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A Cynical Look At Life In Britain. And The Stiff Upper Lip

Adam Lovejoy writes: It can only happen in Britain: the government bankrupts the country to the tune of £2 trillion and no one pretty much says a word. Everyone is too busy, melting their plastic and struggling to pay off their growing debts, to notice such trifles as going bust on a national level. Very British this, very stiff upper lip. With collagen added. And how about being taken for a ride by the Labour government and its chums in Brussels with that Lisbon treaty? It just beggars belief that the British people, who have an instinctive revulsion for everything that is linked to the EU, sleepwalked into the trap and allowed Brown&Co to sell them down the river. Who on earth believes that the Lisbon treaty is in any way different from the previous constitution that had been rightly... 

From Now On The Met Office Will Express Doubt About Its Own Forecasts

Adam Lovejoy writes: The British Met Office, that fine body of men and women, who have been making bold predictions about the weather in the past, including that great gag with global warming, has announced that it is going to express serious doubts about its own forecasts from now on. According to Lesley Unassuming, director of entertainment at the Met Office, in the future the MO, as it’s  known among professionals, will only forecast the weather for the next day, but warn people that it might not be the case at all. ‘We will be saying, for example, that it’ll be pissing with rain the next day, but voice doubts that it might not be the case at all and that it might actually be sunny’, Mr Unassuming said. ‘We won’t be making any more long-term forecasts and on some occasions... 

Who Cares About Elvis Or Who Killed John Kennedy? Aliens Are Running Things Here

Robert Henry writes: Do I know anything about conspiracy theories? I most certainly don’t. I do know other things, though, like that a tomato is a fruit and not a vegetable, that two aeroplanes cannot knock down two skyscrapers and that politicians lie every time they open their mouths. As for aliens landing on Earth and posing as humans (Stephen Spielberg is a suspected case) or banks controlling the whole world and plotting against people, I can only speculate about such things, given the vast amounts of drivel flying about on the web. Although, come to think of it, I did meet a weird bloke in a pub recently, who called himself Thomas something. He told me that he was an alien, posing as an Irishman, who was sent here to oversee a plot by the Labour party to take over the country for the... 

TV Debates Between Party Leaders Will Include Product Placements

Adam Lovejoy writes: Leaked documents, made available to Stirring Trouble, reveal that the forthcoming TV debates between the leaders of the three main political parties in Britain – Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg – would feature product placements and blatant advertising, to boost the election war chests of all the participants. The first of the TV debates would be broadcast by the BBC and involve hidden promotions, as the publicly funded broadcaster is not officially allowed to show ads, although, of course, it does, making the Corporation’ directors some one of the wealthiest people in the world. The three party leaders have been advised to wear garments, with clearly visible brand logos on them, that would picked out by TV cameras. A voiceover would say things like:... 

Political Weather Forecasts. A New Rage In Britain?

Dan Majestic writes: What if in the run up to the general election the weather forecasts in Britain would start to include descriptions of political clashes between the three major parties: Labour, Conservatives and Liberal Democrats? ‘With the election coming nearer,’ a pretty young thing would tell viewers excitedly on ITV, ‘gales of political correctness are expected to hit most parts of Britain, accompanied by heavy downpours of PC in marginal seats, with all three major parties saying that racism and homophobia are very bad, equal rights are good, welfare is sacred, cutting of public services is unacceptable, marriage is the founding stone of society and blah, blah blah… ‘In the South and South East,’ ‘the young pretty thing on ITV would continue, ‘sunny periods are expected,... 

Gordon Brown Will Face Tough Questions When He Appears Before The Chilcot Inquiry

R.F.Wilson writes: Stop the presses! Stirring Trouble has obtained a leaked copy of the transcript of the opening questions and answers during Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s forthcoming appearance, on March 5, before the Chilcot inquiry into the war in Iraq. This document reveals the questions and answers that will feature during the first session of the hearings. It appears that Mr Brown and members of the panel will have the transcripts in front of them, so that the hearings seem natural and off the cuff. Sir John Chilcot: Prime Minister, we are deeply honoured to have you here today as a witness. You could have chosen to avoid this hearing, but you took the bold step of coming here and submitting yourself to our relentless questioning. PMB: That’s the sort of man I am, Mr Chairman: truthful,... 

Police Warn Britons Against Approaching Dangerous Criminals. But All In Vain

R.F.Wilson writes: Every time a dangerous criminal goes on the run in Britain Scotland Yard warns the public not to approach him. But as the news spreads about escaped armed robbers, rapists and murderers, thousands of people across the land start to experince a burning desire to approach them. Crowds of men, women and children search the streets of town and cities, hoping to stumble on the criminals on the run. One resident of Leeds, Barry Busty, told journalists recently: ‘Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to approach a criminal on the run and look him in the eyes. But I never seem to find a criminal on the run to approach.’ The Jenkins – Bobby, Lynda and Tommy – who are on benefit and live in a mansion in Leeds, search for criminals on the run every time Scotland Yard... 

Labour Chooses The American Way. With Jackie Wilson’s Song

Martin McCauley writes: Well, there you have it, we now know what Labour’s main tune would be during the election campaign: the song (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher, by Jackie Wilson.That was the track that was played yesterday, on Gordon Brown entering the hall in Coventry to deliver his message to Britain, the gist of which was: Trust me, I know things. Mr Brown was impressive and did a President Obama by reading from two teleprompters, discreetly positioned in front of him.  The speech went very well and got loads of coverage, with everyone being very impressed by the song that was played when the PM walked into the room, smiling broadly. ‘Your lo-o-o-ve keeps lifting meee hi-i-igher…’ Few people, though, knew how much work went into this slick presentation.... 

Gordon Brown Plans To Have Cosmetic Surgery. To Be Able To Weep At A Drop Of A Hat

Dan Majestic writes: Rumours abound that Prime Minister Gordon Brown is planning to have cosmetic surgery to install two weepy implants in his eye sockets so that he can start crying any time he feels like it. Boistered by the huge success of his recent TV interview, in which he wept over the death of his baby daughter in 2002, Mr Brown is said to be keen to continue this charm offensive on the British public, especially as the general election is getting closer by the day. The PM is hoping that his weepy implants would allow him to cry when he talks about the British soldiers who are dying in Afghanistan, about the old people generally and, of course, about starving children in Africa and natural disasters in other distant places. Downing Street advisors are convinced that Mr Brown can score... 

New Book Reveals That Gordon Brown Shot At His Aides From A Machine Gun

R.F.Wilson writes: Astonishing new revelations about Prime Minister Gordon Brown have been made in a new book written by a former Labour spin doctor, who goes under the pseudonym Luke Potty, or LP for short. The author, who currently works as a househusband, quotes anonymous sources who vouched to have seen Mr Brown down a bottle of cheap Scotch one morning, before breakfast, and then run along the corridors of 10 Downing Street, in his jimjams, giving everyone his creepy smile.LP describes in vivid detail how the PM once burst into the cabinet room, wearing skimpy knickers, trunks, stocking, suspenders and a bra, screaming obscenities at the top of his voice for several minutes. It was only after he had realised that there was no one there to hear him that he got on the phone and called several... 

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Previous posts

• The Cold War Is Back. But It Not As We Knew It
• More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team.
• Is There Any Point In Dieting? Nope, None At All
• Winning Hearts And Minds In Afghanistan. Even When They’re Detached From The Bodies
• President Ahmadinejad Reveals Iran’s Official Policy
• A Cynical Look At Life In Britain. And The Stiff Upper Lip
• As The British Press Sells Its Soul To The Devil, We Go Behind The Scenes Of One Newspaper
• From Now On The Met Office Will Express Doubt About Its Own Forecasts
• Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team
• Live Coverage Of The Oscars Proves A Huge Hit. With Dozens Of People
• More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team
• Mossad Is Thinking Of Going Public. As A Plc
• Who Cares About Elvis Or Who Killed John Kennedy? Aliens Are Running Things Here
• TV Debates Between Party Leaders Will Include Product Placements
• Band Aid: Sir Bob And Friends Do Some Soul Searching
• More Breaking News. From The StirringTrouble Team
• President Zuma: The Man With The Plan
• The New Rich Have No Style, No Class, No Taste. No Anything
• Pearls Of Wisdom: From The Sirring Trouble Team
• About One Pine Tree. And Global Warming Written All Over It
• More Breaking News Items. From The Stirring Trouble Team
• BBC Cuts Costs: It’s Taking The Piss, But Not As We Know It
• A Case Of One Madman Blowing All The Money
• More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team
• Climate Change Myth Is Causing Panic. Even Among Climate Change Biggest Fans
• Political Correctness Is Dangerous For Your Health, Study Shows
• Binge Drinking: Who Says It Ain’t Cool?
• Political Weather Forecasts. A New Rage In Britain?
• White House Looks For A Quick Fix. And Finds It
• More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

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