The Cold War Is Back. But It Not As We Knew It
March 12, 2010
Martin McCauley writes: The Cold War is back, but not as we knew it. It’s now called Cyberwars. News that the Chinese have been extremely sophisticated in hacking into British, American and NATO computers has led to the Cabinet Office in London setting up the Office for Cyber Security. Imagine a meeting in Beijing of the Chinese Office for Internet Hacking. Director: Comrades, we’ve been rumbled. We underestimated the intelligence of our Western opponents. They’ve worked out where the hacking is coming from and what we are after. We’ll have to adopt a new, much cleverer strategy. Ideas, please. Voice: I studied in America at the best IT universities. What we have to do is to send our best brains to these universities. They will then learn how the Americans think and will be able to...
Pearls Of Wisdom: From The Sirring Trouble Team
March 4, 2010
Today we launch a new regular section called ‘Pearls Of Wisdom’, humorous, witty thoughts of some of the members of the Stirring Trouble team that has been entertaining you with their hilarious spoof breaking news items. It’s going to be fun, folks, you’ll see. (Yo can contribute by sending us your own pearls of wisdom as comments to this and future selections and win a cash prize.) Want to invest in World War 3? Put your money into China, the country behind the next world conflict. If you like to write swear words in public places, you’d better be able to spell them correctly. Having been f..ked by Labour for 13 years, the British nation is falling for its bullshit again. That what watching too much telly does to people. Girls like troublemakers. They aren’t boring and are...
Niger Invents A New Political System: Capcom
February 24, 2010
Martin McCauley writes: The military coup in Niger, a poor African state that is rich in uranium, sets a precedent. The men with guns can now take over any weak nation that has raw materials in plenty. Imagine a meeting of the military junta and advisers after the coup. General: ‘Messieurs, we’ve pulled it off. Congrats. We’re now running the joint. How do we stay afloat long enough to get filthy rich?’ Voice: ‘Monsieur le général, how should we address you? Monsieur le Dieu [God]; Monsieur le roi soleil [Sun King]..’ General: ‘I’d prefer le roi soleil. Call me Solly.’ Voice: ‘Solly, I suggest we tell our people that we had to overthrow the government because it was so corrupt and was robbing our people blind. They all had the same middle name:...
The Chinese Should Be Afraid. Very Afraid
February 19, 2010
Anton Goryunov writes from Moscow: Pardon me for asking, but why the hell do the Chinese think that the Americans are going to honour their debts to them? The US owes China something like $1.4 trillion. Maybe even a more than that, because both sides are really holding their cards close to their chest at the moment. Washington is telling Beijing to buy more of its Treasury bills and bonds, claiming that if China keeps the mighty American economy afloat, the US will continue to buy Chinese goods. And that, the Yanks are saying, will keep China’s industry going. It’s bullshit, as the Chinese are buying pieces of worthless paper, but it seems to work. In order to cling to power the Chinese communist rulers will fall for any trick, and the cunning Americans know that. Now, I’m...
Dreaming Of World Domination. Chinese Style
February 18, 2010
Martin McCauley writes: Is the Communist Party of China (CPC) bent on world domination? Of course it is. The Chinese communist leaders eat and sleep world domination. Can’t think of anything else.During the lavish celebrations of the 60th anniversary of the founding of the People’s Republic of China on October 1 last year the Chinese military put on a show of strength. They sent a signal to the world that China was fast becoming a military superpower. ‘World domination’ was written all over that military parade in Beijing. Imagine a meeting of the President Hu Jintao with Chinese military top brass. The President: ‘Comrades, let’s not pussyfoot about it: we want to rule the world. We’ve been increasing your budget annually and gave you everything you asked...
Those Were The Days My Friend… The End Of The Euro Is Nigh
February 11, 2010
Martin McCauley writes: ‘Those were the days my friend, we thought they’d never end…’ as one famous song went.Remember the time when the euro was launched with great fanfare as the common currency of the European Union in January 2002? The French and the Germans were beside themselves with glee: the euro, they proclaimed, would become so powerful that it would eclipse the almighty US dollar and rule the world. For a while over 375 million people used the euro every day and it was considered the second most important international reserve currency. Not anymore, though. The Greek economic meltdown has undermined confidence in the euro. There is a feeling that Spain, Portugal, Ireland might follow the same path and go bust. Imagine a meeting called by the head of the European...
Forget Iran With It’s Non-Existent Nukes. China Has Some Serious Nuclear Muscle To Flex
February 10, 2010
Martin McCauley writes: While the world is pre-occupied with the supposed nuclear threat from Iran, it is China’s growing nuclear arsenal that should be keeping our political rulers awake. In the past couple of decades, while everyone was buying up junk made in China, the leaders in Beijing were using the money to boost their nuclear capabilities. The mobile DF-31 and DF-31A intercontinental ballistic missiles, that have the words ‘we hate the outside world’ written all over them in invisible ink, have greatly enhanced the first strike capability and survivability of the Chinese nuclear forces. Worried, frightened, confused? You’d better be. But there’s more bad news: China has also deployed over a thousand conventional short-range ballistic missiles and it is developing...
It’s Simple: America Should Beat The Crap Out Of China. Before It’s Too Late
February 7, 2010
Dan Majestic writes: Pardon me for asking, but why is America pussyfooting with China? The Chinese communists are throwing their weight around, threatening other nations, buying up everything that is offered for sale around the world, and not a squeak comes from Washington, not a sabre is rattled. Where’s the American thirst for a real foreign adventure? Not some silly small wars, like we see in Iraq and Afghanistan, with their abysmally low body count. Bring on the big thing, give us all a serious war, like Hollywood always likes to portray. OK, here’s the deal: America should beat the crap out of China, before it’s too late. It’s all very nice to talk about world peace and friendship between nations, but I bet you the Chinese have already worked out a plan to achieve...
St Albert Gore Blimey And His Followers Launch A New Religion
February 6, 2010
Martin McCauley writes: Things are not going well in the global warming religion. That is the one that St Albert Gore Blimey follows. He became a saint when he began to preach the messages of global warming, warning the world that the end is nigh if mankind does not fork out a few trillion smackers on clean technologies.Like all dodgy messages, it was all about money. The saint’s assets are now at least fifty times what they were a few years ago. St Albert got his just rewards for being deprived of the title of the US President by making himself fabulously rich. It was when he was licking his wounds after his defeat to that infidel, George Bush, that Al Gore, as he was known then, figured that the West was desperately searching for a new religion. He figured that as Christianity was on...
A Fly On The Wall Look At What The Chinese Leadership Is Up To
February 5, 2010
Martin McCauley writes: Imagine a scene is Zhongnanhai, the plush residence of the Chinese leaders in Beijing. They have gathered to consider what to do about recent American attempts to provoke tension between the two countries. The following exchanges take place:The President says: ‘Comrades, America is testing our patience. They are selling arms to Taiwan, telling us how to run our economy and demand that we allow total freedom on the Internet…’ Shouts from the floor: ‘Disgrace! How dare they, imperialist pigs! Let’s sell them poison goods!’ The President says: ‘I can understand you strong feelings, comrades. But strong measures and not a good option. The American model of capitalism has failed and ours is succeeding. They thought that free markets act in a...
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- As ‘Dwarfgate’ Hits Britain, We Ask: Is The World Run By Shorties?
- Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team
- Samantha Cameron Talks Candidly About Her Hubby. And Sort Of Blows The Lid On Him.
- LibDems Pick A Porn Chick As Their Candidate. We Look At Other Options
- Israeli-Palestinian Peace Process? Now What Process Would That Be?
- The Cold War Is Back. But It Not As We Knew It
- More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team.
- Is There Any Point In Dieting? Nope, None At All
- Winning Hearts And Minds In Afghanistan. Even When They’re Detached From The Bodies
- President Ahmadinejad Reveals Iran’s Official Policy
- A Cynical Look At Life In Britain. And The Stiff Upper Lip
- As The British Press Sells Its Soul To The Devil, We Go Behind The Scenes Of One Newspaper
- From Now On The Met Office Will Express Doubt About Its Own Forecasts
- Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team
- Live Coverage Of The Oscars Proves A Huge Hit. With Dozens Of People
- More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team
- Mossad Is Thinking Of Going Public. As A Plc
- Who Cares About Elvis Or Who Killed John Kennedy? Aliens Are Running Things Here
- TV Debates Between Party Leaders Will Include Product Placements
- Band Aid: Sir Bob And Friends Do Some Soul Searching
- More Breaking News. From The StirringTrouble Team
- President Zuma: The Man With The Plan
- The New Rich Have No Style, No Class, No Taste. No Anything
- Pearls Of Wisdom: From The Sirring Trouble Team
- About One Pine Tree. And Global Warming Written All Over It
- More Breaking News Items. From The Stirring Trouble Team
- BBC Cuts Costs: It’s Taking The Piss, But Not As We Know It
- A Case Of One Madman Blowing All The Money
- More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team
- Climate Change Myth Is Causing Panic. Even Among Climate Change Biggest Fans
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