The Idiocy Thickens: Cops Pass The Fille On ‘Racist’ John Terry To Prosecutors

December 1, 2011

The Idiocy Thickens: Cops Pass The Fille On ‘Racist’ John Terry To Prosecutors

R.F.Wilson writes from London: As Scotland Yard passes the file on Chelsea and England captain John Terry to the Crown Prosecution Service, to decide whether charges can be brought against him for supposedly racially abusing QPR defender Anton Ferdinand, the question that I have to the cops is this: have you, guys, nothing else better to do than behave like a bunch of politically correct freaks? Aren’t there murders and robberies out there waiting to be solved? In case you’ve forgotten what this non-story is all about, let me refresh your memory: during a game between Chelsea and QPR in October Terry supposedly told Ferdinand, brother of living football legend Rio Ferdinand, that he was a ‘f..king black c..t’. Again allegedly Anton confronted John and said to him: ‘Did you just call... 

What’s The Big Deal With Mike Tindall? All Great Athletes Get Drunk And Shag Groupies

November 15, 2011

What’s The Big Deal With Mike Tindall? All Great Athletes Get Drunk And Shag Groupies

Ted Obvious writes from London: What’s all the fuss surrounding Mike Tindall’s supposedly ‘bad behaviour’ during the recent rugby World Cup in New Zealand? The guy was fined 25 grand and dropped from the national squad for taking part in a piss-up and having a bit of clean honest fun with some blonde woman who just happened to be there. That is what rugby players do during big tournaments: get drunk, discuss the tactics for the next game and shag groupies. It’s part and parcel of what professional sport is all about. Zara Phillips, Mike’s wife and the Queen’s granddaughter, forgave him with no hesitation, knowing that any self-respecting athlete can’t afford be seen as a sissy, who sticks to a strict regime during international tournaments. The whole attraction... 

Telling Nick Clegg And His Boys To Bugger Off To Some Distant Place. For Good

October 25, 2011

Telling Nick Clegg And His Boys To Bugger Off To Some Distant Place. For Good

Thomas Mathew writes from London: Have you heard that story about a British woman, who had to be restrained during a flight from London to Cairo, because she had confronted Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, looking extremely smug, on his way to donate five million smackers of British taxpayers’ money, to stimulate, would you believe it, job creation in Egypt? Evidently, this woman spotted Mr Clegg wearing a new hair dye and one thing led to another and eventually the woman tried to have a go at him, like any decent person would have done in her place, and she had to be restrained by cabin staff. During the incident the European Human Rights Act was mentioned, the one that Clegg loves to bits, and the extortionate university tuition fees were also brought up. The Deputy PM was not pleased... 

Nicolas Cage Follows Charlie Sheen’s Example To Boost His Public Profile

April 18, 2011

Nicolas Cage Follows Charlie Sheen’s Example To Boost His Public Profile

Dan Majestic reports from New Orleans: Living screen legend and wearer of the best wigs in Hollywood, actor Nicolas Cage, has followed the example of another living legend, Charlie Sheen, and got himself arrested for being drunk and disorderly in public and having a domestic argument with his wife Alice Kim in the street of New Orleans. Cage, who is currently in between films, has opted for an incident in full view of a police patrol, standing outside somebody else’s house and telling his wife that it was the place that they were renting. His wife apparently refused to believe him, according to eyewitnesses, and the argument climaxed with Cage grabbing her by her arm and pointing it out to her in a boisterous manner that she was mistaken. Cops watched in amazement as dramatic events unravelled... 

About A Curious Incident In Harrods

October 1, 2009

About A Curious Incident In Harrods

Customers at Harrods yesterday were astonished to notice that the wax figure of the department store’s owner, Mohamed Al Fayed, that is proudly exhibited in the men’s section on the ground floor, suddenly lost part of its attire in the most dramatic of circumstances. To be more precise, the trousers on the wax figure suddenly went down, revealing a pair of masculine, shapely legs. Our photographer on the scene quickly made several snaps before the store’s security surrounded the area and barred all people from it. Two points arise from the incident. First, was it really a good idea to install a wax figure of the Harrods’ owner in the store? It was a bit a spooky to see the life-like figure of Mr Al Fayed, standing tall in the men’s department. And, secondly, who... 

I Will Never Again Buy Anything At Boots. Ever!

August 27, 2009

I Will Never Again Buy Anything At Boots. Ever!

Dan Majestic writes: Let me tell you what happened with me at a large Boots chemist, in the West End of London recently. On Regent Street, to be exact. I was doing  a radio show that day and arrived at Broadcasting House rather early. I arrived at Boots, around lunch time, to have a photograph scanned and put on a DVD. I started to have a bad feeling the moment I laid my eyes on the shop assistant behind the photo counter. He didn’t look friendly: wrinkled narrow brow, unhealthy bloodshot eyes and bad teeth. And he kept his left hand stuck deep in his trouser pocket, probably playing with himself. It’s OK, I thought. You shouldn’t judge people by their appearances. For all you know he might be a good man. Besides, I didn’t really need anything special. I just wanted... 

My Word Of Thank You To The Policemen From Albany Street Police Station

August 16, 2009

My Word Of Thank You To The Policemen From Albany Street Police Station

Today, I want to say thank you to a plain clothed police unit from Albany’s Street police station in London, who arrived when a couple of thugs threatened me outside my house, while I was getting out of my car. They, the thugs, that is, were probably hiding somewhere because I did not see them when I drove down my road, which is gated from one side, and parked outside my house. When I got out of my car, they were already beside it, both on bikes. One them, a disgusting looking man, started asking me about my car, and how much it was, and how powerful its enigine was. I knew, of course, that these were robbers. And I also realised that there must have been more of them lurking in the darkness. ‘Look, guys,’ I said, closing the door and locking my car. ‘I’m tired... 

A Nasty Incident At My Home Convinces Me That I Should Keep My Powder Dry

February 13, 2009

A Nasty Incident At My Home Convinces Me That I Should Keep My Powder Dry

Hi there, everyone! This is your editor speaking. I thought I should tell you about a bizarre incident that has happened yesterday at my house, in the leafy part of London called Highgate. As I finished editing the latest set of articles for StirringTroubleInternationally I decided to have a nap in the living room downstairs, on the sofa, as I was just too tired to go upstairs to my bedroom. It was around 3.30 in the morning. So I switched off the light and dozed off. Imagine my surprise when about half an hour later I was woken up by a loud noise – someone was trying to smash the window in the living room. I jumped up from the sofa, switched on the light and parted the blinds. Three thugs with their faces hidden by scarves were hitting the glass with bricks. ‘What the f..k are you...