I Bet People In Sodom And Gomorrah Used Mobile Phones. A Lot
February 22, 2010
Adam Lovejoy writes: I bet you people in Sodom and Gomorrah used mobile phones. A lot. You probably could hear them on the streets of S&G, screaming into their mobiles: Blah, blah, blah!!! Useless, meaningless drivel came from all over the place: ‘And I says to him, I says…’, ‘She DIDN’T, DID she…?’, ‘I’m on a carriage, I’m on a carriage…’, ‘I’m in the pisser, dear, but I can talk’, ‘That rash I told you about, well, it’s back…’ And I bet there were loud irritating ringtones, blasting from every bloody corner and every bloody window in S&G. And youngsters were all talking on the mobiles, endlessly, about nothing in particular. And disgusting thugs in hoods were showing off their latest...
The Easily Excitables. A Glance At Live Studio Audiences
January 5, 2010
Adam Lovejoy writes: Have you ever seen members of a ‘live studio audience’, as they are called, at close quarters? No? Well I did and I can tell you that it was a bit spooky. It happened a couple of months ago, in central London, when I was waiting for a friend of mine outside BBC Broadcasting House on Regent Street. So that you know, the BBC records some of its humorous radio shows there in front of live audiences. Most of these shows are not very good, but you would never know it if you listen to the rapturous applause and the laughter of the studio audiences. So there I was, waiting patiently, when a crowd of overly exited people ejaculated, if you pardon the expression, from Broadcasting House’s main entrance, flowing in the direction of the nearest Underground station. Everything...
Of TV Addicts. And Of Killing Time. Or Rather Murdering It
November 26, 2009
Adam Lovejoy writes: Pardon me for being blunt, but television must have been invented for mugs. It is not the sort of entertainment that should appeal to intelligent people. Especially in large quantities and on a daily basis. Outside of news, sport and documentaries, 99 percent of television content is intended for viewers who have nothing better to do than stay glued to the box. If you look at the TV dramas and sit-coms and comedies you would find that the overwhelming majority of them are badly scripted and directed and abysmally acted. So it makes it all the more remarkable that so many people watch this rubbish every day. And we are talking millions of people here. Do any of them actually follow what happens on the screen and notice the terrible acting? I personally have a problem with...
The BBC Should Offer Me To Replace Jonathan Ross. Because I’m Better On TV
September 30, 2009
The BBC should ask me to replace Jonathan Ross and host BBC1’s evening chat show on Friday evenings. Why? Because I am much better doiung comedy stuff, I am more intelligent and I have things to say that would interest viewers. Ross has been getting away with his mediocre performances for too long. The BBC should be ashamed that it is using some third-rate entertainer to host a programme at prime time on Friday. His sense of humour is primitive and he has been resorting to toilet jokes and foul language to attract the attention of the lowest common denominator. Intelligent people do not watch his programmes. There bore them to death. Are there any more reasons why I would be better than Ross? First of all, and I am not saying this lightly, practically anyone could be better than Ross....
On TV Addicts. And Ads That Often Make No Sense
September 26, 2009
I always know when I meet people who watch too much television: the strange glare in their eyes, the clichéd phrases they use, the weird logic they apply to most things and, of course, the way they ask, casually, if you have seen this programme or that on the box the day or the week before. This last thing comes to them naturally, as they actually believe that programmes on the box are as good a subject as any to discuss with others. Just like the weather, football or relationships. You may also spot a TV addict by their rather strange sense of humour, shaped by appalling TV comedies and shows. And you will find that TV fanatics tend to use the phrases that are devised by admen who think that anything ‘catchy’ would remind people about the product they are plugging. Just like that...
Recession Is Hitting Mediocrities Hard. Which Is Great News
August 19, 2009
The recession which is hitting Britain very hard, despite what the government is saying, is proving to be a real backlash against mediocrities of all shapes and sizes. Just think about it: incomptetent disgusting people are suddenly in the spotlight. They have been getting away with their crappy acts and films and books and plays and other things for years, and suddenly, people no longer want to know them. Extreme modern artists cannot sell their ‘works’: piles of rubbish, canned shit, crushed beer cans, old socks and, of course, all sorts of silly objects stuck to a canvas. They just do not sell anymore. And all those disgusting comedians and vulgar TV presenters and screaming pop divas suddenly find themselves in trouble. No that many people want to know what they do anymore....
Of Reality TV: Warts And All
August 19, 2009
Gren-Hilda Duval de Villeneuve writes: OK, I will admit it: I watch some of reality TV.There, I said it. I imagine missiles of scorn are now flying at me, in their thousands. But seriously, TV companies are no longer capable of producing decent quality shows so they take advantage of our natural voyeurism. After all, we love to know what the neighbours are up to. As for decent TV, I can count the number of shows I enjoy on one hand, and then be left with some change. Personally I have a penchant for science fiction, and if the quality of the content fails, there are always the special effects to enjoy. (Why did the phrase ’side effects’ spring to mind?) I really like Lost because they tease the viewers, series after series, with the promise of a plot. And it does not even matter...
Well How About That? Stirring Trouble Looks Good On TV
August 5, 2009
Hi there, everyone! Well, I have been doing a lot of TV interviews today about Vladimir Putin’s latest publicity videos in which he appears bare chested and acts like an action man all around. I have appeared on Sky News, BBC, canadian Global TV and many others. It is one of those occasions when you can have a laugh and raise some serious issues along the way. And I can laugh at these things because I invented political spin in Russia. As fromer special advisor to the Kremlin I had helped the late President, Boris Yeltsin, get re-elected in 1996. And that in turn helped to stop the communists from getting into power. And that was a good thing for Russia and the whole world. And I can also tell you that even though the images of Putin are a bit funny, everyone else does it in the world....
Like To Watch Bad TV Comedy Shows? Beware Of Disastrous Consequences
August 1, 2009
By chance I stumbled a couple of days ago on a repeat of the programme on the box listing the top 50 supposedly funniest TV comedy moments of all time. As voted by the British viewers. The programme was half way through, so I caught only the top twenty best moments – out of the list of fifty. Oh what a shame, I hear some of you saying who might have seen the whole programme. It was such great fun and the hilarious moments were chosen from some of the best TV comedy shows ever. Not to mention that the whole thing was presented by that comedy genius himself, Richard Wilson, of One Foot In The Grave fame. Yeah, sure, I say to that, sarcastically. Judging by the top twenty comedy moments that I have seen I do not really think that I have missed anything worthwhile from the previous batch. But...
Open Letter To All The People Who Play Games On The Internet. And PC Games Generally
July 11, 2009
All of you people – boys and girls, men and women, who play games on the internet and PC games generally for hours every day: get a life! Stop wasting your time. Because time is money. Big money. Because if you would have spent the time you’ve wasted on all those stupid PC games on something worthwhile, like getting a new qualification, or learning a foreign language or reading a good book, you would have been able to earn more money. But that is not all. Some people, who get hooked on the virtual world of PC games, start to lead their lives as if they are themselves living in a virtual reality. They get weird names for themselves, talk in a strange way, experience random fits of rage and even become aggressive and violent. Because PC games mostly generate bad vibes and bad vibes...
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