Casting A Cynical Glance At Syria: It Sure Is Turning Into Libya Number 2

February 13, 2012

Casting A Cynical Glance At Syria: It Sure Is Turning Into Libya Number 2

Anton Goryunov writes from Damascus: Let’s be cynical about Syria for a change – and I mean no disrespect for the suffering of ordinary people there. Let me ask you this: how could it happen that a supposedly unarmed and disorganised opposition still manages to resist the highly trained Syrian army for more than 11 months? Take your time to answer. Roll that question with your tongue in your mouth, trying to find an explanation to this amazing development. Smacks of some fairy tale from 1001 Arabian Nights, doesn’t it? OK, let me take an educate guess here: someone has obviously been shipping arms to the Syrian opposition. I would even go as far as saying that these shipments have been growing in volume and frequency and at some point we would see some pretty heavy stuff arriving,... 

Wondering: What’s The Point Of Having The UN?

February 8, 2012

Wondering: What’s The Point Of Having The UN?

Dan Majestic writes from New York: With the mess in and around Syria getting worse by the day, compliments of pretty much everyone on the UN Security Council, the question I suppose that everyone is asking is this: what the hell is the point of the United Nations if it can’t resolve conflicts around the world? It’s all very fine for thousands of diplomats to lead a cushy life, sitting in their plush offices in New York, getting paid huge salaries from the public purse, but how come they are totally useless when it comes to actually producing some worthwhile diplomacy? We have already witnessed how the UN screwed up in Iraq, basically letting America and Britain invade it under false pretences. Have any harsh words about this been said by the ‘international community’ one million dead... 

‘Arry 1 Revenue And Customs 0: A Victory For Off Shore Banking

February 8, 2012

‘Arry 1 Revenue And Customs 0: A Victory For Off Shore Banking

Martin McCauley writes from White Hart Lane: Celebrations are going on well into the night as Spurs fans vent their relief that ‘Arry Redknapp has beaten the taxman. It was a game that went to extra time. The case had nothing to do with Tottenham Hotspur though. It was all about ‘Arry’s time as manager of Portsmouth. He was accused of allegedly hiding bungs he had received for facilitating the transfer of players, first and foremost of Peter Crouch, from the club. The Revenue asserted that he’d placed some of the money in an off shore account named after his pet dog in Monaco. What they didn’t know was that he had other accounts in the name of his pet python, Arsène Wenger, his pet Rottweiler Sir Alex Ferguson, and his pet mouse Andre Villas-Boas. At the time of writing these are... 

Things You Always Wanted To Ask Kate And Gerry McCann, But Couldn’t

February 7, 2012

Things You Always Wanted To Ask Kate And Gerry McCann, But Couldn’t

Ben Delicious writes from London: As the search for Madeleine McCann, who had vanished in May 2007 in Portugal, continues, compliments of the British taxpayers, imagine if you could have put some seriously tough questions to Kate and Gerry McCann, to set the record straight on some of the troubling aspects of this whole affair that seems to be preoccupying a lot of people. What would you have asked the couple and what would they have told you? Gripping stuff, this, eh? Much more exciting than a real interview. Anyway, judging by the strong feelings Madeleine’s disappearance continues to stir among the masses, I suppose the first question to the McCanns would probably sound something like: ‘Have you had anything to do with your daughter going missing? It’s a hard-hitting question reflecting... 

Why Would Anyone Become A Politician, If Not To Get Rich And Enjoy The Perks Of Office?

February 6, 2012

Why Would Anyone Become A Politician, If Not To Get Rich And Enjoy The Perks Of Office?

Ted Obvious writes from Paris: Why would anyone go into politics, if not to get filthy rich, enjoy all those the perks of office, paid for by the taxpayers, and, let’s be honest about it, have no responsibility whatsoever for anything while not really doing all that much? It’s always funny to hear politicians talk about their desire to ‘change things for the better’ and ‘improve the lives of others’. Power, or rather abuse of it at every given opportunity, is obviously never mentioned. Even though the moment they get elected or appointed, politicians start seriously overdoing it with their perks and freebies, basking in the adoration of all sorts of wealthy people, who always want something in return for their hospitality and generosity. The thing is that most people go into politics... 

Tony Blair Goes To Afghanistan And Discovers How To Make A Billion

February 2, 2012

Tony Blair Goes To Afghanistan And Discovers How To Make A Billion

Martin McCauley reports from Kabul: A secret meeting has taken place between Tony Blair and President Hamid Karzai in the Afghan capital. However, my sources are such that nothing stays secret very long from my ears. Karzai: Welcome, Mr Prime Minister… Blair: Er, er. But I’m no longer Prime Minister. I’m now forced to work for a living. Although, to be honest, I often imagine myself still running things in Britain, starting wars and all that kind of stuff. Once you’ve tasted the spoils of high office, you know, it stays with you forever. Karzai: You’re telling me? I’m a tribal chief at heart and it’s natural for me to crave for power. But I haven’t invited you here today to talk about what it feels to be in high office. The thing is I have run... 

Of Wars Already Lost. And Yet To Be Lost

January 30, 2012

Of Wars Already Lost. And Yet To Be Lost

Ted Obvious writes from Kabul: First, a bit of breaking news: it turns out that American officials have secretly met the Taliban boys in Qatar, opening the way for formal peace talks between the Afghan government and the insurgents to start in several weeks’ time, possibly in Saudi Arabia. In case you’re wondering what the hell it all means, let me explain: it means that NATO is desperately trying to come up with some face saving arrangement, to cover up its humiliating defeat in Afghanistan. As in: yeah, sure, we’re pulling out soon, but we’re helping to bring former enemies together and it wouldn’t be out fault if they fail to work out an agreement. In case you have forgotten, the invasion of Afghanistan was launched by the US and Britain in 2001, with the sole aim of removing... 

Of Using The F-Word Properly. And Keeping Its Sparkle Intact

January 28, 2012

Of Using The F-Word Properly. And Keeping Its Sparkle Intact

Dan Majestic writes from New York: What the hell is wrong with this world of ours? It’s come to a point when most people can’t even use the F-word properly anymore. I personally blame the movie industry and television. There’s too much  swearing going on both the big and the small screens, but it’s done without any passions or dedication. Mediocre actors pepper their dialogues with F-words and it looks and sounds pathetic. There’s no conviction in that sort of swearing, no zest, if you know what I mean. And viewers, especially impressionable young people, get the notion that you can treat swearing without the respect it demands. And that’s really bad. Take the most important rule: use the F-word and other swear-words sparingly, otherwise they lose their sparkle. What the... 

Gathering In Davos? A Waste Of Time And Money As Far As Most People Are Concerned

January 28, 2012

Gathering In Davos? A Waste Of Time And Money As Far As Most People Are Concerned

Anton Goryunov reports from Davos, Switzerland: It’s that time of year again when politicians, bankers, big businessmen and all sorts of dodgy looking characters claiming to be millionaires and billionaires get together in the Swiss resort of Davos, to supposedly discuss pressing problems of the world and come up with their solutions. As if a posh resort is the best place to do that. Conspiracy enthusiasts would tell you that the World Economic Forum, as the gathering in Davos is called, is actually a front for the secret world government to give out instructions to key players from around the world on what to do. They point out that it’s the best opportunity for the shady world rulers to set out the agenda for the whole year, and then adjust the targets at the annual Bilderberg Group meeting... 

So Is A Big War On The Cards This Year Or The Year After? Yep, One Big War Coming Up

January 24, 2012

So Is A Big War On The Cards This Year Or The Year After? Yep, One Big War Coming Up

Ted Obvious writes from Tehran: Let’s be cynical for a change and ask ourselves this: is a big war on the cards this year or the year after? And let’s be just as cynical in answering ourselves; yep, one big war is coming up soon. How come I sound so confident, you may wonder. Well, it so happens that the European Union’s very own foreign ministers got together in Brussels yesterday and agreed to introduce some pretty tough sanctions against Iran, hitting it below the belt, if you pardon the expression, and approving an oil embargo and a freeze of assets of the Iranian central bank held in Europe. All in the name of preventing Iran from developing its own nuclear weapons. But if you ask me, these sort of sanctions represent an act of war in themselves, so it’s only a matter of time before... 

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