What Tiger Could Have Said To The World. But Didn’t
February 25, 2010
Anton Goryunov writes: If you were like me, gripped with excitement while listening recently to Tiger Woods talk about his infidelity and apologising for sleeping around like a horny rabbit, you would probably be interested to know that the greatest living athlete had two drafts of his speech written for him in advance. And today I can reveal the rejected text. Hi there, people! I’m stud, you see. I didn’t take steroids, like many other athletes did, and that is why I was horny all the time. I sometimes had an erection all day and was forced to wear baggy trousers to hide it or miss tournaments altogether. I played hard and I played hard. That is to say, I gave my all to golf and I had to unwind afterwards to relax. Just like Bill Clinton did when he was President and would smoke a cigar...
Totally Irrelevant Commentary Deemed Important For English Football
February 13, 2010
Adam Lovejoy writes: The Football Association has acknowledged at its latest meeting in Barbados that irrelevant comments by football managers, players and pundits are crucial for the future development of the beautiful game. Such nuggets of wisdom coming from managers as: ‘We played well and they played well’; ‘We started well in the first half but then lost pace in the second’; ‘We played a great game of football, but were unlucky’; ‘The ref’s decisions went against us’ are seen by the FA as part and parcel of English football.Players and managers will be encouraged in the future to continue avoiding any complicated lingo that might confuse or even frighten off fans with poor or no command of their native tongue. Stating the bleeding obvious will be considered...
Imagine A Live Commentary On The Radio. About People Having Sex
February 12, 2010
Today we imagine how a live radio commentary about people having sex might sound on the airwaves. First Commentator (FC): Well, John, the big day has arrived. Freddy has finally found the strength and enthusiasm to satisfy his wife, Lucy, after a relatively uneventful start to their mating season. Second Commentator (SC): Yes, Ben, it hasn’t been a very good start to Freddy’s season. He’s been uninspiring in foreplay and his attacking patterns lacked enthusiasm and determination. FC: Totally agree with you on that, John, and I expect many of Freddy’s fans think exactly the same as you, because they want to hear about some real action in the bedroom, about exciting new moves and positions, and they want to hear about dedication, strength of performance, deep moans...
Football Fans Devastated By News Of John Terry’s Infidelity. He Let Us All Down, They Say
January 31, 2010
Adam Lovejoy writes: Millions of football fans across England are trying to come to terms with the revelation that their idol, Chelsea and national squad captain, John Terry, has been shagging a lingerie model behind his wife’s back. What they find even harder to stomach is that the bird in question was the then ex-WAG of Terry’s former Chelsea mate and drinking buddy, Wayne Bridge.‘It’s heart breaking, innit,’ was the response of several thousand Chelsea fans, as they gathered at Stanford Bridge to hold a vigil in memory of Terry’s reputation as a devout family man and a great dad to his two kids. Speaker after speaker pointed out at the importance of not confusing Stanford Bridge with Wayne Bridge, saying that one was a stadium and the other a midfielder....
The English Premiership Wonderland: Of Players Going Missing In January
December 30, 2009
Alex Nekrassov writes: The English Premiership is a strange place. Words are often said that are meaningless, but are still eagerly picked up by everyone and discussed with vigour and excitement, as if they really stand for something. Teams and managers are praised, even though with all that money thrown at them they could have performed much better.And it gets worse. This is the time of year which managers of top Premiership clubs dread. It all has to do with the bi-annual African Cup of Nations tournament, with Africa’s best footballers from all around the world deserting their clubs. 16 nations from the continent will take part in the month-long tournament, between January 10 and 31 in 2010 in Angola. Typically, in the English Premiership and out of the top four clubs, the team which...
The Tiger Woods Drama. Burning Questions Arise
December 4, 2009
Dan Majestic writes: As the world of sport and masses of fans mourn the reputation of the once squeaky clean living sporting legend, golfer turned serial adulterer, Tiger Woods, StirringTroubleInternationally poses hard-hitting questions that seem to mount as the whole saga sinks into the collective imagination. How about this for example: will more women come forward in America and in other countries, in which Tiger was filling those holes with his balls in recent years, to confess to having had sexual relations with the handsome billionaire? Are we talking dozens or hundreds of women here? And what about females who will strenuously deny ever having sex with Tiger? We might be into hundreds of thousands of women in this case. Imagine, every week we would have at least several thousand females...
What’s All The Fuss With Thierry Henry’s Handball? All Footballers Cheat
November 23, 2009
R.F.Wilson writes: Pardon me for not joining the indignation brigade that has been busy screaming their heads off, demanding a replay of that supposedly ‘fateful’ World Cup qualifying match between France and Irealnd because Theirry Henry had helped to score the decisive goal in injury time with a skilful hand gesture. And let me also discard the preposterous suggestion that the disputed goal supposedly put the integrity of the beautiful game into doubt. I will start with this: what exactly do they find beautiful in the game? The beauty has all but gone a long time ago, especially from the international matches. National teams now consist of overpaid players, who have multi-million contract obligations with their clubs and sponsors that overshadow any other commitments. Let me...
England’s Latest Friendly Shows The Perilous Task Ahead For Capello
November 16, 2009
Alex Nekrassov writes: You would be forgiven for thinking that England’s recent 1-0 defeat in a friendly to Brazil in Doha, Qatar, was not a big deal in the bigger scheme of things. After all, the 11 that England put out featured only two or three ‘regulars’ and the World Cup finals are still a good eight months away. While the result did not matter, of course, the manner in which the English players were turned over by the Samba boys will worry manager Fabio Capello. Notwithstanding all of Capello’s good work with the team over the last couple of years (the qualifying campaign for the World Cup was close to flawless), the biggest concern for England fans will be that, as in the past, the national team just cannot deliver when playing against the very best. At the...
English Premiership: Do Not Write Liverpool Off Just Yet
November 13, 2009
Alex Nekrassov writes: Liverpool FC have made their worst start in a league campaign for over 40 years. Rafael Benitez, Liverpool’s Spanish manager, is under the cosh and, if rumours are true, is just a couple of games away from the sack. The team has lost 5 of their first opening 12 games and, if it not for Liverpool striker’s David Ngog’s blatant dive against Birmingham City that won the Reds a penalty, successfully converted by Steven Gerrard to bring the score to 2-2, it would have been six. You would be forgiven for thinking that when Liverpool had beaten Manchester United 2-0 at Anfield a few weeks ago, their fortunes were about to turn. Unfortunately for the Reds, it was not to be. Immediately after overhauling Man U, Liverpool were beaten, convincingly, 3-1 by Fulham...
Stan Kroenke Is In Pole Position For Arsenal’s Takeover
November 6, 2009
Alex Nekrassov writes: It appears that the uncertainty surrounding the next owner of Arsenal Football Club is about to come to an end. American business tycoon, Stan Kroenke, has raised his stake just short of the 29.99 percent threshold beyond which he would be forced to launch a takeover bid.While the club’s move into foreign ownership might worry some fans in England, the reality is that the club will be in much better hands under Kroenke than Alisher Usmanov, the other billionaire, from Uzbekistan, who too was in the running to buy the club. Mr Usmanov’s murky past, coupled with his close relationship with ousted former vice-chairman of Arsenal, David Dein, who sold his shares to Usmanov and fell out spectacularly with the Arsenal board, meant that any bid launched by the Uzbek...
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