dave: I want your government to apologise for the horrific way you treated the people of Kenya in the 1950s. You probably know that my grandfather suffered from your colonial thugs during the suppression of the troubles there. It would only be right if you go on the record and say that Britain behaved like a fascist colonial power that it then was.

PMC: I see no problem with that, Barack. We’ll apologise very publicly and unreservedly for all the terrible suffering we caused the proud Kenyan people.

PO: Great. By the way, have you started writing your memoirs?

PMC: Well, I pencilled a few thoughts about my role in saving Britain from a constitutional crisis and introducing a new, dynamic style of politics.

PO: Great idea. It always makes sense to keep track of what you’re doing. I’ve been running my diary since day one and already have 500 pages of self-congratulatory notes.

PMC: I loved your two previous books, Barack. Don’t go to bed without rereading some passages.

PO: Good for you, Dave. Shows you have good taste. Although I must say your taste in partners is not exactly all that great.

PMC: Whatever do you mean, Barack?

PO: I mean that guy, Nick, you’re dating. He’s a bit weird looking, isn’t he?

PMC: Nick is not my partner, Barack. He’s my deputy. You got it all wrong. Samantha is my wife and the mother of my children.

PO: Oh, I see, I must have confused you with Tony Blair. He was into men, wasn’t he?

PMC: Not as far as I know.

PMC: OK, forget it. Now that we have covered everything why don’t you mix me a cocktail and tell me about your idea of a Big Society.

PMC: No problem, Barack. Would you like your favourite, Bloody Mary?

PO: Yep, that’ll be just fine. And make one for yourself. We’ll toast the special relations that we have between our two countries and your new independent approach to dealing with us.

– End –

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The downside of the riches accumulated by central government underlines one stark fact: the wealth accumulated by the growth of the economy since 1978 has flowed to Beijing and the large corporations and not to the people. The startling truth is that although the centre is cash rich, more and more local administrations are on the brink of bankruptcy.

Local administrations have used urban development investment vehicles (UDIVs) to generate income. The normal way for a local authority to pay its way is to take out bank loans with land as collateral. However the property market at present is shaky with many comparing it to a bubble which will soon burst. This would slash dramatically the value of the land which backs the loans. Estimates of the present debts of local authorities range from $1 trillion to $1.5 trillion.

So far this year, revenues flowing into the state treasury have increased by over 30 per cent and profits of large enterprises have risen by over 80 per cent. On the other hand, average wages for workers and farmers only rose by 10 per cent. Inflation is estimated to be 3 per cent at present.

It is no accident that China has seen a rash of strikes in many enterprises. They began in foreign owned companies, especially Japanese and Taiwanese, but have spread to state owned factories. The present generation of workers are clearly no longer willing to work long hours in difficult conditions for low wages. As a result nine cities and provinces, including Beijing and Shenzhen have raised the minimum wage for workers by up to 31 per cent. This sounds impressive but is not. In prosperous Guangzhou, the average monthly wage for a worker has risen to $161, over four times that of 1993. However over the same period average salaries rose more than six times.

Chinese scholars have now identified a new problem: a rich government versus poor citizens. One writer points out that whereas the Chinese government’s revenue is second only to that of the United Sates, the average income of Chinese citizens languishes behind that of over 100 countries. These include many Third World countries.

The central government’s huge fiscal stimulus of 2008 promoted the setting up of more than 4,000 UDIVs. The goal was to promote infrastructural development but it turned out that most UDIVs were only interested in property speculation. According to Beijing, debts in seven provinces and ten cities are now greater than revenue. In the worst case, debts were almost four times revenue. Moreover 31 local authorities have had to take out new loans to cover the interest on existing loans. There are fears that regional government finances could collapse. This has prevented Beijing from taking action to rectify the property and other asset bubbles. In Shanghai, for instance, apartments are now selling at the ridiculous price of $2,500 per square metre. That in a city where the average monthly wage of a worker is $300.

About half the first party secretaries in the 27 provinces and autonomous regions of China are appointees of the President Hu Jintao who is the patron of the Communist Youth League faction in the leadership. This, however, has proved no guarantee against profligate spending in the regions. How effective is Beijing’s control of the provinces? It can sack and replace as many as it likes but the local culture of graft and wheeling and dealing continues. How long can this state of affairs continue before workers and farmers rebel? The richer China becomes the greater the contradictions between the centre and the provinces become. Will China eventually implode?

– End –

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STI: Commissioner, how’s the relief effort in Haiti going?

Commissioner: It’s going great. The amount of money that we’ve raised is approaching $22 billion and we can really start thinking about implementing all the wonderful plans that we have developed in the last several months.

STI: Are you saying, Commissioner, that you haven’t actually done much up to now?

Commissioner: What gave you that idea? We’ve been very busy preparing for the party to mark the first anniversary of the disaster that is fast approaching. No expense will be spared to raise awareness of the great work we do here. We’ve also commenced construction of the new presidential palace that would be twice as big as the old one. We attach great importance to this project, as it would give the much needed encouragement to so many Haitians. And don’t forget, we’ve laid out the red carpet treatment for hundreds of celebrities, both A-list and B-list, who have graced the island with their presence to remind everyone about their ability to feel other people’s pain and suffering. These things don’t come cheap, you know, and demand meticulous planning. Celebs are very touchy and can get very upset if they don’t get proper treatment.

STI: And what about building new homes for the 1.6 million inhabitants of the tent camps?

Commissioner: Can I be brutally honest with you on that one?

STI: Sure, feel free to tell it like it is.

Commissioner: We feel that most of the people who have lost their homes in the earthquake have got used to living in tents. They are very nice tents, by the way. To be honest, I would have loved to live in a tent like that myself. I sometimes sit in my five-star hotel and think: why don’t I move into a tent and have some fun?

STI: So you mean the homeless Haitians are happy with their temporary accommodation?

Commissioner: Very happy. They love to be closer to each other and in a tent camp that’s exactly what they get: closeness to their neighbours.

STI: What about food and water?

Commissioner: What about them?

STI: Have you managed to provide the victims of the earthquake with food and water?

Commissioner: Depends whether you’re coming from on this one. If you mean raising awareness of the problem, then I can tell you that all the victims of the earthquake are acutely aware that they need food and water. But if you’re actually saying: do we deliver food and water on a daily basis, then I’d have to acknowledge that we are still not there yet.

STI: What about kids who’ve lost their parents – what are you doing about them?

Commissioner: We comfort them. We have sent out 100,000 thousand leaflets telling children that they should not be ashamed of having no mamas and papas. Shit happens, our leaflet says, in a way that children understand. We tell them: there’s no point complaining about your loss all the time. Get on with your lives.

STI: But have you tried arranging their adoption?

Commissioner: You bet we did. We’ve invited hundreds of wealthy people from the US and offered them to adopt babies and young children for a million dollars a head. We’ve already managed to sell…, sorry, to arrange adoptions for at least 14 children. We also asked politicians from abroad to adopt young Haitian girls and I’m proud to announce that several very well known names in world politics have come forward and adopted 18-year-old girls. To give them a better future.

STI: Has anyone been checking how the donated money is spent?

Commissioner: Can I tell it to you straight?

STI: Fire away, Commissioner.

Commissioner: Our relief effort is based on trust and trust alone. We can’t be bothered to check how every billion is spent. The Haitian government has assured us that every dollar we give them goes on good causes. Why should we doubt them?

STI: Why indeed. Still, it is a bit odd that nothing’s much changed in the past year, isn’t it?

Commissioner: I don’t agree with that. Just look at the hundreds of people like government ministers, street traders, charity workers and local witchdoctors who have benefitted from our aid. At any moment now we will start helping others.

STI: Commissioner, what you’ve told us is unbelievable.

Commissioner: Well, come to see me next year and I’ll tell you even more amazing things about our great work here.

– End –

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