Would British Media Be Accusing Fifa Of Corruption If England Got To Host The 2018 World Cup?

November 16, 2011

Would British Media Be Accusing Fifa Of Corruption If England Got To Host The 2018 World Cup?

Ted Obvious writes from Zurich: Here’s a brain teaser for all you English football fans and hacks who like to brag about corruption in world football’s governing body Fifa: would you be at it now if England had won its bid last year to host the 2018 World Cup? I bet you wouldn’t, even though Fifa would be still the same dodgy organisation that awards tournaments through the ancient system of you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours and all sorts of dodgy financial incentives. In fact, I can even imagine some of the British hack saying something like: ‘Sure, Fifa is not perfect, but who is these days. It’s the best system we can have, so no point complaining about it.’ No one’s saying that the decision to give Russia the 2018 World Cup and Qatar the 2022 tournament was straightforward,... 

This Whole Affair With Poppies On Footballers Stinks

November 10, 2011

This Whole Affair With Poppies On Footballers Stinks

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: This has to be the biggest most irrelevant story that was turned into a major issue of the day in Britain by politicians and hacks. I’m talking about the so-called ‘scandal’ surrounding the decision by FIFA to ban England’s football players from wearing Remembrance Day poppies during their international match over the weekend. For two days in a row the nation was supposedly gripped by a patriotic frenzy, with Prime Minister David Cameron, Prince William and the whole Football Association stepping in to demand that FIFA changes its mind. And yesterday came the climax of that ‘crisis’, with FIFA allowing England players to wear poppies on their black armbands, but not on their shirts. Smiles all round and celebratory pints raised in pubs, with... 

Fancy That! Sepp Blatter Got The Secret World Government To Help Him Out

June 2, 2011

Fancy That! Sepp Blatter Got The Secret World Government To Help Him Out

Adam Lovejoy writes from Zurich: Well fancy that! Sepp Blatter, the newly re-elected president of Fifa, the world football’s governing body, has picked himself a member of the secret world government, former US Secretary of State Henri Kissinger, to help him run things in his organisation. Say what you want about good old Sepp, but he has shown his critics that the time for pussyfooting and half-measures in battling corruption in Fifa is over. Mr Kissinger is just what international football needs: influential, well connected, indifferent to the beautiful game, probably ignorant of its basic rule, but in good shape for his 88 years and, most importantly, a distinguished member of the secret world government for several decades. The English Football Association must be fuming. Imagine, there... 

How Come Prince William’s People Give Him Such Stupid Advice?

June 1, 2011

How Come Prince William’s People Give Him Such Stupid Advice?

Chris Gray reports from outside St James’s Palace: Do Prince William’s advisors wear their trousers really low, with their underwear showing, have tatoos all over their bodies  and get drunk and smoke dope at their famous orgies at the palace? No? Then how come they give such stupid advice to their boss, who, by the way, in case they have forgotten about it, is second in line to the British throne, as in the future king of Britain. The reason I’m enquiring about these dodgy looking people – they must be dodgy looking – is that they have been really letting Prince William down lately, like, for example, by allowing  him to get involved in that Fifa corruption scandal as recently as yesterday. The future king joined a chorus of calls, emanating mostly from the Football Association,... 

More Pearls Of Wisdom And Witty Comments. From The Stirring Trouble Team

June 1, 2011

More Pearls Of Wisdom And Witty Comments. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more pearls of wisdom and witty observations. From the boys at Stirring Trouble. You know what I think? I think Tony Blair and George Bush and Ratko Mladic would look great on one bench in the Hague. The funniest thing I’ve heard is George Bush discovering writing and lecturing talents and earning a packet. Paying off former corrupt politicians has never been easier. If only British hacks would have shown the same determination in going after the money men that they’ve shown in going after Fifa. You know what? 90 per cent of celebs only pretend to have drink and drug problems. The creeps don’t even know what a serious piss up means or how dope looks like. So, all you people who work in banking: how does it feel to be despised by everyone? If we assume that the politically... 

I Hope Sepp Is Re-Elected And All This Corruption Nonsense Is Laid To Rest

May 29, 2011

I Hope Sepp Is Re-Elected And All This Corruption Nonsense Is Laid To Rest

Ben Delicious writes from Zurich: Big fuss continues around allegations of corruption at the world football’s governing body Fifa. Serious doubts are cast on the re-election of Sepp Blatter, Fifa’s President, although Fifa has announced that it is going on with the vote, despite coming under pressure to postpone it. Will Fifa eventually show two fingers to the hacks, who are pretending that they have uncovered a wasp’s nest of corruption and are basking in the spotlight of their own righteousness. I hope the world football’s governing body does the right thing and tells all the scribblers to go f..k themselves. Why? Because everyone knows that all professional sport is riddled with corruption, starting from football and athletics and ending with some obscure sport like curling. That’s... 

No Point Telling You That Lady Gaga Sucks. So I’ll Have A Go At Sepp Blatter Instead

May 28, 2011

No Point Telling You That Lady Gaga Sucks. So I’ll Have A Go At Sepp Blatter Instead

Adam Lovejoy writes from Zurich: I’m not going to waste my time, people, telling you that Lady Gaga sucks, as there are way too many simple minded ‘music lovers’ out there who’d still be buying her albums and, what is even more depressing, actually listening to them. I’ll say this though: you really have to be crap at singing to wear a dress made out of raw meat – and generally come across as a fashion retard. But hey, today I’m directing my satire at Sepp Blatter, world football’s governing body Fifa president, who now finds himself in a bit of a crisis, having been targeted for corruption by his own people. Is that weird or what? Could Lady Gaga have ever written a song about it? In your dreams! She sings about her crotch most of the time. Anyway, Sepp is probably paying... 

Get Real, Comrade Triesman, Football Is All About Money

May 11, 2011

Get Real, Comrade Triesman, Football Is All About Money

Ben Delicious writes from London: So, former communist, trade union leader and Labour party apparatchik, Lord Triesman, has ‘sensationally’ revealed to a House of Commons Committee that the world’s football governing body, Fifa, is riddled with corruption, with its members having been asking for backhanders and favours in return for their votes, while deciding which country was going to stage the 2018 World Cup. As you may know, England failed to host the competition and the honours went to Russia. Lord Triesman told the Culture, Media and Sport Committee that one Fifa member asked him for £2.5 million, to build an education centre in Trinidad and another asked for help in getting a knighthood. Another one asked for TV rights to a friendly match between England and Thailand and another... 

Of Football Games. Outside The Pitch

April 29, 2011

Of Football Games. Outside The Pitch

Ben Delicious writes from Zurich: Sorry to disappoint some of you football fans out there, but I suppose the beautiful game is probably the most corrupt sport of them all. In its professional capacity that is. I don’t even know which other sport can compete with football, apart maybe from athletics where it has become impossible to set world records without using some sort of dodgy performance enhancing substances. But that is the sort of corruption that doesn’t really bother all that many people, as you really have to be thick to imagine that world records in, say in 100 meters, are broken by athletes who train hard and stick to a rigid diet. Anyway, back to football, and Fifa’s president Sepp Blatter is bracing himself for a challenge on July 1,when he stands for re-election for a fourth... 

Who Cares Who Wins The World Cup? It’s The Voting Process In Fifa That Keeps Everyone All Excited

November 30, 2010

Who Cares Who Wins The World Cup? It’s The Voting Process In Fifa That Keeps Everyone All Excited

Dan Majestic reports from Zurich: Who cares about football and who wins the next World Cup or the one after! It’s the way Fifa votes on who gets to host the future World Cup competitions that gets everyone really excited, like it is happening now in Zurich where football world governing body has its luxury headquarters. Imagine the intrigue, the nods and the winks, the haggling over money, the mutual suspicions, the jealousy and envy and the promises of sexual and other favours. Yes, the countdown to the big day is now measured in hours. On Thursday, December 2, 2010 AD Fifa’s executive committee will select the host countries for the 2018 and 2022 World Cup tournaments. Dodgy looking blokes, who have descended on Zurich, are already predicting that the 2018 World Cup would be the most... 

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