The Taxpayer Funded Search For Madeleine McCann Continues

February 5, 2012

The Taxpayer Funded Search For Madeleine McCann Continues

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: In case you’re wondering, the police investigation of the initial investigation of the disappearance of Madeleine McCann is in full swing. 30 detectives from Scotland Yard have been on the case since last May, compliments of big hearted Prime Minister David Cameron, and the bill to the taxpayer for this period is expected to reach nearly £2 million soon. The British detectives have been jetting to Algarve in Portugal, where the little girl had disappeared in May 2007, analysing every piece of evidence that their Portuguese colleagues and private investigators had collected. They have also visited Spain, and who can blame them, investigating reports that Madeleine may have been smuggled there by shady people traffickers. Nothing has yet come out of this exercise,... 

Making A Case That Space Exploration Sucks

February 3, 2012

Making A Case That Space Exploration Sucks

R.F.Wilson writes from London: How come anyone who talks about aliens and other civilizations that supposedly populate distant planets are always taken so seriously? Did they ever offer any proof that alien life exists? No, they didn’t. And did any benefits come from that endless search for other forms of life and space exploration as a whole? None at all, although the money spent could have been used on something more worthwhile. Like learning to predict the weather correctly, for the next day at least. Which brings me to Professor Stephen Hawkings and his regular rumblings on aliens. Everyone seems to be under the impression that Mr Hawkins knows something that no one else does, having written several books on space that no one has yet managed to read to the end. Why is he supposedly an... 

Ever Thought Of Becoming A Baby Pacifier Or A Feel-Good-About-Yourself Angel?

February 1, 2012

Ever Thought Of Becoming A Baby Pacifier Or A Feel-Good-About-Yourself Angel?

Ted Obvious writes from London: Bored with being a benefit cheat? Looking for an exciting new job? Then look no further: become a baby pacifier, working at some of the best restaurants in London, or a feel-good-about-yourself angel, comforting ugly looking people with deep pockets. Let me explain. Imagine a situation: customers at a fancy eatery are enjoying themselves, having great food and wine, engulfed in conversation, or talking on the mobile while eating, and then a couple appears with a baby in a cot, settling down, with the pesky child starting to cry endlessly. Naturally, the customers feel deprived and awkward, having their meal interrupted. Some babies can cry endlessly, you know, make making all sorts of disgusting gurgling noises ad even choking on their saliva. This is a job for... 

Fashion For Men Over 40: The Deal Is To Avoid Looking Like An Idiot

January 22, 2012

Fashion For Men Over 40: The Deal Is To Avoid Looking Like An Idiot

Adam Lovejoy writes from Paris: Let’s get one thing straight: before men hit forty they can wear pretty much anything they want and not be afraid of looking like total idiots. Especially as men’s fashion over the past several decades has been proving that it likes its followers to look like retards. But it’s one thing when you come across as an idiot when you’re in your twenties and thirties and it’s a totally different matter when you get older. So, with this in mind we present a few suggestions for men of a mature disposition, so to speak, with some younger males hopefully picking up a thing or two as well. The first thing to keep in mind is not to be seen as trying too hard to impress people around by your wardrobe, even if you’re a keen sharp dresser and like to be seen as,... 

Do Chicks Have Tattoos Done As A Cry For Help Or To Attract Easily Excitable Males?

January 18, 2012

Do Chicks Have Tattoos Done As A Cry For Help Or To Attract Easily Excitable Males?

Ben Delicious writes from London: Why do chicks have tattoos done? Especially on the backs of their necks and just above their derrieres? I mean, they can’t even see those works of savage art themselves, can they? So it means they are designed for other people, males, presumably, who would get double the fun when they assume a certain position that the Kama Sutra manual refers to as the ‘doggy style’. It’s beyond me why women would follow the example of some men, who like to embroidered their bodies with badly made drawings or comments and observations about life in general. But how does that exactly works for chicks? Don’t they understand that with every tattoo they make their appeal in the eyes of men go down a notch or two? Or are they crying out for help in the hope that someone... 

Keeping Your Sanity Intact. In The Age Of Useless Gadgetry

January 18, 2012

Keeping Your Sanity Intact. In The Age Of Useless Gadgetry

Anton Goryunov writes from Moscow: In case you haven’t noticed, in the last couple of decades or so science has been dragging mankind backwards, not pushing it forwards, with its obsession with stupid inventions and constant upgrading of useless gadgets that turned many people into zombies. Take mobile phones that have over the years become not just means of communication but portable entertainment centres, games consoles and all those other things that phones should basically not be. As a result, we now have people who are totally hooked on these pesky gadgets, with hundreds of functions in them that no one really needs. It’s now become like a disease, this craze surrounding mobiles, with people talking on them most of the time for the sake of doing something, or waiting for somebody to... 

Of Alien Life Forms And Fans Of Obscure Pop Bands

January 16, 2012

Of Alien Life Forms And Fans Of Obscure Pop Bands

Ted Obvious writes from Greenwich: But of course there must be other life forms out there somewhere, zillions of light miles away from us, maybe even very similar looking to us. How could it be that with millions of planets and stars out there no one would be inhabiting them? It’s just doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s roughly the sort of stuff I usually hear from keen enthusiasts of space exploration and the endless search for alien life. They are usually also fans of Star Trek, Star Wars and Space Odyssey and great admirers of films like ET, Alien, the full bloody trilogy, and other rubbish involving space ships, distant galaxies and odd looking aliens. These people often have an odd glare in their eyes when they talk about life on other planets, just like fans of obscure pop... 

Making A Few Points About Women’s Fashion. That Chicks Won’t Like To Hear

January 14, 2012

Making A Few Points About Women’s Fashion. That Chicks Won’t Like To Hear

Ben Delicious writes from Paris: It’s time to call a spade a spade, people, and say a few words about women’s fashion that women won’t like very much. In fact, they’ll probably go apeshit and accuse me of infringing on their rights and all that other rubbish that feminists – broads with creaky vaginas that have not seen any sexual activity for decades – like to drag out into the open when they don’t like something. Anyway, today’s women’s fashion makes a lot of them look like sluts. Yep, that’s how many of you, girls, look when you put on those super tight low-cut jeans, with your underwear sticking out, or those leggings that look like stockings. Couple that with a skimpy blouse that lets your boobs say, ‘Hello, great big world!’, with bra straps showing, and... 

How To Take Advantage Of Political Correctness To Boost Your Prospects

January 11, 2012

How To Take Advantage Of Political Correctness To Boost Your Prospects

Ted Obvious writes from London: Now that political correctness has become a religion for so many people, who tend to rush to each other’s help the moment they see their comrades getting into trouble – Diane Abbott racist remarks about white people is the most recent case – it’s  time to look at some of the ways of taking advantage of PC to boost your career prospects, make some good money and generally improve your standing. How about becoming obsessively passionate about human rights, to get noticed by the politically correct fraternity? Even though human rights nowadays mostly benefit people, who are on the wrong side of the law or who indulge themselves in terrorism and all sorts of perverse activities with minors, it is still a major pillar of the concept of PC. So... 

Research Shows Men Object Most To Bad Acting And Weak Story Lines In Porn

December 30, 2011

Research Shows Men Object Most To Bad Acting And Weak Story Lines In Porn

Ben Delicious writes from London: Sensational new research reveals that the majority of men who devote a lot of their time to watching porn object most of all to the bad acting and weak story lines in porn films, forcing them to use women’s lingerie catalogues and sex manuals that are very often just too heavy to hold in one hand for extended periods of time. More than two thirds of the respondents, who took part in the survey conducted by the University of Dulwich-on-the-Thames, complained that bad acting in porn films is a major turn off for them. ‘Who needs to look at hot chicks with huge jugs, getting it off with some blokes with bulging muscles and enormous dicks, when there’s no proper acting involved,’ one of the respondents, Sam Bendit , told researchers. ‘Where’s the drama... 

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