Bank Of England Treating All People As Idiots. All Of The Time

February 9, 2012

Bank Of England Treating All People As Idiots. All Of The Time

Thomas Mathew writes from the City of London: Have you heard the great news? (Mind you, I’m saying this in a sarcastic sort of way.) The Bank of England (BoE) has decided to inject another 50 billion smackers – yes 50 billion – of electronically generated new money into the markets to – wait for it – keep the British economy afloat. Yep, the boys and girls from the Monetary Policy Committee of the BoE have great faith in the so-called ‘quantitative easing’ that is all about flooding the markets with cash and buying Treasury IOUs from banks at a good price, in the expectation that these banks will then pass on the money to struggling businesses and individuals. In the past three years the BoE has already injected £275 billion of new money into the banking community and... 

60 Years Of The Queen On The Throne: Not That Much To Celebrate Really

February 6, 2012

60 Years Of The Queen On The Throne: Not That Much To Celebrate Really

Adam Lovejoy reports from Windsor: So, the big day has finally arrived: the Queen is celebrating 60 years on the throne – exactly to the day. No mean feat, considering the times we live in and the lack of support from her family and the slimy politicians, who were mostly working against her while playing their own nasty games. And not forgetting the stupidity and incompetence of palace courtiers, who let’s face it, managed to get it wrong practically all the time, coming up with the most ridiculous advice. Since the 1980s the republicans launched a massive attack on the Queen, using every opportunity to ridicule and belittle her, doing their best to undermine the whole principle of the monarchy itself. They used Princes Diana, a pretty but not very bright thing, to blow the Royal Family... 

The Scottish Independence Movement Is Great News For England

January 15, 2012

The Scottish Independence Movement Is Great News For England

Martin McCauley writes from Edinburgh: These are heady days for Bonnie Scotland. Alex Salmond, the First Minister, is the cleverest politician in the United Kingdom. No wonder his party, The Scottish National Party (SNP), won a clear majority in the parliamentary elections of 2010. In so doing it trounced Labour that  had come to believe that it was the natural governing party north of the border. Now that was not supposed to happen. Scottish devolution was couched in such arcane terms that no party was ever supposed to win a majority. The SNP blew Tony Blair’s calculations sky high. Mr Salmond has decided that the referendum on Scottish independence will take place in 2014. David Cameron and the Tory grandees are outraged. How could the Scots prefer Edinburgh rule to London rule? They... 

Dave Goes All Tough On Europe. Now Why Would He Do That?

December 31, 2011

Dave Goes All Tough On Europe. Now Why Would He Do That?

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: A lot of stupid things have been said and written about Prime Minister David Cameron and his supposedly tough stance on Europe, as in Dave goes to Brussels to attend a European Union summit and vetoes, yes, vetoes the new a treaty that would allow closer financial integration to solve the Eurozone debt crisis. All the easily excitable right-wingers went berserk, praising PM Cameron for standing up for British national interests. There was even talk about Britain leaving the hated EU. Some hot heads lost it completely, pointing out that Dave was finally showing his true Tory colours. And, responding to this idiocy, the great man himself announced a crusade for Christian values, as if desperate to prove that he was moving to the right faster than you can say the... 

Are The Campers Outside St Paul’s Taking The Piss? Yep, Literally

December 17, 2011

Are The Campers Outside St Paul’s Taking The Piss? Yep, Literally

Ben Delicious writes from outside St Paul’s Cathedral in London: Are the campers outside St Paul’s Cathedral, who are claiming that they are protesting against the injustices of capitalism, taking the piss? Yep, that’s exactly what they’re doing – literally in many cases. For more than sixty days these lowlifes, who have the nerve to claim that they are actually legitimate protesters, have been basking in publicity, supported by all sorts of left-wingers and idiot hacks. The lefties are obviously happy to see several hundred scumbags making life hell for Christian worshippers at the biggest cathedral in Britain. Already attendance of the services dropped by 40 per cent and dozens of school trips have been cancelled not to mention that donations have dropped by half, with tourists... 

Any Day Now Katie’s Going To Reveal Her Favourite Charities

December 14, 2011

Any Day Now Katie’s Going To Reveal Her Favourite Charities

R.F.Wilson writes from London: The suspense is becoming unbearable: the Duchess of Cambridge is about to announce a list of charities that she will officially promote. The guessing game that has continued for several months would finally be over in a week or two. Probably. Sources, who say they know things, tell Stirring Trouble that Kate Middleton, known around in royal circles as ‘sharp Katie’, is planning to undertake her first solo public engagement next year and it would be linked to one of the charities that she would be a patron of. Allegedly. The big event is planned for the time when Prince William would be away on a 6-week mission to the Falklands, or at least that is what he’s told his wife he’d be doing. The Duchess would obviously struggle to find what to do while he’s... 

Nick Clegg Contemplates A Career As A Circus Clown. Being A Natural And All That

December 13, 2011

Nick Clegg Contemplates A Career As A Circus Clown. Being A Natural And All That

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: Every left-winger, so that you know, secretly dreams of turning into a right-winger, but is terrified of the intellectual challenge. When you’re on the left, you see, you don’t really need to test you grey matter that much, having all the answers to all the questions, even if they are all wrong answers. But once you move to the right, well, doubts start creeping in and difficult choices beckon, forcing you to start using your brain a lot. And that’s tough for any leftie Just thought I’d say this before moving to the main subject. Have you heard? Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister without a portfolio – no one still knows what it is that he is actually doing – is considering a career as a circus clown. He’s a natural, so no training or preparation... 

Bash In Durban Ends. But The Great Climate Change Scam Rolls On

December 12, 2011

Bash In Durban Ends. But The Great Climate Change Scam Rolls On

Martin McCauley writes from Durban: So, another jamboree on climate change is over. It rolled on for an extra 36 hours, but little was actually agreed. Apart from taking a principled decision on having better food and booze served at the next gathering. There were the usual honeyed words about saving the planet for our children and grandchildren. Passionate words were said about the world getting warmer, the seas rising and life becoming more hazardous for everyone. The problem is, though, that the science available is not precise enough to draw conclusions about what the climate will be like in 20 or 50 years. Yet there’s a very vocal group of scientists who will tell you that the world will be 4° Celsius hotter in the near future. They tolerate no opposition. If a scientist queries... 

Part Eleven of Tony Blair’s ‘Dictated’ Memoirs

December 12, 2011

Part Eleven of Tony Blair’s ‘Dictated’ Memoirs

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: Today we present another instalment of our parody on Tony Blair’s memoirs that he had ‘dictated’ to his aides, before it became a book. This chapter in the original is called 9/11: Shoulder To Shoulder, whereas in our exciting ‘dictated version’ it’s called 9/11, And My Huge Respect For Islam. I have to tell you that initially we had our doubts about this part of the book, considering the nature of events described in it. But after glancing through the chapter in the book we decided we simply couldn’t leave it out. And we didn’t. So here goes: It is amazing how quickly shock is absorbed and the natural rhythm of the human spirit reasserts itself… Why are you all frowning? This is a very important chapter. I’ll be telling about my outstanding... 

Part Ten Of Tony Blair’s ‘Dictated’ Memoirs

December 11, 2011

Part Ten Of Tony Blair’s ‘Dictated’ Memoirs

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: It’s that time again, people. We present another instalment of Tony Blair’s ‘dictated’ version of his memoirs. In the original this chapter is called Managing Crises, but it goes under the title, Managing Britain: Me And The Ordinaries, in our imaginary version: I left for a holiday at the end of July with the focus on public service reform. I came back at the end of August and found naturally that the focus had shifted to the thought that an election could be anticipated in May 2001; this was the run-up… What, you think it’s a boring opening for a chapter? Look, like all great politicians of my time I’m allowed to be boring. So this opening stays. In fact, I want the whole opening paragraph to be in the same seriously boring style,... 

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