But before I dwell on the subject, let me first run you through ‘dwarfgate’. It was sparked by a comment made during a recent meeting in London between Conservative leader, David Cameron, and the French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, with the former implying that the latter was ‘a f..king dwarf’. The French leader, who is known to be very touchy about his height, didn’t say anything at the time, but on return to his beloved Paris, he let his feeling known to his ministers, all shorties, and members of his staff, all vertically challenged. At some point, as sources in Paris say, the French were even considering breaking off diplomatic relations with Britain.

If you look closely at European leaders, you’ll find that most of them are very short. German Chancellor Angela Merkel, although a stunner and a great dresser, stands at only 5”5. Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, insists that he is 5”7, even though when he is photographed standing beside Ms Merkel he looks like her twin brother – or sister, if you are into that sort of kinky stuff.

The shortest of the lot in Europe is Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev, who measures 5”2. Mr Medvedev, though, is quite content with his height, as it allows his mentor and the real powerbroker in Russia, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, to tower above him with his impressive 5”4. Informed sources in Moscow say that Mr Medvedev had been selected for a one term presidency on the basis of his height, so that Mr Putin would look good when he stands against him for the position of the head of state in 2012, and wins.

Although some other European leaders are slightly taller than the lot mentioned above, like, for example, Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodrigez Zapatero, who stands at 6”1/2, the shorties don’t really invite them to their meetings and when they do, the show total contempt for them. Like it happens with British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, who stands at 5”10 when naked, but is considered a loser and a bit of a nutter by all vertically challenged European leaders.

Interestingly, the EU is also run by shorties: Jose Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission, stands at 5”5, and his colleague, European Council President, Herman Van Rompuy, is only slightly taller, but as he looks a bit like a village idiot, he seems to be even shorter than Mr Barroso. EU foreign policy chief, Baroness Ashton, a stunning woman and a fancy dresser, is a shortie as well, contributing nicely to the vertically challenged EU leadership.

If you look further down the field, as they say in politics, China’s two most powerful leaders, President Hu Jintao and Prime Minister Wen Jibao, are both short and dye their hair jet black, making them look very similar and confusing visiting foreign dignitaries. No wonder Mr Hu and Mr Wen are forced to wear name tags when they appear together. The current Japanese PM, whose name escapes everyone, is a shortie, just as leaders of both Koreas and the PM of India.

Although US President Barack Obama stands at 6”2, most of his closest advisers and ministers are absolutely tiny, often sitting on his lap when reporting to him. White House’s chief of staff Rahm ‘Madman’ Emanuel and Treasury Secretary, Tim Giethner, are technically midgets. Defence Secretary, Robert Gates, younger brother of Bill Gates, is so short that he sometimes has to jump up and shout – to get other people’s attention.

UN Secretary General, Ban Ki Moon, who is considered the second most powerful man in the world, after Hillary Clinton, stands at 5”3 and is a typical shortie. His height is roughly the same as Cuban President’s, Raul Castro, and that is why they like to hang out together, getting drunk and chasing broads.

But, most importantly of all, members of the secret government, the Bilderberg Group, who really decide what happens in the world, are all shorties, with some only managing to be 5”2 tall.

So it basically goes without saying that shorties are running things on our planet. And doing a terrible job of it.

– End –

Related posts:

1. President Nicolas Sarkozy Is Short. And He Can’t Get Over It
2. A Cynical Glance At World Events. D-Day Celebrations And Crisis In Britain Included
3. What If There Would Have Been A Beauty Pageant Of World Leaders?

I sometimes get a feeling that the Internet is one big con where nothing is what it seems. Just like Wall Street.

People often ask me: what can be fun for all the family? And I say: money laundering or tax evasion. Or running a protection racket.

Those who control the perception of the past rule in the present

Right-wing, left-wing, liberal, conservative, socialist: guys, if you don’t flush after you use the toilet I don’t care who you are.

If a bank makes billions on penalty charges then it’s not exactly a bank. It’s an extortion racket.

One day we’ll find out that Al Qaeda was a myth, invented by the CIA for getting more funding from Big Bro.

Conservatives in Britain: same old people, same old party, nothing new to offer. Can’t even kick out corrupt and incompetent Labour. Belgium anyone?

A politically correct film about the Iraq war, directed by a woman, wins an Oscar for best film. How very Hollywood.

In a perfect world makers of Avatar and other rubbish would have been prosecuted for peddling bad taste.

Every time I glance through new fiction politically correct messages jump at me from every page. Racism is bad, they say. Yeah, we know.

The end of the world has already happened. We just missed it.

Humour has become so left-wing biased that it’s not funny anymore. You can’t be biased and funny. That’s why all Hollywood’s comedies suck.

The Daily Telegraph played a shameful role in paralysing the British parliament at a time when bankers were ripping the country apart.

Butler Tom says he’s very controversial on his twitter blog. Says he mentions his bowel movement meticulously.

After 2000 years of Christianity that has turned Europe into the cradle of culture we now have idiots who want to return to paganism.

One of the worst inventions has to be the mobile phone. Now we are forced to hear lowlifes talk about their pathetic routines.

If you think about it, Social Media is just like porn. Only for the mind, or what’s left of it.

By relaxing rules on assisted suicide Britain is moving closer to becoming an unruly pagan state. Sodom and Gomorrah, here we come.

Tony Blair says he’s so popular outside Britain that during baby kissing sessions it the babies who kiss him.

Slick talking shifty eyed blokes calling themselves New Labour seize power in Britain. Populace still can’t get it.

Pop singer Mariah Carey looks like a waitress. And sings like one.

If you have a small dick and can’t get it up – you need an Austen Martin.

If you’re over 40 and you’re left-wing – you might want to seek medical help.

A word of advice to Dames Helen Mirren, Judy Dench and Maggie Smith: time to pack it in, girls. You look silly on screen.

Some writers and hacks are so vain that they have been known to masturbate watching themselves in the mirror.

In the latest issue of Born Brain Dead: Is Social Media Good For You? Yes, Yes, Yes!!! Plus: No Need To Wash Hands After Shitting.

I sometimes look at those ugly broads, pop stars, and realise they started singing because they couldn’t get laid.

So, all of you guys and girls who’ve had unprotected sex with strangers yesterday? Has the itching started already?

Lady Gaga would have been fun if she dressed weird but could sing and had a couple of good songs. But she can’t and she doesn’t.

– End –

Related posts:

1. Pearls Of Wisdom: From The Sirring Trouble Team
2. Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team.
3. Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Sir Trevor MacDonald: Sam, tell us something about Dave that we don’t know already.

Sam: Well, he wears a wig, but I suppose everyone knows that. Oh yes, he would sometimes come home late, smashed to pieces, after drinking with his mates, and do the most hilarious impersonations of his shadow cabinet. I mean, he would strip naked, pull a hygienic glove over his head and do a William Hague, including the silly voice and the stupid grin. Or he would put on shorts and do a George Osborne. Or he would put on a skirt and a blouse and impersonate Theresa May. I mean, I’d laugh till I’m wet. It would be so much fun.

TD: Do you fight a lot?

Sam: Yeah, we do actually. As part of our working out routine. Dave is hopeless in landing a punch. I duck them easily. But I sometimes put a right one into his smiling face. And he would bleed, a bit. He’s got no lips, you know, so he doesn’t bleed much. I mean, it’s all friendly like.

TM: What was the biggest surprise that Dave came up with?

Sam: Ooh, a tough question, Trevor. I’d say the biggest surprise he sprang on me recently was when he brought Peter Mandelson to our house and spent two and half hours talking to him in his study. When I later said, ‘Dave, darling, what’s with the Prince of Darkness?’, he said: ‘Don’t you fill that pretty head of yours with things that don’t concern you.’ He later said that it was something to do with ‘horse trading’. Still, I thought it was strange for Dave to bring a man into the house and spend two and half hours with him, locked in his study.

TM: Any other surprises that Dave came up with?

Sam: Well, he once gave me a cheque for £1 million that bounced. And he once said that if he ever becomes Prime Minister, he’ll be having an affair with a man, to boost his standing in the polls. Like Blair did.

TM: What sort of man is Dave around the house?

Sam: Dave has simple tastes. He watches television a lot and likes all the shows that poor people like. I have a list here: the X-Factor, Strictly Come Dancing, the Bill, Coronation Street, Eastenders…

TM: OK, OK, I get the message. What else does he like to do around the house?

Sam: He doesn’t like to watch porn on cable and spends a lot of time in front of the mirror, rehearsing his speeches. I mean, he’s a born politician. Well, sort of politician. And sometimes he likes to sit down with me and giggle. The way girls do, I mean.

TM: How is his relationship with Boris Johnson?

Sam: Oh they love each other to bits. I mean, they sometimes spend hours on the phone, talking about really important things, while I listen on the other line. And Dave would always joke about Boris plotting to become prime minister. And Boris would joke back, saying that of course he’s plotting to do that. And they would both laugh. Sort of.

TM: Do you help Dave to chose his suits and ties?

Sam: Oh yes. I sometimes dress him up in women’s clothes and say to him: ‘See, silly, how nice you look in a dress and high heels. Who don’t you go to the Commons like that? People will love you even more.’

TM: Would you say Dave is a good lover?

Sam: Depends what you mean by ‘a good lover’? I mean, he’s supposedly great in bed, but how would I know – I’m only his wife.

TM: Do you ever talk to Sarah Brown?

Sam. Can’t stand her. I mean with a backside like hers she should be staying at home more, like Alistair Darling’s wife. I mean, the calves alone are a disaster. Horrid, horrid woman…

TD: Did Dave ever take drugs?

Sam: I would like to answer this question by reading a statement prepared by our lawyers: ‘Every politician has the right for privacy…’

(Tape ends)

– End –

Related posts:

1. Livingstone Talks Dirty. Well, Sort Of
2. David Cameron Needs To Change His Advisers. They Are Obviously Working For The Other Side
3. David Cameron Needs To Change His Advisers. They Are Obviously Working For The Other Side

DLNC: People, as part of our policy to select candidates with different backgrounds we’ve just approved a porn film maker to stand as our candidate in Gravesham in Kent. Great looking chick. She went down well with our party activists. They loved her films and her open personality.

Voices: Let’s have more porn in politics! Let’s turn politics into porn!!!

DLNC: Calm down, calm down. I want to hear your ideas about people with other interesting backgrounds to stand for us. Talk to me.

Voice: How about selecting people who pee into other people’s teas and coffees when they aren’t looking? That’s a great background.

DLNC: Sounds controversial. But hey, we’re a party of controversy. Do you know anyone like that personally?

Voice: Well, to be honest, I do it myself, from time to time. But I’ve heard there were others like me.

DLNC: If you find anyone, tell us. Any other suggestions?

Voice: How about people who like to smell their socks?

DLNC: That’s very good. Sock sniffing is not banned by law – and anything that’s not banned by law is fine with us. Any people you know?

Voice: Yes, several actually.

DLNC: Good, give their details to our selection committee. Any more suggestions?

Voice: How about people who like to have sex with animals?

DLNC: Right – you’re talking about bestiality, aren’t you? Might be a bit too controversial for our supporters. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, mind you. But you know how old fashioned some people are – better skip this one for a while.

Voice: What if we get people who masturbate all the time? We can…

DLNC: I have to stop you here: we’re a party that appeals to a lot of wankers and we already have a lot of them in our midst. No point in getting more on board. Any other ideas?

Voice: How about people who like to expose themselves in public? You know, flashers?

DLNC: That’s a good one. If you know of any flashers pass their names to our selection committee. Hit me with some more suggestions, guys.

Voice: I propose that we select candidates from amongst fans of Doctor Who.

DLNC: They’re nutters, all of them. And they worship the devil.

Voice: What’s wrong with worshipping the devil?

DLNC: Nothing, nothing. Some of my best friends are devil worshippers. But Doctor Who fans are way over the top.

Voice: What about Christians? They are a minority and are always complaining that they don’t get any publicity?

DLNC: We don’t do God, as that great man, Alistair Campbell, once said. It clashes with our policies.

Voices: Next we’ll be having bishops and mullahs running as our candidates.

DLNC: Who else has any suggestions?

Voice: Paedophiles?

DLNC: Might be a wee bit exotic for voters. But do have a word with the selection committee – just in case.

Voice: How about asylum seekers?

DLNC: We’ve got two already, standing as candidates, but I don’t advise anyone to talk about it.

Voice: How about people who have no political leanings at all. They say whatever sounds right for the occasion?

DLNC: But that’s our party’s official election policy. We’d better stop here. We’ve got enough new ideas already. We’re on a winning streak. Who’s got any weed?

– End –

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1. Band Aid: Sir Bob And Friends Do Some Soul Searching
2. Mossad Is Thinking Of Going Public. As A Plc
3. BBC Cuts Costs: It’s Taking The Piss, But Not As We Know It

Have you seen that buffoon, Vice President Joe Biden, visiting Israel a couple of days ago? When he was meeting the Israelis, he was pledging to support them all the way. But then later he met the Palestinians, and sided with them, criticising Israel for building new settlements. Pity Hillary Clinton wasn’t there, to nod her head and smile in agreement.

When was it that there was peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians? They hate each other’s guts. That’s the sad reality, people. There’s nothing you can do about it. So leave them alone. Stop piling on this idiocy about the need to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian issues. It’s irresolvable, OK? Let the two sides fight it out with each other in peace, if you know what I mean.

All this talk about ‘resolving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict’ is just politicians bullshitting everyone. Pure and simple. They want to be seen as doing something about this ‘issue’. And it makes a good smoke screen for their inability to sort out the rest of the Middle East. That is why you see all those wankers shaking their heads and saying: ‘Well, until the Palestinian issue is resolved, there’d be no peace in the Middle East.’

Bollocks, that’s what I say. The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has nothing to do with, say, corruption and abuse of power in Saudi Arabia and some other countries in the region. And it has nothing to do with the con that Dubai has pulled off by going bankrupt. And it has nothing to do with Egypt being run by a mummified dictator, who just wouldn’t die out of spite and vileness.

And it’s sure got nothing to do with what is happening in Iraq, nothing at all. It’s all papa Bush’s doing and his pals’. They made a buck out of the war and they sure weren’t driven by the desire to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

And let me tell you something else that you have not been reading in the newspapers: the Quartet of nations – US, UN, EU and Russia (for some reason) – has not been doing much to help sort out the problem. The UN is just a talking shop and the EU is a communist dictatorship that does nothing, apart from making some people very rich. The US, for obvious reasons, is not exactly helpful, starting wars in the Muslim world and turning Israel into one big target. And, finally, the Russian government has no influence at all, anywhere, even in Moscow. So the Quartet is just a meaningless exercise.

And how can we forget the Quartet’s special envoy, Tony ‘five-times-a-night’ Blair, who comes to Israel once in a blue moon, to pose for cameras and remind everyone that his memoirs are coming out soon. Tony is now help to solving anything as well.

The IMF and the World Bank, instead of pumping money into real projects and helping the Palestinians to get their minds off murdering Jews, are putting their cash into the pockets of the Palestinian leadership, getting a cut, no doubt for their services.

And Israel is building more settlement on the occupied territories.

So what peace process in the Middle East are we talking about?

– End –

Related posts:

1. The Demonstrators Outside Israeli Embassies Are Missing The Point. And The Target
2. President Obama Getting The Nobel Peace Prize. He Might Yet Surprise Us All
3. A Tale Of One Man’s Courageous Journey. It Was His Faith That Kept Him Going

Director: Comrades, we’ve been rumbled. We underestimated the intelligence of our Western opponents. They’ve worked out where the hacking is coming from and what we are after. We’ll have to adopt a new, much cleverer strategy. Ideas, please.

Voice: I studied in America at the best IT universities. What we have to do is to send our best brains to these universities. They will then learn how the Americans think and will be able to outwit them.’

Director: Birdbrain, don’t you know we’ve been doing that for decades? How else do you think we have made the progress we have? We are masters at stealing information. No, we need a novel approach.

Voice: Our Russian comrades have developed the concept of the honey trap. Let’s send thousands of our most beautiful girls to America. They can then debrief the top American computer experts – in bed.

Director: I shouldn’t tell you this, but we already have such a programme operating. However, the CIA has warned computer geniuses to be wary of beautiful Chinese girls making advances. The CIA says they are not hookers but hackers.

Voice: We already export computers to America. Couldn’t we build in a secret device which will allow us to read all the information stored in those computers?

Director: You’ve been reading too many Tom Clancy thrillers. Western governments only use home build computers. We’ve been trying to buy Western companies that produce these computers, but have not had much success.

Voice: I hear that our secret services are working on a new pill. It convinces the person that he is Chinese and is working for us. All we have to do is to market it cleverly as a remedy for erectile problems. Even those in their twenties will buy it. Why not call it Paradise?

Director: You’re crazy! We’re already overpopulated. We can’t have half the world thinking they are Chinese and coming here to inundate us. We have to be more targeted in our approach.

Voice: I know what to do: we need to penetrate the Pentagon, the British Ministry of Defence and so on. The creatures that can do that without getting noticed are the mice. They are familiar to every computer user. However, our mice will be real mice. We can train them – and I hear that mice respond to training – to hack into computers and obtain all the secret codes.

Director: I’ve got news for you: your brain is the size of a mouse’s. It is so small to be almost invisible. Come on, I need something sensible.

Voice: We could invite Bill Gates and other computer giants to Beijing. And some generals and admirals as well. We are world famous for hypnosis. We could turn them into our agents and obtain all the information we need.

Director: No, that wouldn’t work.

Voice: Why not?

Director: Because the Americans already have a programme to counter this. They show everyone who has been in China pictures of Marilyn Monroe and other sex goddesses. They then ask: ‘Are they Chinese?’ If the answer is yes, the person is sent to rehab. Believe me: American rehab is so powerful it can actually convince a person that he is a rabbit.

Voice: Are you sure that the Americans have not got to some of our people? Are there top Chinese who think they are Americans?

Director: I hadn’t thought of that. You mean that some of our leaders could actually be working for the other side?

Voice: Of course, how else do you explain our extraordinary success in hacking into Western computers? These Chinese are trained to do that.

Director: Hold on, that means that much, if not all the information we’re getting, is disinformation.

Voice: Precisely.

Director: Well, in that case there’s only one thing to do.

Voice: What’s that?

Director: Ignore all this disinformation.

Voice: But that would mean we would be all out of a job.

Director: No. You are aware of Parkinson’s Law. Where there are officials, work will be found for them to do. I suggest the foundation of a new agency: The Office to Combat Disinformation. It will make our work much easier. We’ll classify almost all information from abroad as disinformation. Needless to say, we’ll exclude the football scores. We do need to know the actual score when Manchester United plays.

– End –

Related posts:

1. President Ahmadinejad Reveals Iran’s Official Policy
2. Mossad Is Thinking Of Going Public. As A Plc
3. Climate Change Myth Is Causing Panic. Even Among Climate Change Biggest Fans

Breaking News: During a hugging ceremony in Kabul President Karzai inadvertently violates President Ahmadinejad.

Breaking News: US Defence Secretary Robert Gates finishes his 3-day visit to Afghanistan by watching a bloodbath. Organised specially for him by the Afghan army.

Breaking News: President Obama is given a clean bill of health during his annual check up. Doctors warn, though, that he should quit writing books no one likes.

Breaking News: Vice President Joe Biden, on a visit to Israel, says he looks good on TV. Much better than in real life.

Breaking News: Following Senator Ashburn’s coming out as gay after his drink driving charge Democrats in Congress say: We’re all gay. Every single one.

Breaking News: Bill Clinton says he can easily post any bail. If things turn nasty all of a sudden.

Breaking News: New York Mayor Bloomberg reminds people that he invested $140 million of his own money into his re-election because he wanted to do good things.

Breaking News: A new book, The Wisdom Of Actor Will Smith, fails to make an impact.

Breaking News: Summit of unelected world leaders will take place in Moscow on March 24. President Dmitry Medvedev will preside.

Breaking News: 10 Downing Street says Gordon Brown will attend summit of unelected world leaders in Moscow later this month.

Breaking News: Sarah Brown, PM Brown’s current squeeze, calls Michelle Obama and talks about important things.

Breaking News: As Baroness Ashton, EU Foreign Policy Chief, visits Haiti and comforts some children there counselling is offered to victims of her emotional outbursts.

Breaking News: President Nicolas Sarkozy denies that he has an open marriage with Carla Bruni. Yes, we do shag on the side, he says, but our thoughts stay with each other.

Breaking News: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi responds to a hackling journalist at a press conference by secretly doubling his ill gained wealth.

Breaking News: Russian President Dmitry Medvedev denies he is in constant touch with his feminine side. Says it’s only an occasional thing.

Breaking News: Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin spotted wearing a stunning dress by Armani and high heel shoes by Jimmy Choo. While on a visit to his dentist.

Breaking News: Russian mob says that forty years of feminism caused a lot of good people to suffer. Mostly broads.

Breaking News: British musical guru, Simon Cowell, reveals he kissed his new girlfriend on TV with no emotion because that’s the sort of guy he is.

Breaking News: Mayhem erupts as David Beckham fans go berserk on seeing their idol blow them a kiss. Both fans have to be restrained.

Breaking News: Golf sensation, Tiger Woods, reveals that his sex addiction has been cured. I’m now into alcohol, he says. In a big way.

Breaking News: Chinese President Hu Jintao admits he sometimes fancies a nuclear war like mad.

Breaking News: Japanese government is voted most unrecognisable government in the world. The bastards all look alike, Japanese voters say.

Breaking News: North Korean leader, Kim Jong Il, reveals he sometimes calls UN General Secretary, ban Ki Moon and whispers sweet nothings to him.

Breaking News: UN General Secretary Ban Ki Moon admits to keeping an inflatable image of Cuban leader in his office.

Breaking News: Libyan dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, reveals he models himself on Victoria Beckham. I like her style, he says. And the way she uses ‘innit’ when she speaks.

Breaking News: Cuban prostitutes say they have to balls to make things happen.

Breaking News: English football sensation, David Beckham, says he is ready to advertise anything. Even used condoms.

Just in: Breaking News: As rumours of an affair between Sarah Brown and Eric Pickles spread Labour leadership predicts a meltdown.

– End –

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2. Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team
3. Stirring Trouble Teams Up With BBC World TV To Talk About The Press In Russia

I say, eat as much as you want, like Bill Clinton does. So what if you can’t see your dick when you look down. Who needs a dick anyway? And if you’re a broad, you can be rest assured that there are millions of idiots out there who like their women big. They don’t want to shag some thin skeleton with no boobs and no arse. They want meat on their women, they want something to hold on to while they are trying to get their tool up and running.

So all these diets are just a waste of time. They are for sissies and for women who have nothing much else to do but imagine themselves to be thin. And besides, big is beautiful now. Just look around you: huge broads walk about in tight jeans, feeling free and seductive, sucking on an ice cream cone or munching a burger. What there not to like? Classy chicks, with the right attitude, oozing charisma by the tonne. They don’t need to worry about getting laid. Laid they will be, don’t you worry about that.

And big oversized guys are all the rage now. They’re everywhere. Just look at them, with their manboobs, sexy tripple chins and huge backsides, walking tall and telling the world they don’t give a shit. Proud guys, who told their metabolism to go f..k itself. And it did.

And fat kids are now everywhere. They are called obese, so as not to upset them. But, of course, they are fat. And they know it. But kids are kids and they like to eat junk and get all those plastic things in their meals. And so they should. Because we need fat kids to grow into big slobs, and carry the tradition of eating a lot and loving it.

I can tell you a secret while I’m having a go at diets: if you stop eating, your body starts to store fat, thinking that you’ve gone bonkers and decided to kill yourself. And that makes shedding fat even more diffucult. Your system just would not let go of your ‘assets’, if you might call it that. So the less you eat, the more your whole body fights for every bit of your mass. Especially if you are the extreme sort and go for crash diets, the ones invented for lunatics.

So next time you’re shoving a hamburger or a sandwich down your huge frame, remember: you’re one of the beautiful people and dieting is not for you.

– End –

Related posts:

1. Statement By The International Union Of The Obese And The Horizontally Challenged

And, continuing in the same inquisitive manner, we ponder: why the f..ck does President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad come to Kabul and say uncomplimentary things about America, knowing very well that US Defence Secretary, Robert Gates, younger brother of billionaire Bill Gates, is also visiting Afghanistan and saying that the Iranian leader’s presence these is ‘bothersome’.

More questions arise out of all of this: isn’t the term ‘heroic restraint’ a contradiction in terms? How can restraint be heroic? And, on totally different subjects: can prostitutes become faithful wives? Can paedophiles be allowed to care for children? Is Tony Blair gay, and if not, then why does he obsess about gay rights so much? Do the Sarkozies fool around on the side? Does Chancellor Angela Merkel wear a bra and why does she do that?

But back to Afghanistan: as sources on the ground tell Stirring Trouble, ‘heroic restraint’ implies that if the NATO troops are attacked, they should not bomb the shit out of all the people in the vicinity. The idea is that they fire back, but in caring sort of way, without resorting to carpet bombings and tactical nuclear weapons. It is also strongly recommended not to shoot at small children and old people, but in the event it still happens – to offer  apologies to relatives and suggest counselling. The policy is intended to win the hearts and minds of the Afghan people, even if these hearts and minds are detached from their bodies.

As for President Ahmadinejad visit to Afghanistan, footage of him hugging President Hamid Karzia shows that the two men have a strong physical attraction to each other. Their hugs were obviously warm, too warm for some people’s liking, and both men’s bodies came into very close contact at one point. As the breaking news team on our site is about to report, President Karzai might have inadvertently violated his guest, although both sides decided not to make a big fuss about it.

As for the stunning looking Mr Gates’s three day visit to Afghanistan, the US Defence Secretary made no bones about his dislike for the Taliban, and for the locals generally. He promised the US troops that more weapons and bombs were on their way. ‘Let’s bomb the shit out of them’, he said, menacingly, without clarifying who he meant by ‘them’. During his meeting with President Karzia, Mr Gates, though, sounded less confrontational, talking about democracy and his love of bondage sex.

Meanwhile Afghan farmers have reported that poppies crops promised to be good this year. That indicates that Taliban would be having enough money to buy guns to fight their American guests till well into the next year.

Will the war in Afghanistan end soon? No. Will it ever end? Who knows.

So there you have it: it’s a f..king puzzle.

– End –

Related posts:

1. President Obama Accepts That The U.S. Isn’t Winning In Afghanistan.
2. Is A Deal With The Taliban In Afghanistan On The Cards?
3. Britain Suffers Heavy Casualties In Afghanistan: The Conflict Is Bound To Intensify Further

Martin McCauley writes: Things are tough in the make belief Persian Empire of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The economy is in difficulty, the Israelis are threatening an air strike and the Americans are preparing more sanctions.

Imagine a meeting of the President and his advisers.

President Ahmadinejad (PA): Brothers, we’re in the most critical situation since our glorious Revolution of 1979. Our Islamic Republic is under threat from Satan.

Voice: Err, Mr President, whom do you mean?

PA: I mean America, of course. President Obama is in a panic and wants to start another war to divert attention from the parlous state of the economy. His troops are retreating from Iraq and they are having a tough time in Afghanistan. So he needs a new war. But there’s no way they can beat us.

Voice: But why should Obama wanted to be involved in a losing war?

PA: Simple, Americans are patriotic, in their bizarre, twisted way, so they’ll support any new war, at least for the first year or so. So the war with Iran will be just perfect for Obama.

Voice: But couldn’t we just surrender before they even cross our borders? Then Obama would not be able to use the war as a distraction.

PA: Are you crazy?

Voice: I was just being the devil’s advocate.

PA: Yes, you do like Al Pacino. Anyway, let’s look at our nuclear programme: we haven’t got a bomb yet and no one knows when we’ll have it. But we’ll continue to bluff and say we sort of have it. And the Chinese will play along with us and say that they are ready to provide us with the missiles to carry the warheads.

Voice: But the Israelis say they will nuke us if they discover we have nuclear weapons?

PA: They are bluffing. Just like us. They can launch an air strike but they will never be able to destroy all our nuclear instillations. I shouldn’t tell you this but we now have 34,000 centrifuges and 89,000 separate nuclear facilities.

Voice: Unbelievable, we’re now a leading nuclear power. How did you do it?

PA: Simple, we made maps and put 89,000 circles on it.

Voice: But that means we don’t actually have 89,000 nuclear sites. They only exist in our imagination

PA: Imagination. What is the difference between imagination and reality? I’ll tell you: willpower.

Voice: But, President, what happens if the Israelis think we have 89,000 facilities?

PA: No problem. They can bomb the desert to their heart’s content.

Voice: But that would mean we’ll be wiped out.

PA: Who cares, we’ll still win the fight of the wills.

Voice: But it’s madness.

PA: Madness is the official policy of this state. You should have guessed it by now.

– End –

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