The Indian Dream Is Turning Into A Nightmare

December 18, 2011

The Indian Dream Is Turning Into A Nightmare

Martin McCauley writes from New Delhi: Everything is going pear shaped in India at present. A few years ago it appeared that India would beat China in the race to become Asia’s superpower. Michelle Obama sat in the Tata Nano car in Mumbai and hailed it as the vehicle which would launch a transport revolution in the sub-continent. Despite this accolade the car has not taken off because it has an alarming propensity to burst into flames. This serves as a metaphor for the Indian economy. What is wrong? Why is India not realising its dreams? In a country of about 1.2 billion, 7 per cent annual growth is imperative to create the 13 million jobs needed to employ newcomers to the labour market. Recently India enjoyed 9 per cent growth but at present it is below 7 per cent and falling. Below 6 per... 

Start Scamming To Beat Inflation

November 30, 2011

Start Scamming To Beat Inflation

Mata Hurry writes from New Delhi: Let’s be clear: if you’re a regular law-abiding citizen you will be mauled by inflation and within a year or so you will be bankrupted by rising prices and high taxes. Inflation in India was in double digits last week and is expected to linger in high single or double digits in the months ahead. The Indian Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee blithely assures us that inflation will fall to 6 per cent levels in March. Trouble is he never defines the year when the inflation rate will supposedly fall. Especially as the GDP growth is sliding and the fiscal deficit is ballooning, thanks to profligate spending on boondoggle social security schemes by the government. Exports have slumped, the rupee is falling against the dollar and of course unemployment is rising.... 

Here’s A Piece Of Advice: Give Others Gifts That You’d Want To Receive Yourself

October 31, 2011

Here’s A Piece Of Advice: Give Others Gifts That You’d Want To Receive Yourself

Mata Hurry writes from New Delhi: The celebrations of Diwali, the Festival Of Lights, are over. This popular annual event in India marks the triumph of good over evil, unlike Halloween in the West, and is accompanied by a shopping frenzy, inordinate eating and wanton gift giving. This last part involving presents I would like to dwell on in more detail, if you don’t mind. Fruits, sweets, chocolates and biscuits are perfectly acceptable as gifts, as you would eat them anyway, or treat you friends to them. But who needs some useless plastic dolls or gadgets that break the next day? Clearly, the fine tradition in the West to buy loads of useless ‘goodies’ at Christmas and New Year and present them to others has spread to India. People here seem to forget the important principle that you... 

TV Business News And The B.R.I.C.S Effect It Produces

October 13, 2011

TV Business News And The B.R.I.C.S Effect It Produces

Mata Hurry writes from New Delhi: If you’re keen on committing suicide, like doing a hara-kiri or overdosing, one way to encourage you to speed up the process is to watch the TV business news channels. The rest of you, who have an overwhelming desire to live, would be warned against watching the aforementioned networks. Have you ever watched an Indian business news TV channel during trading hours? Thousands of bits of data pour out of the screen every second: stock tickers flashing stock prices, index quotes of India’s two local stock exchanges, the Nifty and the Sensex, a languorous anchor spewing some bilge that is entirely incomprehensible. The torrent of news for hours together will shock you into a state of numbed stupor and transform you into a gibbering nervous wreck. To trade successfully... 

Of Indian Cricket Heroes Plugging Booze

September 23, 2011

Of Indian Cricket Heroes Plugging Booze

Kowligi of Mindry.in writes from Bangalore: Indian off-spinner Harbhajan Singh’s mother sued liquor baron Vijay Mallya for what Indian cricket captain Mahendar Singh Dhoni was paid to say to promote a certain brand of whisky. He said, if you’re curious to know, that’s it’s always better to have a double than a single when you’re drinking the stuff. And along the way made fun of Singh, who was plugging a different brand of booze. And now I’d like to dwell on different angles to this whole exciting story. 1. Harbhajan’s Mum has no effing problem with beta  (sonny boy) selling booze to kids!! Dear Madam, what the heck is wrong with you? Why aren’t you smacking bhajji on his backside for helping to promote booze? Didn’t your own mother teach you anything?... 

Hundreds of Third World Vampires Anaemic – UN Report

September 21, 2011

Hundreds of Third World Vampires Anaemic – UN Report

Kowligi of Mindry.in writes from Bangalore: One month away from the debut of the predictable super-hit, Eclipse, a UN report sponsored by satire troupe Mindry.in paints a dismal state of affairs for a significant majority of the world’s vampires. Most vampires in the developing world, the report points out, do not have access to basic necessities, like fresh healthy human blood, or even a sturdy cript to slumber in during daytime. ‘It’s quite depressing to watch these huge blockbusters like Twilight and New Moon and then confront reality,’ said Ramesh Tepis, an activist of the Non Goth Organization B+. ‘In Sub Saharan Africa two out of three vampires die, not because of a respectable stake through the heart but of simple starvation. Little children there are either... 

The F.A.R.T Syndrome. And It’s Not What You’re Thinking

September 19, 2011

The F.A.R.T Syndrome. And It’s Not What You’re Thinking

Mata Hurry writes from New Delhi: Politicians of all shades and colours suffer from varied personality disorders: almost all are sociopathic, to a greater or lesser extent, and most male species suffer from SMS, or Stashing a Mistress Syndrome. And then there are those who are prone to the F.A.R.T syndrome: Fashionistas Always Reach the Top. Take Sarah Palin for example. Mrs Palin’s silly rants, coupled with her $150,000 wardrobe, attract reporters like moths to a flame. Take away the clothes and who knows, there might be no interest at all. And now look at British Prime Minister David Cameron and his deputy Nick Clegg, both clad in those nondescript suits of theirs. No one wants to know them outside Britain, and pretty much no one does. The whole Japanese government dresses in dour clothes.... 

SMS: A Scammers Marketing Syndicate?

July 12, 2011

SMS: A Scammers Marketing Syndicate?

Mata Hurry writes from New Delhi: Mobile phone users in India have for some time been snowed under with incessant marketing calls and text messages. But now the intermittent snowfall has turned into a blizzard. My ingenious stratagems to tackle these pesky callers haven’t really worked. I always croak in the best nonagenarian voice that I can feign, that I am 95 years plus, and horizontally inclined. Additionally, I declare that I’m bankrupt, disabled, and suffer from multiple terminal illnesses and I have no desire to purchase any health insurance, endure a chocolate and rose body massage at a spa, or open an equity trading account. But the callers always ignore my whines and protests. Clearly, they would seem to be either hearing impaired or certified medically deaf, since they persist... 

India Mourns The Death Of Sai Baba, Its Coolest Guru. Reincarnation Eagerly Awaited

April 25, 2011

India Mourns The Death Of Sai Baba, Its Coolest Guru. Reincarnation Eagerly Awaited

Anton Goryunov writes from New Delhi: Have you heard the terrible news? The greatest spiritual leader and the reincarnation of God, Sathya Sai Baba, is dead. Yes, dead. As God he let himself live for 82 years, leaving this world a young man basically. Big, big sorrow has erupted in the whole of India, so that you know. Even Sonia Ghandi, who rules the country from behind the scenes with an iron fist, has broken down in sorrow, according to people who know things. (Read more about her reaction to the passing away of Sai Baba further down in this piece.) By all accounts, Sai Baba was a cool dude, no offence to his followers who number about 30 million worldwide. He was known as a holy man, claiming that he was the incarnation of God. He had a cool John Lennon type of main slogan ‘Love All,...